You need to accept that she is in control and it was his choice to give her POA.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Furious" is not an appropriate response either. End of life is hard, watching suffering, and wanting to have hope -- we all need to extend each other grace. Decisions are not perfect. Assume good intent. He will die soon enough. In no case are things manage with perfection.

Re: "furious". avoid extremes of emotional reactions, FIL would also not want that. You need to honor your FIL in that - this was a woman he loved. FIL would not want you to be cruel when unnecessary, even if her actions aren't perfect.

Good intent would be if she followed his MOLST.

Exactly. Thank you. A few weeks ago, wife tried to get FIL out of bed and, in a rare moment of clarity, FIL said "Leave me alone, I'm dying." Alzheimer's is a terrible and slow way to die. God help us all.

Anonymous wrote:"Furious" is not an appropriate response either. End of life is hard, watching suffering, and wanting to have hope -- we all need to extend each other grace. Decisions are not perfect. Assume good intent. He will die soon enough. In no case are things manage with perfection.

Re: "furious". avoid extremes of emotional reactions, FIL would also not want that. You need to honor your FIL in that - this was a woman he loved. FIL would not want you to be cruel when unnecessary, even if her actions aren't perfect.

Good intent would be if she followed his MOLST.

Unless you and DH are supporting a decision financially or you have to be available to assist your FIL...you need to just let it go.

I know it sounds hard, but at some point you realize getting aggravated and banging your head against the wall just gives you a headache but has no impact on the situation.

Anonymous wrote:"Furious" is not an appropriate response either. End of life is hard, watching suffering, and wanting to have hope -- we all need to extend each other grace. Decisions are not perfect. Assume good intent. He will die soon enough. In no case are things manage with perfection.

Re: "furious". avoid extremes of emotional reactions, FIL would also not want that. You need to honor your FIL in that - this was a woman he loved. FIL would not want you to be cruel when unnecessary, even if her actions aren't perfect.

Oh, please, we are all allowed to express emotions in our own homes. He has been nothing but polite and helpful to his father‘s wife every step of this journey. There is plenty of “grace“ being displayed here. You let me know how you feel when you see your parent being yelled at and berated for things like not replacing the coffee pot or for letting the dog out when your parent is no longer capable of functioning.

"Furious" is not an appropriate response either. End of life is hard, watching suffering, and wanting to have hope -- we all need to extend each other grace. Decisions are not perfect. Assume good intent. He will die soon enough. In no case are things manage with perfection.

Re: "furious". avoid extremes of emotional reactions, FIL would also not want that. You need to honor your FIL in that - this was a woman he loved. FIL would not want you to be cruel when unnecessary, even if her actions aren't perfect.

Thank you, all. This was very helpful advice. I will pass it along to my husband. Just this morning my husband told me that his mother remembers his father saying if he was ever in a demented state that he did not wish to live long. You’re all correct. This is what happens when you remarry. Ugh.

I am in another very similar position with a stepmother, a father who made the very bad choice to make her his POA, and now as he suffers unnecessarily in the throes of Alzheimers, I’m left with no real solutions or options to help him. When we consulted with an attorney, the only option was to take her to court. Absent severe physical neglect or abuse, the attorney was very frank that we would lose. He said unless we could show things like broken bones, beatings, very severe lack of basic hygiene, depriving of food, etc. but no judge would take away the POA on the basis of her, not following his wishes. He seemed really know his stuff, but of course we wanted a second opinion and we told the same thing by another attorney. The second attorney did discuss the timing of the POA. Had it been signed after an MCI diagnosis then we might have had a chance. In our case, it was signed shortly before. My father probably had MCI when he signed it but that wasn’t enough.

I don’t know your state or if there is any other avenue for you, but I suspect not. It’s really hard to live with, but as somebody pointed out upthread, our fathers made these decisions and it’s very difficult to live with, but we have no power and therefore we have no responsibility.

I do have a friend who called adult protective services and they actually did make some interventions, but in that case there was documentable neglect. They didn’t take away the POA though it just forced the stepmother to acquire some basic care for the dad.

I’m really sorry that your family is going through this.

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when men remarry. He married and didn’t give your husband POA. Ultimately, this is what he gets due to that decision. I will be in the exact same situation. It sucks, but at the end of the day, my dad had choices and he choose not to give me medical POA.

This is right. Unfortunately, your husband is in an 'accept the things he cannot change' position.

This is so hard, I see it a lot in my job. Unfortunately, his health care proxy can disregard his wishes, it's just a cruel thing to do. You can petition to have her removed as his proxy. I've seen families go to court over it but it can be a lengthy process. Is your DH able to talk to the hospital SW? In situations like this, I've found them to be very helpful because they want to honor the patient's wishes as well.

The only way to help FIL is for your husband to drop everything to accompany him to the hospital each time this happens, and tell the doctor that the patient's wishes need to be adhered to. Also, ask the doctor in front of MIL to explain that hospice is best at this point.

This is what happens when men remarry. He married and didn’t give your husband POA. Ultimately, this is what he gets due to that decision. I will be in the exact same situation. It sucks, but at the end of the day, my dad had choices and he choose not to give me medical POA.

DH has been trying to get his father into a care facility for two years. Unfortunately, while his wife complains almost daily about how she cannot care for him any longer, she refuses to place him there. DH has visited 4 facilities and repeated visits to total 8-10 at this point. Without medical POA, DH can't make any decisions. Wife will not place FIL in hospice. She does not appear to understand what hospice even is. It's all so exhausting for my husband who feels helpless.

This morning I told DH to tell the wife to contact me for a few days and block her, but he won't do that. My DH is angry and miserable but does not want to create waves at this difficult time. This has been going on for years now as his father gets progressively worse. I wonder why the doctor allowed FIL's wishes to be disregarded. Can a Medical POA just override a documented MOLST without consequence?

Can he go to hospice so that he is in comfort as he declines without intervention?

My FIL has advanced Alzheimer’s, is frail, sleeps most of the day, falls often, and has largely stopped eating. He does not recognize his son, cannot have any conversation, is extremely anxious, and cannot perform most ADLs. Yesterday, his wife told my DH that she was taking FIL to the hospital with Oxygen Saturation of 75%. FIL’s MOLST specifies no IV antibiotics. His wife disregarded the directive, saying it was meant for end of life and not this situation. My DH is furious. His father has no quality of life and would not want to have lived this way.

Any advice? It’s heartbreaking to watch this poor man decline.