Anonymous wrote:Marry partner from intact family. Children of divorced parents are pretty messed up.

Plenty of married coupled have a life you wouldn’t want for your children. I wouldn’t assume only intact marriages yield healthy kids or that intact marriages mean kids are def healthy.

My DH’s parents are divorced, amicably, split in his teens. His parents and their new partners are all very friendly with each other. My parents have been married nearly 50 years. And I’d say husband and I are pretty similar regarding values and relationship goals.

I point things out to my daughter.

If we know of a woman who is the breadwinner or sole income earner, who also provides elder care and main care of kids - I point out how difficult of a life it can be.

I tell her she will not marry a man who stays at home.

As was told to me when I was growing up by a neighborhood mom who married well, that she is pretty, kind, and smart, and she can afford to be picky.

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had listened to my parents and never married someone who came from a broken family background.

Devil's advocate: I married someone from an intact family background, as did my sister. My xH ended up being abusive, hers ended up being a dud once kids came along and didn't pull his weight at home, even though both worked full time.

Currently dating a man from the most broken home I've ever heard of and he's amazing. 100% committed to not being like his parents. So, it really depends on the person. I think a lot of people from broken homes want to do better than their parents did.

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had listened to my parents and never married someone who came from a broken family background.

+1

They were in 8th grade OWLs at our UU congregation.

I have daughters, so I point out a lot of misogyny and patriarchy to them. I was raised the opposite - boys tease you because they like you, if a boy likes you give him a chance even if you don’t like him, forgive him because the poor guy is trying his best, etc.

So instead we look at the different standards males and females are held to, starting with the different standards in their classrooms. Example, they aren’t allowed to go to recess until the room is cleaned, and often the girls will do all the cleaning because the boys are goofing off. So we talk a LOT about those things.

I’m divorced, and I have an extremely high standard for the men I date. They need to set the example for my DDs. Even if my DDs don’t meet them, it’s good for them to come home and see mom got flowers from the guy, so they know what kind of effort they should expect.

I talk to both kids about what makes a good friend (which you should be friends with your partner) as well as red flags for relationships (controlling behavior etc). Family friends just got divorced so they were very curious/worried so we did talk about relationships in general etc. I also talk about how much I love my partner AND that I can be annoyed. We also teach how to manage conflict and how to compromise.

Marry partner from intact family. Children of divorced parents are pretty messed up.

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had listened to my parents and never married someone who came from a broken family background.

I wish I hadn’t had my parents as my model. They are together but my dad was/is a jerk and my mom is an enabler who is grateful to have material wealth so she puts up with his crap and raised me to have very low expectations from men and how they treated me.

Model a good and loving marriage for them. Model how to be good parents and how to be good to your family, neighbors, friends, coworkers etc. Be a decent human being and have good morals.

Educate your kids about people who are manipulative or have personality disorders. Tell them that addiction/abuse/adultery is not acceptable.

Teach them adulting skills - how to take care of their health, finances, reputation, home, relationships etc.

Mold your kids into people that they don't attract toxicity or toxic people. Communicate with your children.

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had listened to my parents and never married someone who came from a broken family background.

It isn't ever going to be easy. And I say this as someone from a broken family background. Above all else, when looking for a life partner, beware the high ACE score.

My parents never talked about marriage, expectations for me for marriage; I was just always around good, down-to-earth marriages. Sibling and I both married for long time. I think as parents we should model the example and particularly for women but both men and women not act like we expect it to happen - their choice.

I wish I had listened to my parents and never married someone who came from a broken family background.

I don't think there's much you can do beyond modeling positive, healthy relationships, and doing what you can to ensure that your children are themselves kind people. I'm not really a big believer in telling my kids what to look for in a partner.

Kind of a spinoff of the daughter looking for a husband thread: parents seem to focus a huge amount on preparing their kids for academic/extracurricular/social/public-facing success. How much time and effort do you and those you know put into educating your children on marriage, what it takes to have a successful marriage and to be a good spouse?

I realize this isn’t a common theme I’ve seen, and also realize all I’ve indicated to my kids is qualities to watch out for (they’re still pretty young), and generally curious what I should be doing - other than doing our best to model a healthy marriage, and positive qualities which enable successful relationships across the board like integrity, honesty, dependability, grace etc.

What’s your approach?