Anonymous wrote:Any regrets or lessons learned?

The grass may be greener on the other side but wai until you have to mow it

My stepdad left my mom (and me, and my baby brother - their kid together) to be with his AP. They have been together about 25 years. It appears they’re doing well. However (and this isn’t meant to convince anyone of anything contrary to their existing beliefs, but for perspective):

-the divorce sent my mom on a terrible tailspin - they separated right before her 40th birthday - and really negatively impacted our relationship and her ability to parent, generally
-she was devastated financially and had to sell our nice Capitol Hill townhome and rent an apartment
-my brother - their kid together - seems to have trouble with intimacy/maturing
-it really ingrained in me a distrust of men and a general misandry which persists to this day (I’m 40 now)
-his APs kid struggles with addiction and hasn’t been able to get any kind of footing in the world
-their kid together appears to be doing great

So, to this day, extensive collateral damage. To be fair, stepdad and my mom probably weren’t a great match and it seemed like an utterly miserable marriage. However, I lost respect for my step dad that I’ll never get back over how he handled it.

Actions have consequences. Some far more extensive or impactful than we can know.

Paging David Brooks

Anonymous wrote:Reporting from 10 years later. I think I'm finally okay again. It was rough. The guilt. The change. Just so many emotions for so long. I am married to my AP and we are now all lovey dovey like newleweds, finally. But wow. That was a ride I wouldn't recommend (yet don't regret).

Did you leave yourself or did your ex initiated the divorce?

Reporting from 10 years later. I think I'm finally okay again. It was rough. The guilt. The change. Just so many emotions for so long. I am married to my AP and we are now all lovey dovey like newleweds, finally. But wow. That was a ride I wouldn't recommend (yet don't regret).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for a very prominent scientist to pop in to tell us how well it's going with his adult kids and the not much older delighted to be mentored young girlfriend.

LOL I remember this guy too. You forgot how accomplished and intelligent his new girlfriend is too 🤣🤣🤣

I remember the ex wife and her "tutored by mentee" DD.

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for a very prominent scientist to pop in to tell us how well it's going with his adult kids and the not much older delighted to be mentored young girlfriend.

LOL I remember this guy too. You forgot how accomplished and intelligent his new girlfriend is too 🤣🤣🤣

Anonymous wrote:It's been a mixed bag.

I left my xH for another man, who dumped me within a month of me leaving.

I ended up having another child who I adore (accidental pregnancy), and I'm in a LTR with an amazing man who is everything I've ever dreamed of.

But, there's been a lot of hard times. I was a SAHM and had to start over in a new career. Money is still tight and I'm stressed out a lot. I'm now stuck in a city I absolutely hate.

I don't really know if I can say I regret it. My problem in my marriage was that I was a pushover and my xH is extremely domineering. Now, I have no problem standing up to him, and I think he respects me more because I'm not dependent on him and I don't put up with any BS from him. In theory, I could have probably done this in my marriage, but I also didn't have the life experience and self-esteem that my struggles ended up giving me.

But I do really miss that cushy SAHM lifestyle, and I miss my kids when they're not with me. Generally when my SAHM friends are thinking of divorce, I push them not to, especially if it's over relatively minor things and their husbands make good money.

You don't sound like a pushover if you had an affair and didn't think twice about having multiple ones. Sounds like you were the problem in the marriage. You should appologize to him.

It's been a mixed bag.

I left my xH for another man, who dumped me within a month of me leaving.

I ended up having another child who I adore (accidental pregnancy), and I'm in a LTR with an amazing man who is everything I've ever dreamed of.

But, there's been a lot of hard times. I was a SAHM and had to start over in a new career. Money is still tight and I'm stressed out a lot. I'm now stuck in a city I absolutely hate.

I don't really know if I can say I regret it. My problem in my marriage was that I was a pushover and my xH is extremely domineering. Now, I have no problem standing up to him, and I think he respects me more because I'm not dependent on him and I don't put up with any BS from him. In theory, I could have probably done this in my marriage, but I also didn't have the life experience and self-esteem that my struggles ended up giving me.

But I do really miss that cushy SAHM lifestyle, and I miss my kids when they're not with me. Generally when my SAHM friends are thinking of divorce, I push them not to, especially if it's over relatively minor things and their husbands make good money.

Anonymous wrote:Both of my parents married their AP’s
Twenty plus years ago.

Same. My parents second marriages are almost as long as their firsts at this point. I think my parents were married 21 years and my mom just had her 17th anniversary and my dad his 19th. Both are great step grandparents BUT never had to be step parents which I think is why we all get along just fine. I think if you can raise your kids without a step parent its best. But my parents AP's were fine people, just having mid life crisis'.

Both of my parents married their AP’s
Twenty plus years ago.

I'm waiting for a very prominent scientist to pop in to tell us how well it's going with his adult kids and the not much older delighted to be mentored young girlfriend.

bump

At least the SO learnt to trust their intuition moving forward, and quit the relation when the partner was cheating/abusive-etc before waiting for them to "leave".

Any regrets or lessons learned?