Work to be the change OP. Next gathering, choose a relative or two with whom to make a connection. Small steps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my teen DD would say, it's all very autistic-coded!

- family on the spectrum whose menfolk are all emotionally shut down, and whose womenfolk are slightly less so (but still reserved compared to the norm).

OP here. No autism. Just emotionally distant.

...except that with the bar being lowered for diagnosis, all these "emotionally distant" people may very well be on the spectrum. They may be functional and employed and marry and have kids - and be autistic. Which would explain a lot regarding what you just described.

Anonymous wrote:Your family and the dynamics are not unique or unusual.
The get together are very important for the next generation, they will be close with their cousins.

What makes you think the cousins will be close? In our case DH has virtually zero contact with his despite all the reunions he was pressured to attend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH’s family is like this. Family reunions that must be attended but real communication is nonexistent. DH tries to do better but it’s so unnatural for him, that he often neglects to share important information.

His parents are both gone now and he rarely talks to his brothers. Our adult kids say they never felt close to that side of the family.

OP here. So often our family get togethers feel like everyone getting together because they should but no one really wants to be there and can't wait to leave! I already don't talk to one of my siblings except at family events and the others we text or call occasionally but again usually about 'something'.

DP. This is how it is with my parents. Feelings of obligation, Catholic guilt, and box checking. My mom wants the appearance of a perfect family—the perfect holiday meal, table settings, etc—but she doesn’t seem comfortable just relaxing and spending time together. So I feel anxious and on guard around her and can’t wait to leave so I can just relax.

Your family and the dynamics are not unique or unusual.
The get together are very important for the next generation, they will be close with their cousins.

My extended family gives the illusion of being this large, super close family, but here’s the truth: they do passive aggressive crap all the time on the family group chat (post photos of everyone together with just a few left out who weren’t invited and everyone lives local), I live within walking distance or a short drive of many family members and never see them in person (I stopped inviting them to things because some never accept even tho I live down the street from them), one came from out of town for 10 days and told me she was coming but when she got here she never contacted me - and I saw a photo of her with a big group of people at a cafe down the street from me. I have many more weird stories and my friends all think my extended family is pretty diabolical and weird. I am not on social media anymore and I’m not on the family group chat because I refuse to partake in phoniness, but they all still text me and act like we are close. I know we aren’t close. If we were close we would see each other in person and not rely on tech to communicate. There wouldn’t be passive aggressive things going on like trying to make others feel left out or deliberately withholding things and telling everyone else so you are the last to know and hearing it from someone else unrelated. Anyone from the outside would think we are this large, happy family but it’s all just a farce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my teen DD would say, it's all very autistic-coded!

- family on the spectrum whose menfolk are all emotionally shut down, and whose womenfolk are slightly less so (but still reserved compared to the norm).

OP here. No autism. Just emotionally distant.

Could you give examples of them being emotionally distant?

Anonymous wrote:As my teen DD would say, it's all very autistic-coded!

- family on the spectrum whose menfolk are all emotionally shut down, and whose womenfolk are slightly less so (but still reserved compared to the norm).

OP here. No autism. Just emotionally distant.

Anonymous wrote:DH’s family is like this. Family reunions that must be attended but real communication is nonexistent. DH tries to do better but it’s so unnatural for him, that he often neglects to share important information.

His parents are both gone now and he rarely talks to his brothers. Our adult kids say they never felt close to that side of the family.

OP here. So often our family get togethers feel like everyone getting together because they should but no one really wants to be there and can't wait to leave! I already don't talk to one of my siblings except at family events and the others we text or call occasionally but again usually about 'something'.

My DH’s family is exactly like this. I assume it’s because they are South Asian. They are fine expressing anger but don’t express other emotions and lack emotional intimacy.

My family is like this. I think it’s because we are part German. Everything is just matter of fact.

As my teen DD would say, it's all very autistic-coded!

- family on the spectrum whose menfolk are all emotionally shut down, and whose womenfolk are slightly less so (but still reserved compared to the norm).

No drama works. For those seeking more drama, they may regret the choice that they sought.

DH’s family is like this. Family reunions that must be attended but real communication is nonexistent. DH tries to do better but it’s so unnatural for him, that he often neglects to share important information.

His parents are both gone now and he rarely talks to his brothers. Our adult kids say they never felt close to that side of the family.

On the outside, it would seem that my extended family (parents, siblings) are close. We all talk and get together often for family events but none of us are emotionally close. During childhood my parents provided all the necessities and kept us safe but there wasn't a strong emotional bond. They weren't comfortable with emotional expression or conflict. When we talk now it isn't that different from talking to coworkers or acquaintances. I help my parents with a lot of things and we are all very good at communicating to arrange logistics or to plan an event or to get my parents what they need. We also update on our lives in general terms as to what we are doing, where we are going etc. Grandkids are a good buffer. Often I feel we are all doing our duty and what we are supposed to do versus it being driven by a need or desire to get together or talk. Maybe it is a typical WASP type family, I don't know. Interestingly my brothers both married very emotional and emotionally expressive women - the opposite of our family which was pretty emotionless. My sister and I both ended up with not very emotional men.

Curious if others have this close (in terms of communication and getting together) but not close (in terms of bonded / emotionally connected) relationships with parents and siblings.