When my daughter was severely bullied in elementary school—pushed, spat on, and called fat—I was furious.

But beneath the anger was something deeper: heartbreak that the emotional bullying had been happening for days before she felt safe enough to tell me. That silence is what allows bullying to grow roots.

What followed wasn’t impulsive. It was strategic.

1) - Call it what it is

I immediately contacted her teacher and requested intervention. At the same time, I emailed the principal and school counselor. In every written communication, I used one word consistently: bullying.

Not “conflict.” Not “drama.” Not “a misunderstanding.”

Bullying.

Language matters. Clear terminology creates institutional responsibility. I documented specific behaviors and stated plainly that the situation was affecting my daughter’s mental health and her ability to feel safe at school. I created an email trail and kept everyone updated.

Documentation protects your child. It also signals that you are paying attention.

2) Escalate calmly — and all at once

Rather than waiting to see if one adult would solve it, I looped in all relevant parties simultaneously: the classroom teacher, the principal, the counselor, and even the teachers for PE, music, and the media center. My message was simple: please be aware, and please help ensure separation and supervision while the issue is being resolved.

I also advocated for a structured conflict-resolution workshop offered by the school system. It required the students to stay after school, which made the issue visible and somewhat inconvenient. That visibility was important. Quiet handling allows quiet continuation.

Throughout this process, I remained polite and collaborative. I did not accuse the school of failing. I framed the situation as a shared problem requiring coordinated action. At the same time, I made it clear that if meaningful progress did not occur, I was prepared to escalate further.

Firm does not have to mean hostile.

3) Expect pushback before progress

When bullying is exposed, it often intensifies briefly. That happened in our case. The girl confronted my daughter and called her a “snitch” and a “crybaby.”

I had prepared my daughter for that possibility.

This is critical: children need to understand that retaliation can happen when harmful behavior is challenged. Preparing them removes the shock factor and reinforces that speaking up was still the right choice.

Soon after, the behavior stopped. The bully did not like scrutiny. Most bullies depend on silence, ambiguity, and the assumption that adults won’t intervene decisively.

When that assumption disappears, so does much of their power.

4) A complicated truth about bullies

Over time, I also came to understand something uncomfortable: many children who bully are modeling what they experience elsewhere. Some are bullied at home. Some live in environments where aggression is normalized.

Understanding that does not excuse the behavior. But it changes how you respond.

One tactic I used was unexpected kindness. In calm, public moments, I would speak to the child gently about kindness and self-control. I framed her as capable of better behavior. It disrupted the dynamic. She did not expect calm confidence; she expected anger.

You can hold boundaries without dehumanizing a child.

4) The lesson my children learned

The most important takeaway for my kids was this:

Bullies rely on silence.

When adults respond clearly, publicly, and persistently, the power dynamic shifts. When systems are engaged and documentation exists, behavior changes. When children are prepared for pushback, they become more resilient.

Bullying is painful. It tests your instincts as a parent. It tempts you toward either explosive anger or quiet avoidance.

The middle path is harder — but more effective:

Be calm.
Be clear.
Be persistent.
Document everything.
And refuse to let silence do the bully’s work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are asking too much from an 8 year old. Call the teacher and insist they are separated in class and small groups. To me, this girl is escalating with the pants issue. Perhaps the teacher can recommend another girl she can sit with at lunch. If the teacher doesn’t do anything, call the principal. While you are at it, tell whomever in charge you do not want B to be in her class next year.

The teacher has already separated them in class and in small groups. She's keeping an eye on the situation, but she can't dictate where kids sit at lunch or force kids to change tables to sit with my daughter if they want to sit with B. I will absolutely tell the school not to put them in class together in the future.

The school is capable of doing this. My kid’s public ES assigns seats at lunch. Ask.

Anonymous wrote:I think you are asking too much from an 8 year old. Call the teacher and insist they are separated in class and small groups. To me, this girl is escalating with the pants issue. Perhaps the teacher can recommend another girl she can sit with at lunch. If the teacher doesn’t do anything, call the principal. While you are at it, tell whomever in charge you do not want B to be in her class next year.

The teacher has already separated them in class and in small groups. She's keeping an eye on the situation, but she can't dictate where kids sit at lunch or force kids to change tables to sit with my daughter if they want to sit with B. I will absolutely tell the school not to put them in class together in the future.

I think you are asking too much from an 8 year old. Call the teacher and insist they are separated in class and small groups. To me, this girl is escalating with the pants issue. Perhaps the teacher can recommend another girl she can sit with at lunch. If the teacher doesn’t do anything, call the principal. While you are at it, tell whomever in charge you do not want B to be in her class next year.

Update: B threatened to pull D's pants down and then tried to convince A to do it. A refused.

So the next day, D decided not to sit with B at lunch, but then ended up sitting at a table by herself instead, because everyone she would want to sit with sits at the same table as B. She spent all of lunch watching B and A look happy and felt excluded.

I shared a story about my own elementary school bully, who used similar behavior to play friends off of each other as a power move. And suggested that D ask A to sit with her at another table, but she's convinced that A actually wants to sit with B.

