Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your circle must be small if it doesn't include people who have done those things. I don't know of anyone actively doing them except gossiping, but certainly, I have friends and family members who have done most of those things.

Have you ever talked to them about it? Have you ever said "it bothers me that you did this?" Dies it bother you?

No I try not to judge. That wouldn’t be my place, and in some cases I was shocked they did it because I hold them in high regard so I know they must have been in a bad place to do it.

Anonymous wrote:I did (do), and I think that anyone who says that they don’t is lying. For one thing, there are way too many a-holes out there, and most of them have friends and families. There are some truly saintly people who’ve never hurt anyone in their lives, but they also tend to be the kind to easily find some humanity in even the worst human beings, so they have those connections too.

Connected is not inner circle friendship, we all have acquaintances that are questionable, but if you call them a friend then you are either setting yourself up or doing bad things yourself. We have all done bad things in our life at some point and we all have limits on the level of transgressions that we would consider.

Example- I have made a lot of mistakes in life, but cheating on my spouse is a line I would never cross. If my friend sleeps with married women or cheats on their spouse, I know that he can likely justify anything behavior if it suits him in the moment. We could not be transparent or honest with each other, so the trust required for friendship wouldn’t exist. He justifies bad behavior to make it right, so the chance that he could justify betraying me is exponentially higher than someone morally compatible with me.

Good people have done bad things, but they don’t do bad things. Once they realize their actions are bad, they stop them to see themselves as good again. People can learn from their mistakes and change, but it requires a lot of work and until the work is done neither of us would have much interest in being more than casual acquaintances.

They rationalize it for money or social status.

No. I distanced myself from a friend group during covid because they kept in contact with a crazy racist antivaxxer. They were willing to overlook her nasty comments and views but I could not. I don't think my life is worse off not having her/them, but I do think friends are a reflection of you.

Anonymous wrote:I think your circle must be small if it doesn't include people who have done those things. I don't know of anyone actively doing them except gossiping, but certainly, I have friends and family members who have done most of those things.

A large group of acquaintances and small circle of friends is always a good thing.

Anonymous wrote:I think people who are friends with people who do terrible things are people who also do terrible things, totally dependent on those people, or haven’t found out how terrible they are.

I fit into none of the above, so no, I’m not friends with them. One is only as good as the company the keep.

+one million

Anonymous wrote:I think your circle must be small if it doesn't include people who have done those things. I don't know of anyone actively doing them except gossiping, but certainly, I have friends and family members who have done most of those things.

Have you ever talked to them about it? Have you ever said "it bothers me that you did this?" Dies it bother you?

I am pretty straight and narrow and have trouble trusting people who are not. So I can't think of any friends who would fit into this.

One close friend remains friends with a person accused (legally) of unsavory things. It makes me less interested in spending time with him, although he claims his friend was set up. I highly doubt that.

I did (do), and I think that anyone who says that they don’t is lying. For one thing, there are way too many a-holes out there, and most of them have friends and families. There are some truly saintly people who’ve never hurt anyone in their lives, but they also tend to be the kind to easily find some humanity in even the worst human beings, so they have those connections too.

I think your circle must be small if it doesn't include people who have done those things. I don't know of anyone actively doing them except gossiping, but certainly, I have friends and family members who have done most of those things.

I distance myself from them and their “friends”. “You are who your friends are” has generally served me well, but it was a lesson learned the hard way.

No.

I have a friend who cheated on her ex-husband. They did not have kids, and I do think that affected my response because it was only about the two of them. It has not changed our friendship. I do not condone cheating, for the record.

I had a neighborhood friend who sent a racist text to a group of other neighbors. That was it, we cut them off completely. There was no coming back from that. Others cut them off as well and they have since moved.

I think people who are friends with people who do terrible things are people who also do terrible things, totally dependent on those people, or haven’t found out how terrible they are.

I fit into none of the above, so no, I’m not friends with them. One is only as good as the company the keep.

...who has done terrible things to other people?

It doesn't have to be Epstein-level crimes. Hopefully the number of people that evil are somewhat limited. Doesn't even have to be crimes. Maybe they cheat on their spouse, or are an abusive boss. Maybe they are cruel gossips. Anything that causes harm to other people.

Do you overlook behavior that harms others as long as the person isn't harming you?

Why?