OP here. Totally sudden.

Anonymous wrote:16 year old. I got the call from his family an hour before she got home from school. We have been divorced for years, but I barely had time to process before telling her. She and her dad were close. She has always been a happy normal kid.

We are just at the beginning of a long grieving process. I have the ability to take off work. For those of you who have been there- advice?

Was it sudden? Or had he been sick?

OP here, all things considered we are thinking about. She has a very strong step father figure. Working on how to participate in the funeral. Notified the counselor. I Joel she sleeps in our bed, cats and all.

Absolutely reach out to the counselor at school. They will notify all the teachers and she will be given grace for late assignments/flash pass to speak to them for in the moment needs.

I’m so sorry, OP. Sending love to you and your daughter.

^ and her counselor at school. Schools often have a counselor that specialize in talking to grieving kids. Some have regular care meetings that grieving kids can join. Maybe ask about that?

Practical stuff:
1. She needs to attend the funeral. Communicate with your ex's family for arrangements. Make sure she has an outfit. Are you expected to attend?
2. Check the school attendance policy. Usually absences for close relative's funerals are excused.
3. Take the time off that you need to deal with all of that.

Emotional stuff: Does she want to sleep in your bed or room tonight? She might have a reversion to childhood, that's how a lot of people process grief. Care for her as if she's sick. There is an actual physical hit to the system when a loved one passes. Tomorrow, ask what she wants to do. I suggest a walk outside (Brookside gardens?) and food she has a hankering for. I wouldn't miss too much school, because she's 16, homework piles up and it will help her to stay busy and not ruminate. Please do send a message to all her teachers so they know to be aware of her state of mind.

Take care of yourself as well, OP. Just because he's an ex, doesn't mean this isn't a shock to you too. My condolences to both of you.

How did she react?

My Dad died when I was 11. I wish I would have had other male role models step up for me. I reached out to Uncles as I got older who I feel like placated me. But they didn’t take an interest in my life or help to raise me.
Give it some time, but if you can do this for your DD it will go a long way.

I’ve heard a lot of good things about Comfort Zone camp. I’m so sorry op, this sounds terrible. The camp brings kids together. She might be on the older side but you could call and see if she could be in a weekend with other teens.

Hopefully she can visit with extended family who are also grieving. Maybe take her to his home to get framed photos or mementos or steal a shirt or pillow. Something that brings comfort.

I know that’s what I’d want if I lost a dad I was very close with.

I am not sure therapy is necessary. But she absolutely needs closure. And she needs to grieve with others.

Oh, I'm so sorry OP. I lost my dad in my early 50s and that was hard enough. I'd just say that understand it's going to be a long, winding road. A lot of stuff rises to the surface when you lose a parent. Agree with therapy. A godsend for me. But, make sure she likes therapist or move on to another.

Find a therapist for her now. Even if she doesn't seem like she needs it, setup a few appointments so she has someone to talk to. Grief is hard and hits everyone differently.

Ugh; I’m so terribly sorry OP.

16 year old. I got the call from his family an hour before she got home from school. We have been divorced for years, but I barely had time to process before telling her. She and her dad were close. She has always been a happy normal kid.

We are just at the beginning of a long grieving process. I have the ability to take off work. For those of you who have been there- advice?