Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is diagnosed neurodivergent. I love him a bunch. He is insanely smart and we have a lot in common.

His neurodivergence causes him to be super blunt all the time. He is very direct in expressing this he doesn’t like about me, though I know overall he loves me deeply.

We are talking marriage and I feel reluctant to marry someone who may complain about my traits regularly. Anyone have experience
With this?

At least you know where you stand.

What are these traits he says he dislikes?

Do you want kids? It would be a hard pass for me.

Why give your kids the genes which will make them struggle? Life is hard enough as it is!

Anonymous wrote:My bigger concern would be that parenting young kids is extremely stressful and it requires a LOT of pretending to be okay when you are tired, annoyed, overstimulated, etc. And sometimes pretending not to hate your spouse when in the moment, you want them to sit on a porcupine. And committing to not bean counting at least in the short and medium term. You do the pretending because you can see past the immediate discomfort, injustice and rage and you still believe in the long term vision.

If someone can’t do that, they might be a wonderful person and a good partner, but I think coparent will be difficult.

This. My DH is probably just this side of what would have been called Asperger’s years ago. Very literal and weirdly proud of it. Very stubborn about certain things. He thinks Sheldon Cooper says the quiet part out loud. My husband is not a jerk, though. He has learned to be diplomatic.

Here’s a litmus test: if someone is high-functioning enough to be married, they can be kind. They cannot control their nervous system, but they can darn well control what comes out of their mouth. They might have reactions to things: noise, textures, etc. They might have knee-jerk reactions to situations. They might have executive function challenges. They might see the world a different way. My DH is a trip and a half, but he’s always, always kind. I would not have children with your boyfriend because they would model that behavior, which is his very best. He will not be at his very best around toddlers. He will be worse. We all are.

No one is diagnosed "neurodivergent." It's not a diagnosis.

At any rate, get the heck away from him. You should be more than reluctant to marry anyone who complains about your "traits" at all, let alone "regularly."

He is masking as hard as he can. You must be crazy to marry him.

Run away

My bigger concern would be that parenting young kids is extremely stressful and it requires a LOT of pretending to be okay when you are tired, annoyed, overstimulated, etc. And sometimes pretending not to hate your spouse when in the moment, you want them to sit on a porcupine. And committing to not bean counting at least in the short and medium term. You do the pretending because you can see past the immediate discomfort, injustice and rage and you still believe in the long term vision.

If someone can’t do that, they might be a wonderful person and a good partner, but I think coparent will be difficult.

Uh...a$$hole is not in the DSM but neither is neurodivergent per se.

He is misapplying and ballooning whatever diagnosis he does have to make excuses for rude behavior.

People don't get to be rude just because they're autistic. Bottom line.

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is diagnosed neurodivergent. I love him a bunch. He is insanely smart and we have a lot in common.

His neurodivergence causes him to be super blunt all the time. He is very direct in expressing this he doesn’t like about me, though I know overall he loves me deeply.

We are talking marriage and I feel reluctant to marry someone who may complain about my traits regularly. Anyone have experience
With this?

What’s his actual dx?

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My experience is that if you are dating he is on his very best behavior. How would you feel if this is as kind or nice as he’ll ever be? Neurodivergence isn’t an excuse to be cruel or rude. Only you know if his comments are either.

I didn’t know about a diagnosis going into my relationship. It was made later. But I wish I’d paused and thought about if the little comments here and there were actually “no big deal” or if I was actually “overreacting”.

Everyone is overly concerned and overreacting with things versus a neurodivergent.

Bluntness isnt a real problem.

Poor communications and avoidant communication is a big problem.
Is that there?

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is diagnosed neurodivergent. I love him a bunch. He is insanely smart and we have a lot in common.

His neurodivergence causes him to be super blunt all the time. He is very direct in expressing this he doesn’t like about me, though I know overall he loves me deeply.

We are talking marriage and I feel reluctant to marry someone who may complain about my traits regularly. Anyone have experience
With this?

Never heard of this with ND people.
They usually mainly focus on their personal needs and hyperfocus, and don’t notice what’s going on elsewhere or with someone else.

Yes. My experience is that if you are dating he is on his very best behavior. How would you feel if this is as kind or nice as he’ll ever be? Neurodivergence isn’t an excuse to be cruel or rude. Only you know if his comments are either.

I didn’t know about a diagnosis going into my relationship. It was made later. But I wish I’d paused and thought about if the little comments here and there were actually “no big deal” or if I was actually “overreacting”.

My boyfriend is diagnosed neurodivergent. I love him a bunch. He is insanely smart and we have a lot in common.

His neurodivergence causes him to be super blunt all the time. He is very direct in expressing this he doesn’t like about me, though I know overall he loves me deeply.

We are talking marriage and I feel reluctant to marry someone who may complain about my traits regularly. Anyone have experience
With this?