Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 19:34     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Anonymous wrote:If you cared that much about this school, you would have applied normal cycle. Are you having FOMO or something? If I were the school and you don’t submit the ELA rec, I’d imagine the worst and deny on that alone.



No, I really wanted to support and have faith in the public school system. I really, really did. I'd like to not spend tens of thousands of dollars per year on school, but it is what it is. My parents are right-- I did receive a great public school education back in the 80s and 90s. I did have a lot of strong teachers who cared. The teachers worked us hard and they knew who we were. They didn't rely on computers to handle 3/4s of their teaching. They stayed after school to tutor us, shocker.

But that's not the case for my kid and for many of them these days. It was a different time period.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 19:14     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DS is in eighth grade and applying to a private high school (we're hoping to get him on the waitlist). He needs a reference from his ELA teacher. He has an A- average in the class, but he's had problems with the teacher from the get-go. Based on his interactions with her, she just doesn't like him (other parents of boys we know say she's curt with them, too). He insists she treats the girls better, who knows. Is there any way to get around this? She can't say he's a poor student, just that he's not one of her darlings. I just don't see her writing anything nice about him.


Isn't it way, way late to be applying a private high school? Is there any chance you are even getting in? I wouldn't worry so much about the reference. Just ask for it since chances are probably not high you are getting in. And if it is a school that is still accepting applications they most likely aren't that picky.


OP here. I want to get him on the waitlist. I'd like to see if he can get in. It's a stretch, I know, but could be worth it.


This doesn’t make sense. You apply first and then are either admitted, denied, or places on a waitlist. There aren’t separate processes.


The school is still inviting people to apply. They said their classes for next year are full, but if you're accepted at this time, you can still go on the waitlist.



If there's an application fee, it's just a cash grab, OP. I wouldn't waste too much time agonizing over this.

Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 19:13     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
If you cared that much about this school, you would have applied normal cycle. Are you having FOMO or something? If I were the school and you don’t submit the ELA rec, I’d imagine the worst and deny on that alone.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 19:11     Subject: Re:DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Talk to the head of school/ principal and ask for a hand with this.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 19:10     Subject: Re:DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Sounds like your son is on the receiving end of natural consequences. I’m sure the disrespectful, unmotivated students in my classes think I have favorites. However, if a student has been talking through my instruction, turning in assignments late, and contributing nothing to class discussions, etc. then I would have nothing positive to say in a recommendation.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 19:01     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Anonymous wrote:Tough situation, OP. If there is another teacher from a core subject that you know would give a stellar recommendation... you could ask the school whether he can switch. But it's a risk. Otherwise, there's nothing to do but coach your son on how to ask nicely. It could be that this teacher will be happy to be asked, and might write something entirely favorable. But I know how you feel, it's not a great situation to be in.

My high schooler has a similar issue where her most advanced class, in which she's doing super well, and is aligned with her interests, is taught by someone who is completely unreliable in every way... to such an extent that we don't dare ask a recommendation from this teacher, because we cannot assume they even know how to write one, let alone adhere to any deadline - he hasn't graded stuff from months ago, frequently forgets to teach concepts that are required by the curriculum and skips over critical steps, regularly makes mistakes in grading... I've never seen anything like it! He comes into teaching from another profession, has massive forgetfulness and attention issues, and clearly has no clue how it's all supposed to work. DD will have to ask someone else who will be more reliable, but who teaches a topic that isn't exactly aligned with what she wants to do.


OP here. This is also part of the problem. My kid has a few assignments that according to the online system, haven't been graded. I know another parent who sings this teacher's praises. It's as if our kids have two different teachers. I wish he could ask his science teacher instead, but that's not who the school wants to hear from.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 18:56     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DS is in eighth grade and applying to a private high school (we're hoping to get him on the waitlist). He needs a reference from his ELA teacher. He has an A- average in the class, but he's had problems with the teacher from the get-go. Based on his interactions with her, she just doesn't like him (other parents of boys we know say she's curt with them, too). He insists she treats the girls better, who knows. Is there any way to get around this? She can't say he's a poor student, just that he's not one of her darlings. I just don't see her writing anything nice about him.


Isn't it way, way late to be applying a private high school? Is there any chance you are even getting in? I wouldn't worry so much about the reference. Just ask for it since chances are probably not high you are getting in. And if it is a school that is still accepting applications they most likely aren't that picky.


OP here. I want to get him on the waitlist. I'd like to see if he can get in. It's a stretch, I know, but could be worth it.


This doesn’t make sense. You apply first and then are either admitted, denied, or places on a waitlist. There aren’t separate processes.


The school is still inviting people to apply. They said their classes for next year are full, but if you're accepted at this time, you can still go on the waitlist.

Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 18:55     Subject: Re:DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Thanks for all the feedback. I probably thinking about it as an employee of a large org. If I were leaving, I'd ask for recommendations from the managers I had a good rapport with, not the icy project leader who had her own handpicked team her or she treated well and had to work with me because someone forced her to. I'm not thrilled with the situation at our area public high school and the private school seems to offer more resources and opportunities my kid may not get at the public school.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 18:54     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DS is in eighth grade and applying to a private high school (we're hoping to get him on the waitlist). He needs a reference from his ELA teacher. He has an A- average in the class, but he's had problems with the teacher from the get-go. Based on his interactions with her, she just doesn't like him (other parents of boys we know say she's curt with them, too). He insists she treats the girls better, who knows. Is there any way to get around this? She can't say he's a poor student, just that he's not one of her darlings. I just don't see her writing anything nice about him.


Isn't it way, way late to be applying a private high school? Is there any chance you are even getting in? I wouldn't worry so much about the reference. Just ask for it since chances are probably not high you are getting in. And if it is a school that is still accepting applications they most likely aren't that picky.


OP here. I want to get him on the waitlist. I'd like to see if he can get in. It's a stretch, I know, but could be worth it.


This doesn’t make sense. You apply first and then are either admitted, denied, or places on a waitlist. There aren’t separate processes.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 18:51     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DS is in eighth grade and applying to a private high school (we're hoping to get him on the waitlist). He needs a reference from his ELA teacher. He has an A- average in the class, but he's had problems with the teacher from the get-go. Based on his interactions with her, she just doesn't like him (other parents of boys we know say she's curt with them, too). He insists she treats the girls better, who knows. Is there any way to get around this? She can't say he's a poor student, just that he's not one of her darlings. I just don't see her writing anything nice about him.


Isn't it way, way late to be applying a private high school? Is there any chance you are even getting in? I wouldn't worry so much about the reference. Just ask for it since chances are probably not high you are getting in. And if it is a school that is still accepting applications they most likely aren't that picky.


OP here. I want to get him on the waitlist. I'd like to see if he can get in. It's a stretch, I know, but could be worth it.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 18:29     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DS is in eighth grade and applying to a private high school (we're hoping to get him on the waitlist). He needs a reference from his ELA teacher. He has an A- average in the class, but he's had problems with the teacher from the get-go. Based on his interactions with her, she just doesn't like him (other parents of boys we know say she's curt with them, too). He insists she treats the girls better, who knows. Is there any way to get around this? She can't say he's a poor student, just that he's not one of her darlings. I just don't see her writing anything nice about him.


Isn't it way, way late to be applying a private high school? Is there any chance you are even getting in? I wouldn't worry so much about the reference. Just ask for it since chances are probably not high you are getting in. And if it is a school that is still accepting applications they most likely aren't that picky.


This. It’s either way too late or they aren’t that picky. Just get the rec and move on.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 18:17     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Anonymous wrote:My DS is in eighth grade and applying to a private high school (we're hoping to get him on the waitlist). He needs a reference from his ELA teacher. He has an A- average in the class, but he's had problems with the teacher from the get-go. Based on his interactions with her, she just doesn't like him (other parents of boys we know say she's curt with them, too). He insists she treats the girls better, who knows. Is there any way to get around this? She can't say he's a poor student, just that he's not one of her darlings. I just don't see her writing anything nice about him.


Isn't it way, way late to be applying a private high school? Is there any chance you are even getting in? I wouldn't worry so much about the reference. Just ask for it since chances are probably not high you are getting in. And if it is a school that is still accepting applications they most likely aren't that picky.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 17:26     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
Tough situation, OP. If there is another teacher from a core subject that you know would give a stellar recommendation... you could ask the school whether he can switch. But it's a risk. Otherwise, there's nothing to do but coach your son on how to ask nicely. It could be that this teacher will be happy to be asked, and might write something entirely favorable. But I know how you feel, it's not a great situation to be in.

My high schooler has a similar issue where her most advanced class, in which she's doing super well, and is aligned with her interests, is taught by someone who is completely unreliable in every way... to such an extent that we don't dare ask a recommendation from this teacher, because we cannot assume they even know how to write one, let alone adhere to any deadline - he hasn't graded stuff from months ago, frequently forgets to teach concepts that are required by the curriculum and skips over critical steps, regularly makes mistakes in grading... I've never seen anything like it! He comes into teaching from another profession, has massive forgetfulness and attention issues, and clearly has no clue how it's all supposed to work. DD will have to ask someone else who will be more reliable, but who teaches a topic that isn't exactly aligned with what she wants to do.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 17:16     Subject: Re:DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
What do you mean, get around this? He needs a reference from his English teacher. He has to ask his English teacher. There's no hack for this except for him to be polite, appreciative and direct.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2026 12:15     Subject: DS needs a reference from a teacher he's had issues with
My DS is in eighth grade and applying to a private high school (we're hoping to get him on the waitlist). He needs a reference from his ELA teacher. He has an A- average in the class, but he's had problems with the teacher from the get-go. Based on his interactions with her, she just doesn't like him (other parents of boys we know say she's curt with them, too). He insists she treats the girls better, who knows. Is there any way to get around this? She can't say he's a poor student, just that he's not one of her darlings. I just don't see her writing anything nice about him.