She continues to tell her teacher when B misbehaves, but I don't know what more the teacher can do. She has already separated them in class, but she can't force B to sit by herself at lunch or monitor them throughout lunch and recess.

This happened to my DD in 2nd grade, although she didn't have a friend that was enduring it with her like yours. I recommend the book "My Secret Bully" by Tracy Ludwig. It is about a girl being bullied in a below the radar relational aggression type of way by a girl who she thought was her friend. It was exactly what happened with my DD and helped her wrap her head around the situation. We also had near daily conversations about standing up for yourself, picking good friends, etc. that year. While I wouldn't hesitate to notify the school counselor and teacher, just so they're aware, don't expect much in terms of them noticing the bad behavior and/or doing anything to prevent it. DD's teacher handled it by setting up a "schedule" DD had to follow, playing with the bully one day but being "allowed" to play with another friend another day. No surprise, that resulted in both of the other girls feeling they had partial ownership rights over DD and made things even worse. The counselor was more helpful, just as far as providing a supportive ear for DD. I'd also recommend requesting the school place your child in a different class than the bully next year.

New friends will make her forget about old "friends"

Maybe she needs to tell B that she doesn’t like it when she does this or that. And that she likes that they are friends and wants to continue to be friends, but not if she keeps doing things like this. Your daughter needs to not just know her limits but also a fair and respectable way of dealing with others. Give the other kid the opportunity to identify how her behavior is making others move away vs towards. If after enough attempts of doing this, this kid doesn’t start to show signs of treating your kid better then you can always tell your kid you don’t want them playing together. Your kid is getting older but still may need guidance to identify options for navigating relationships.

Anonymous wrote:There are American Girl books about this that really helped my daughter at that age. I don’t remember the titles but if you browse through their series of sort of advice/self-help titles there are at least 2 that I remember having in heavy rotation at that age.

Stand Up for Yourself & Your Friends
A Smart Girl's Guide to Friendship Troubles
A Smart Girl's Guide to Drama, Rumors & Secrets

There are American Girl books about this that really helped my daughter at that age. I don’t remember the titles but if you browse through their series of sort of advice/self-help titles there are at least 2 that I remember having in heavy rotation at that age.

Instead of telling her exactly what to do to solve the situation, you have to teach her she has agency, and that friends should make you feel good, and then let her figure it out.

So instead of telling hers to distance herself, when she tells you about the incidents with the other girl, just say "You know you can decide whether to spend time with her, right? It's up to you whether you play with her or not." Keep saying it, each time. She gets to choose.

And also remind her that a good friend will make you feel good when you are around them. Again, keep saying it. Even when she's like "I knoooooow." Keep it light, but keep saying it.

Another thing that can be helpful is to tell her about a time when you had to deal with an emotional bully. Could be from your childhood or from adulthood, but it needs to be a real example. Talk about how it made you feel and how you ultimately got away from it, and how you felt when you did. Kids really, really like to hear stories about their parents going through the same tough things they are going through. It helps them feel like it's normal for them to be dealing with a situation like this, and that they can get through it, and that they are not alone in it.

We used to have a next door neighbors child like b. B played with DC1 and DC2, and tried to dominate, demanding DC1 & DC2 to play only what she wanted. She stood in front of the bikes when my DCs wanted to bike as she didn’t want to bike. She took turn ignoring one of my DC to turn my DCs against each other. She would also teamed up with one of my DC, commend the DC to do something bad to another DC. I didn’t know at first, until I checked our backyard camera that the girl commended DC1 to lock DC2 outside our gate, then realized how things like these had been going on after I talked to my DCs. Then I immediately put a full stop to the “friendship”. Yes you definitely let the teacher know, I wouldn’t give the bully any chance to damage my own children. I myself had 2 “best friends” like this as I was in 1st grade, I still remembered nearly 50 years later as it’s a terrible experience. They have the skill to brainwash whoever they want to control. Just avoid.

Anonymous wrote:Make the teacher and school counselor aware of this.

She has told her teacher. B's behavior seems to be the worst at lunch and recess, when things are less supervised.

Make the teacher and school counselor aware of this.

My daughter (let's call her D) is in 2nd grade and has a bully who she thinks is her friend. The bully (let's call her B) was in her D's class in kindergarten and was mildly problematic then (clingy and possessive), but D considered her a friend in small doses.

They are in class together this year, along with D's best friend (we'll call her A). B regularly threatens D and A, telling them that she won't be their friend unless they give her candy at lunch or sit with her and not other friends. Last week, she took D's glasses off her face and gave them to A to play keep away, but A immediately gave them back to D.

D and A don't like this behavior, but seem to think that B is still their friend. My husband and I have talked to D about bullying and emotional manipulation. We've talked about how she can stand up for herself, when to tell the teacher (the glasses incident was an example), and when to take a break from B. A's mom has done the same with A. It's starting to affect D emotionally at home - she is moody and anxious about going to school (though she still wants to go, because she loves learning, but is stressed about seeing B).

How else can we help her deal with this situation? How can we encourage her to put distance between herself and B?