Anonymous wrote:Does your mom get outings? Are you or other family nearby to take her out to eat or out for shopping, drives, whatever?

If not, is there budget to hire outside aides a couple of times a week to spend a couple or few hours with her to take her places?

If other family members have offered to help, then absolutely ask them if they can take her out. If they have not offered, you may create more stress for yourself by doing that and either making them angry or get ghosted completely. I am the person who found when I took mom out more it backfired and we had more success with aides. I say this all not to tell you what to do, but just to make it so you are prepared for anything. I actually found family members and former neighbors who asked how they can help were doing it to be polite and when actually suggesting visit her or take her on an outing would help, most distanced themselves and one visited her at the facility once and we showed appreciation. Detaching and focusing on problem solving helped me a lot and the director often had a bunch of ideas and in the bunch we would find the gems that helped for a while. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom get outings? Are you or other family nearby to take her out to eat or out for shopping, drives, whatever?

If not, is there budget to hire outside aides a couple of times a week to spend a couple or few hours with her to take her places?

I don't want to discourage you from trying to take her out more if you have the time but just wanted to prepare you for the fact it made it worse for us. More sadness, guilt trips, etc. hiring outside aides helped much more because they didn't get sucked into any of that. The staff noticed it brightened her mood and the aides would sometimes send up photos out and about or clips. I wondered who that person was because she seemed much happier with them than with me! Made me feel good about outsourcing that.

When she says she wants to go home, it most likely is more about wishing her life the same as it was 10 years ago. I would suggest detaching, but working with the director with ways to help her feel at home there-activities she might enjoy, etc. I would also see if a med adjustment could help.

If she is in AL she should be able to get out. If she is making phone calls she has a lot of cognition.

Hire CNA's to take her places several times a week. Otherwise, yes she is in a prison environment.

I help a lady once a week with memory impairment. We go out once a week. Outings have included art museums, Art Guild store, city museum at our city hall, county museum (saw an 1800 year old wooden canoe), African American museum and talk, and also the locally owned grocery.

Does your mom get outings? Are you or other family nearby to take her out to eat or out for shopping, drives, whatever?

If not, is there budget to hire outside aides a couple of times a week to spend a couple or few hours with her to take her places?

She has dementia, OP. Dementia.
It is not reasonable *of you* to make decisions based on what she says

It doesn’t sound like it would be safe for your mom to live at home without 24/7 care. If that’s possible, you could consider it, but the expense for true 24/7 care is enormous

First, when was her last UTI screen? Silent UTIs are common with elders, and they can dramatically exacerbate dementia symptoms (and even cause them in people who don’t have dementia at all). Have a screen immediately because if she has a UTI, that could be causing what looks like significant decline.

You mentioned feeling like they are trying to drug her into compliance. Do not accept this. Medication is for the patient’s care and comfort, not the facility’s. You need to advocate with her care team and this won’t be the last time.

The article that PP posted was a good one. So often, once dementia is diagnosed, people start to just sort of shrug and accept needless suffering. There are many treatments and interventions that can greatly increase qol for dementia patients. People (including staff and medical team) often get so wrapped up in the incurability of dementia that they forget that the patient is still a person experiencing emotions, sensations, etc. “Oh, that’s the dementia.” You really have to push back against this.

OP, I hope you have good support for yourself. Caretaking for an elder with dementia is very demanding and emotionally exhausting.

Others who have more experience with dementia-related memory loss and emotional turmoil can address this process better than I can. But I saw this WaPo article today - might be worth your read. Is your mother allowed, encouraged to, move around - walk around - AL independently? If not, that might contribute to the trapped feeling.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2026/02/17/medicare-mobility-seniors-nursing-homes/?utm_campaign=wp_week_in_ideas&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_content=week_in_ideas&utm_term=jtk-flex-day

Anonymous wrote:It would be a disaster if she drove or if she lived alone at home.

Many people, including my mother, said she was moving out of AL. It was a way of asserting control when she realized there was little she could control.

Please talk to AL director or a geriatric social worker for hints to handle. You are doing the right thing by helping her live safely, but itis still very hard.

The other option is if she can afford it, you hire help.

Lie to her and say you are having repairs done on the house and you'll help her move back as soon as they are done. The behavior is normal with dementia and only gets worse.

My mother was cared for 24/7 in her house. She was still upset and often said she wanted to go home.

You are doing the right thing OP. Aging and dementia only go one way.

No!! This is evidence of cognitive decline, not evidence that she should live at home. I’m so sorry, OP, dementia is a terrible disease. If I have any advice it is to deny medical treatment as much as you can and do not take extreme precautions to prevent her from getting sick. I wish there was anything useful for you to do. We had to remove the phone from the assisted living room due to the repeated calls to the police.

PS. If she moved home, she would continue to age and her mental capacity is not going to improve. So you would be looking at another move before long. Two moves in less than two years would be stressful for her….and for you.

It is very hard to parent a parent but ok to make decisions for her safety and your sanity.

It would be a disaster if she drove or if she lived alone at home.

Many people, including my mother, said she was moving out of AL. It was a way of asserting control when she realized there was little she could control.

Please talk to AL director or a geriatric social worker for hints to handle. You are doing the right thing by helping her live safely, but itis still very hard.

For background, my mom has dementia, mild/moderate cognitive decline, poor short-term memory, and she thinks everything is fine.

She's lived in assisted living for the past year and is doing much better there (at home, she didnt eat much (?), slept little, and was more isolated. Before she moved, she was hallucinating and was hospitalized three times.

Shes gone back and forth between loving AL and wanting to move back home.

My question is lately she's been more laser focused on moving back home. I think her not being able to drive is the hardest and the reason for her not wanting to move. (Neurologist said she couldn't drive without a driving evaluation....and mom doesn't think she needs.)

Her home is 1+ hour away from family. But I hate her feeling like shes trapped. AL just started new meds, but I feel like they're just trying to drug her into compliance. Its new, but she seems wiped out all the time.

But on the same hand, she's calling the police, her old doctor, saying she's trapped and her car was stolen.

I wonder if she'd be better off at home, rather than feeling like this. But I also wonder if it would be a disaster.

I'm at a real loss for what to do. I dont know if anyone has any ideas or has been in a similar situation.