OP, it’s all about accommodations that your child needs. The school will try to make it easier for school to administer. So you should have your top accommodations down and be ready to decent like your life depends on it (said mom who has seen these meetings since elementary—- rushed and no one but you cares for your child, indeed).

OP here. Now she’s just irate. Not about the diagnoses, but about the suggested accommodations. I asked if she is afraid of standing out, perhaps this is just too embarrassing and I also wonder if her anxiety is running the show right now, but she says that is none of that the case so I let it drop for now. She said that none of the suggested accommodations will help and that they’re all “stupid.” She is mad at me. Mad at the situation. Mad at the school. Just…mad at the world.

What do we do if she dos attend and then tells the school that none of the suggested accommodations will help? Will they deny the 504 plan? I can very clearly see how they would help her and I get the sense that her counselor does, too. What if she comes around to finally seeing that her teachers actually want to support her, but she won’t cooperate with the plan - will it be too late to get support if her attitude and acceptance of the situation changes later on? She’s not on medication; the psychiatrist appointment is also coming up soon and while I don’t know what they will recommend, the psychologist says that kids like her most typically need and greatly benefit from medication.

I’m feeling at a loss here and somehow like I’m a horribly crappy parent who doesn’t know how to help with kid. Anyone else face similar with their teen? Would love to learn from others. Thank you

My daughter is similar and also didn’t want to go. She ended up being home sick from school that day so she couldn’t attend. At the meeting we were then able to talk openly about her challenges and diagnoses (which she then didn’t have to hear) and then we called her on the phone on speaker to talk about the accommodations. It ended up working out, but maybe your daughter would prefer to be on phone instead?

Anonymous wrote:We are in FCPS and most of the meetings are horrible so my child never attends. Usually the parents will get blamed for the disability (she has severe dyslexia- so some teacher or admin will say “did you not read to her when she was younger?) and then the school staff will try and do as little as possible in the way of goals or accommodations. No accommodations are a guarantee so go in knowing what you would like and at least three reasons why you think this will make your child more successful

That's horrible. I was nervous, but our DCPCS was not at all contentious.

We are in FCPS and most of the meetings are horrible so my child never attends. Usually the parents will get blamed for the disability (she has severe dyslexia- so some teacher or admin will say “did you not read to her when she was younger?) and then the school staff will try and do as little as possible in the way of goals or accommodations. No accommodations are a guarantee so go in knowing what you would like and at least three reasons why you think this will make your child more successful

Thank you, everyone, for the replies. This has been very helpful.

We discussed the accommodations that would help our child.

We all discussed and wrote it out; printed copies for ourselves and at some point the school will want to hear from your child about what they need, why it would help, and cite examples.

Our child did not want to be there, but went right to the bulleted accommodations we had written out and those enabled our child to focus on their needs and advocate for themselves in context of 10 schools administrators who do not want to be there but actually empathized with our situation.

Our child only attended the first meeting, none of the others.

We did have a lawyer and an educational advocate. Lawyer virtual, advocate in person.

We do my daughter's virtually from home-- see if your daughter could be comfortable with that. You could hsve her speak for a short portion/have the camera off- ans have her nearby to run things by her. But she may also be embarrassed to accept a lot of the accommodations recommended so keep that in mind as well.

You’re doing the right thing by slowing down and getting her input first. In DC schools, a 504 only really works if the student actually buys into it.

If she’s hesitant to attend the meeting, start with a low-pressure conversation to understand how school feels for her day to day.

You might ask:
• What parts of school feel easy? What feels hard?
• When you get stuck in class, what does it feel like in your body?
• Is it hard to start work? Or to finish it?
• What helps you focus or feel calm?
• If a teacher could do one thing to make school easier, what would it be?

Then look at the accommodations together:
• Which of these would actually help you?
• Are there any you wouldn’t want to use? Why?
• Would any of these make you feel like you stand out too much? (That piece matters more than we think, especially for girls.)

She may feel more comfortable and decide to attend the meeting after this conversation. If she doesn’t attend the meeting, bringing her voice—what helps, what doesn’t, and why—makes the plan much more likely to work in real life, not just on paper.
- Meg Shah, MVS Educational Services & Support, LLC

My DD didn't want to attend but the school said she should try, so we aimed for her to be there for half of it. It was very useful because then she could say "actually now that you mention it, noise cancelling headphones could be really useful," whether she wanted access to fidgets, snacks, etc. also could be specific about seating choices because in some class configurations the front is not always the best for her particular issues.

It still is useful to talk beforehand about what the report recommends and maybe scan through a list of common accommodations together to see what seems worth requesting.

As for what to expect, we've always had all the teachers invited but generally just one shows up. Maybe they rotate or base it on whoever has a clearer schedule.

Anonymous wrote:Tell DCPS that your daughter is going to decline the invitation to attend.
That you discussed the accommodations that she needs ahead of time and will bring her input into the meeting.

And - before the meeting talk to your daughter about what she thinks are accommodations that would help.

Is it extended time? Reduced amount of homework? Sitting in a particular spot in the classroom?
Note - a great accommodation you can get is collaborating to create a schedule to select classes and times that balance her energy. This way she may be able to get classes before formal schedules are released AND jumpstart on readings.
(My ADHD kids is always great the 1st 3 weeks of school and then everything falls off and spends the rest of the year in catch up mode)

Thank you; this is very helpful!

Tell DCPS that your daughter is going to decline the invitation to attend.
That you discussed the accommodations that she needs ahead of time and will bring her input into the meeting.

And - before the meeting talk to your daughter about what she thinks are accommodations that would help.

Is it extended time? Reduced amount of homework? Sitting in a particular spot in the classroom?
Note - a great accommodation you can get is collaborating to create a schedule to select classes and times that balance her energy. This way she may be able to get classes before formal schedules are released AND jumpstart on readings.
(My ADHD kids is always great the 1st 3 weeks of school and then everything falls off and spends the rest of the year in catch up mode)

DCPS

Which school system?

My sophomore daughter's 504 meeting is coming up soon. I know that some teachers will be there, the school 504 coordinator will be there, my daughter is invited, and I'll be there. The ADHD diagnosis is recent.

My daughter does not want to attend because she is horribly embarrassed about her diagnosis, hates being the center of attention, and suffers with occasionally crippling anxiety (which she's in therapy for). The school strongly recommends that she attend.

We had a professional evaluation, which revealed the ADHD, re-confirmed the anxiety, and proposed a few school accommodations.

It would help both DD and me to have a better understanding of expectations -- what will the coordinator do, what will teachers do/say, what is expected of DD, and what is expected of me? Did your kid attend?

Please share your experiences and any advice you may have. Thank you