Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom comes about 3-4 nights a month (usually separate overnights- she lives 2 hrs away). We are very close to her and she is helpful and comes because she is invited. We do take trips with her and her partner as well, but each year she treats everyone (also my sister's family) to a big vacation. We have done some smaller scale trips with just her where we go dutch. DH parents have kind of checked out and last visited a few years ago and they were in town for a separate reason.

What do you mean by "she is helpful?" I think I'd be more on board with family visits if they cooked their own meals or did dishes once in awhile, or watched the kids while we went out.

She is becoming slightly less helpful as she ages (my kids are aged 6-14) - but she was incredibly helpful with the older ones and has built up a lot of goodwill. She can be loud and a little bit annoying (and DH is the type who can get easily annoyed) but he even calls her to invite her if we haven't seen her in over a week. He appreciates how much she loves our kids. Even still, at 75, she brings dinner when she comes, does laundry, knows where all our dishes go, can do everyone's pick ups and drop offs at all their activities without needing detailed instructions (e.g.., she will just google a location rather than ask me for directions), takes the dog for walks, and is good for about a half day of child care with the 6 year old, if, let's say he is home sick from school. She visits the kids at school for lunch, goes on field trips with them, and just loves knowing their friends and their daily lives. She usually comes during the week - meets them off the school bus, takes them to whatever activity du jour they are in (or hangs out with the ones not in an activity), and then drops the kids in at school so they have a break from the early morning middle school bus.

I am a grandparent. I come when they ask me to only. We live two hours away about probably come 5 times a year for 2 days.
They visit us the same number of times/days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- you are not saying how often they come. How often do they come?

I didn't say because I want to hear what a normal range is

The thing about Normal is that it's really all over the place. You have to negotiate your own circumstances and work it out with your spouse. There is no authority you can appeal to here.

Are there ways to make their visits less stressful, for instance?

Anonymous wrote:Mine don't stay for long (2-4 days) but they just keep coming and coming. The frequency is crazy IMO and I need a reality check. Is this normal? They also want to tag along on our vacations. For me I feel like a 4 person trip is enough without more people tagging along.

My parents are a 2 hour flight away. They come for a week 2 times a year. This works well. I usually visit them 1-2 weekends a year. My MIL lives 2 hours away. She comes for the weekend every other month (sometimes once a month depending on what’s going on) and a full week at Thanksgiving.

SIL lives overseas. She stays with us for a week at Thanksgiving and usually 2-3 extra weekends when she is in the states for work. We have had times that MIL visits were too much but once we set better boundaries around them, it is now manageable. Bigger issue was that SIL wanted to come visit for weeks when our 2 kids were young which was too disruptive and beyond my comfort level. I have discussed with in-laws that 7-8 days is my absolute max for guests. After that, a hotel is needed.

SIL and MIL desperately want to tag along on vacations with us. We did it when the kids were young but had to stop when it became an expectation and felt like an obligation. Ending it didn’t go well but they have come to realize something is better than nothing. I can only handle this once every couple of years. They want intense involvement in our lives which is difficult to manage because they don’t recognize our need for family time without them.

FIL has mobility issues, is in assisted living, and lives local. We see him on average once every 2 weeks, sometimes more frequently. These are short visits or meals together.

Managing extended family time is completely exhausting! It takes honesty and boundaries and refusal to be guilted.

Anonymous wrote:OP -- you are not saying how often they come. How often do they come?

I didn't say because I want to hear what a normal range is

Normal isn't really relevant here. It's too much for you. Talk to your husband - is it too much for him? If he agrees, set limits. You can say no, and what people on DCUM is doing isn't relevant.

FWIW, we live in a three bedroom row house and have three kids, and never in my adult life have I had a guest room. We do have a pullout couch. My mom and stepdad never stay with me (they're a bit precious about nice hotels and stuff anyway), my FIL (widower) would stay on our pullout couch but we have cats and he's allergic. My dad comes to visit about 2x per year and sleeps on our pullout couch whenever he's in town.

OP -- you are not saying how often they come. How often do they come?

Anonymous wrote:My mom comes about 3-4 nights a month (usually separate overnights- she lives 2 hrs away). We are very close to her and she is helpful and comes because she is invited. We do take trips with her and her partner as well, but each year she treats everyone (also my sister's family) to a big vacation. We have done some smaller scale trips with just her where we go dutch. DH parents have kind of checked out and last visited a few years ago and they were in town for a separate reason.

What do you mean by "she is helpful?" I think I'd be more on board with family visits if they cooked their own meals or did dishes once in awhile, or watched the kids while we went out.

Never! *takes a bow*

Anonymous wrote:Mine don't stay for long (2-4 days) but they just keep coming and coming. The frequency is crazy IMO and I need a reality check. Is this normal? They also want to tag along on our vacations. For me I feel like a 4 person trip is enough without more people tagging along.

Your parents are more than just "people."

My mom comes about 3-4 nights a month (usually separate overnights- she lives 2 hrs away). We are very close to her and she is helpful and comes because she is invited. We do take trips with her and her partner as well, but each year she treats everyone (also my sister's family) to a big vacation. We have done some smaller scale trips with just her where we go dutch. DH parents have kind of checked out and last visited a few years ago and they were in town for a separate reason.

IlLS twice a year. Christmas and a week in April. They do not stay with us. They generally do their own thing and see us a few times over the April week.

Anonymous wrote:In-laws never because they live locally and also DH can’t stand them.

Parents have once in the last five years.

Yeah we recently moved closer to ILs (within a day's drive). Maybe it's the novelty and they will get tired of it in a year or two.

In-laws never because they live locally and also DH can’t stand them.

Parents have once in the last five years.

Mine don't stay for long (2-4 days) but they just keep coming and coming. The frequency is crazy IMO and I need a reality check. Is this normal? They also want to tag along on our vacations. For me I feel like a 4 person trip is enough without more people tagging along.