OP, this wedding is about the couple, not you.

They want to have an enjoyable, memorable dinner that is about their marriage.

If you come with a toddler and 3 month old, the kids will act up, everyone will fuss over the baby - it will be all about your kids. And your brother knows it.

Fine to skip the destination wedding. Go to the dinner but leave your husband at home with the kids. Stay for an hour and then go back home if you need to.

Children of relatives are always included even if it is a "no-kids" wedding. Hire a few baby sitters etc, hire a adjacent room etc. This is big fuxing bs excuse.

Are the grown ups fornicating at the wedding that kids are not allowed? Relatives Kids are always allowed and parents whisk them off when they start to cry etc. Parents make it happen.

OP - Do not go. I am shocked that you still want a relationship with your side of the family. Lean into your DH's side of the family and the grandparents.

Anonymous wrote:Just don't go. For the dinner, I'd just make it clear that if you can't bring the infant that you'll just drop by but not stay due to breastfeeding infant. My sister got married when I had an infant and even though she's lovely, childless people (and grandparents who are far removed from that phase) can just be really clueless about this stuff (I was too!). My kids were kinda nightmares at restaurants in the toddler phase so I'd be inclined to set up the toddler with a sitter anyway.

Pre-kids, I had no idea about breastfeeding, etc. Just let them about it and if they are not able to make an exception for the infant just drop by the dinner briefly.

Sounds like you don’t want to really go to the wedding, so just decline that.

You contact your brother and talk it out. Don't put your parents on the spot.

Agree with other posters. But also will add that it is and feels targeted at you *because* you happen to have kids. But lots of couples don’t want kids at their wedding. Plus a toddler and an infant at a wedding or intimate dinner party is not ideal anyway.
If you can’t pump to attend the dinner, then send well wishes and politely decline. If you don’t want to be away from toddler and infant for a destination wedding (I would not) then also politely decline.
But I emphasize politely.
No little snide remarks or digs.
But just say “Thank you for the kind invitation, but unfortunately we are unable to attend due to the needs of our infant and toddler. But of course we wish you both the very best for a beautiful wedding and celebration!”
Done.
You won’t “win” this one with your family by trying to guilt them into giving your kids an invitation.
They may try to guilt YOU by saying “can’t you just…[insert whatever solution they think is appropriate for you to arrange for the kids in order to attend]?…”
And you just smile and respond, “sorry, no, we just aren’t comfortable with that. But know that we will be celebrating with you in spirit.”
Or
“That’s a nice idea, but it’s not realistic for us. I’m sure everyone will have a lovely time and please know that we’re so happy for you!”

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think so. Pump if you want. Sounds like you do t want to. It’s not reasonable to bring a 3 month old to a nice, small, private dinner.

Pumping in the bathroom at a restaurant is gross.

Also since baby is 1mo they may not be on a bottle yet, maybe they will be by then but it seems ridiculous to exclude your sister from the wedding celebration over this. YMMV obviously.

Don't go to Europe. Make an appearance at the dinner and then leave early.

Your kids won't even know or remember that they are excluded. I moved heaven and earth to schlepp a 4yo and a 1yo to a wedding on an island off Washington state, where they were very much invited and wanted, and honestly they didn't enjoy it and don't remember it. Kids hate sit-down dinners!

You said you’re not close and you don’t sound like you like each other. Easy one to RSVP no to.

Definitely no to the destination and if your infant takes a bottle and your in-laws could babysit for the evening, maybe consider the dinner? Otherwise send regrets.

Just don't go. For the dinner, I'd just make it clear that if you can't bring the infant that you'll just drop by but not stay due to breastfeeding infant. My sister got married when I had an infant and even though she's lovely, childless people (and grandparents who are far removed from that phase) can just be really clueless about this stuff (I was too!). My kids were kinda nightmares at restaurants in the toddler phase so I'd be inclined to set up the toddler with a sitter anyway.

OK, first, it's not targeted at you. They're all about themselves at this moment, as are many, many engaged couples.

I definitely wouldn't go to the destination wedding, and also would not feel any sadness about missing it.

I do feel like they should let you bring your nursing infant to the courthouse wedding + lunch.

I don’t think so. Pump if you want. Sounds like you do t want to. It’s not reasonable to bring a 3 month old to a nice, small, private dinner.

For the local dinner, I would try to get a sitter for the kids if you have an established sitter or have your DH stay with the kids. Pump so the baby has a bottle if they need it.

I would skip the destination wedding.

It is hurtful but just don't go. Clearly he doesn't care about whether you can attend. Let them have their Instagram party.

I wouldn't go if I were you.

Brother is getting married. I am married with 2 kids (2yo and 1mo). We aren't particularly close, I don't have issues with him but I know he doesn't care for me much. He is getting married in two "parts":

1. Local courthouse wedding after which my parents are hosting and paying for a small dinner (~15 people) at a restaurant. Parents invited me then I said "great the 4 of us will be there". They said "oh actually kids aren't invited, please find an arrangement for them". With a 3mo old at the time that will need to breastfeed every 1-2hrs this isn't really realistic. I've asked if there's any flexibility for our infant and have not heard back. Nobody else in the group has kids under 18 let alone an infant so this seems quite targeted at us at my brother's behest. My parents have long had favoritism/pleasing this brother at all costs issues.

2. Destination wedding in Western Europe. Smaller wedding and also none of the guests have minor children. Very clear on the wedding website "THIS IS NOT A CHILD-FRIENDLY EVENT" in all caps. We will probably not go.

Am I right to be a little put off? Obviously it's 100% your right to have a child-free wedding but it just seems very targeted at us, and I'm probably more disappointed my parents are going along with brother excluding his niece and nephew from both events.