OP here. Thanks so much for all the responses. I read them all and am trying to keep it positive at home. Lordy.

OP, your kid is likely deeply overwhelmed. It is such a hard age for every kid — and is especially so for kids with ADHD. My adhd kid was so, so hard at that age.

Somewhere along the line I realized that what DC needed more than anything was a gentle place to land. We had to move past focusing on (frustrating, so frustrating!) individual interactions to the bigger picture of what was happening — stress, rotten self-esteem, a desperation to be seen and known, etc. — and a resulting pattern of behaviors.

If I could go back, I would have a better sense of humor, be a better listener, and treat the frustrating/maddening behavior more as an expression of feelings DC wasn’t yet capable of putting into words. I would help, sooner, to help DC find those words, because that really was the starting point for change.

BTW, DC is now a young adult and is doing so, so much better than I expected/feared in those early adolescent days. If I could I would show this fact to my own younger self — like, “see, it’s okay. DC will be okay. Just focus on the relationship, because you can’t help someone without a relationship.”

Sending my support.

You may be doing more than you think because you seem to have instincts to reinforce his best qualities, love him and help him. One of the best “free” things to do with a kid like this is show them a ton of love and call out their good qualities as much as possible. He really needs to hear what his good qualities are, because life is constantly telling him the opposite.

As someone with ADHD, the preteen and teen years are sooooo hard because school and relationships get so much harder every year. Then you come home and if you’re not good enough there either - it’s a grind with no end. Weigh that against the marginal value of constantly working on behaviors that probably just need time to address anyway.

With respect to the behavior at home, you need to address it in the moment and the consequence must be immediate. If you take away a privilege that won’t happen for another 2 hours, they won’t care. There is only “now” and “not now.” My ADHD child knows we follow through on consequences but does not care if we say the play date for this weekend is off. We might as well be saying that they won’t get to do something 50 years from now. But if I say they can’t play quietly before bedtime and must go to bed immediately, that gets their attention.

And while it’s time-consuming to do, during a calm moment explain to him why his behavior is problematic, how it affects others, and what he can do instead. Brain-storm things he can do at home during the times you notice he’s being disruptive. My ADHD child has a hard time figuring out what they want to do when they’re bored, so it’s nice to have a list of options to suggest.

And make sure he gets some physical activity. Is there a park nearby where he can go play basketball or soccer or something? Agree with PPs about exploring other types of sports. Swimming can be a nice mix of individual effort in a team environment.

Lastly, you didn’t mention screens but how much screen time is your kid getting? Mine gets absolutely dysregulated if they’re on screens too much. So we don’t do any screens during the week and limit screen time on weekends.

Seeing a lot of this in the last few pages of these forums. Socially disconnected, need a different outlet in something other than video game and iPads. Needs work as growing with age in sports usually tends to mean they need to also “level up” in skills. Highly suggest Neural Movement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son has ADHD, is that a regular private school and doing fine academically. Socially, he doesn’t seem to have very many friends at school and I’m not entirely surprised because he is incredibly annoying and difficult at home. He is also kind, empathetic, charming, but before he accesses those qualities, he is first very intense and not in a good way. He is on medication and we have an appointment with a new neuropsychiatrist because I don’t think that the medication is working the way it should be.

Every moment with him is painful. He talks on top of us, he’s rude to siblings, he can’t ever find anything to do. It’s a lot and it is very negative within the household. I love him tremendously, and I want to help him, which I feel like I’m not currently doing. What do I do to get us back on track?

He loves sports and for a while it was a really great outlet for him. He has been cut from the travel team that he was on for skill deficits (not behavoir). I understand why, but it was definitely below and he is now struggling even in rec team sports. He is resistant to doing anything besides sports.

team sports are really difficult for adhd kids. Try individual sports. Tennis, wrestling, swimming etc.

I disagree. Team sports are an excellent outlet and best way to navigate relationships and behavior. An intense travel sport may be hard, but don't avoid all team sports. It can be the only group space where an adhd kid feels connection.

I had to check if I had written this! My 5th grade son has also hit a slump after a few years of growth and feeling like we had his emotions under control.

Socially, I am coming to realize that this is a really difficult phase for all boys. They are uber competitive. They are all insecure and they connect to others by pulling them down. My son has made great strides in knowing how to be a friend, but unfortunately this tween behavior with other boys is so difficult. He doesn't understand how to let things roll, and takes the roasting too far. He is easily offended. Then other kids pick on him because they know he's an easy target and it just spirals. So, some of the social things may not be your son's fault, boys this age are kind of awful to each other.

My son also got cut from his travel sport! He was resistant to rec teams, but ended up enjoying being able to do multiple different activities instead of just the one sport. Ive leaned in to variety for him. And more activities means hes around different groups of kids and can interact with others which helps with some of the difficulties with school frenemies.

I also am working hard on not being annoyed by him. I am trying to he so loving and patient even when he drives me insane. He has enough issues and insecurities, he needs love at home. Its not easy, but I know its needed.

Find things to enjoy about your son. Catch him doing something right. Him sensing that you think he's insufferable is going to make things worse.

For instance, I had a kid about your kid's age who was constantly making noises and we called him our "little orca who was vocalizing" which brought attention to the annoying behavior in a playful way.

I'm not trying to suggest that what you are going through isn't tough - but it's a normal thing for boys this age to struggle - especially ADHD boys who are immature.

Find him another sport to get excited about.

It’s the age, not the diagnosis.

Anonymous wrote:My son has ADHD, is that a regular private school and doing fine academically. Socially, he doesn’t seem to have very many friends at school and I’m not entirely surprised because he is incredibly annoying and difficult at home. He is also kind, empathetic, charming, but before he accesses those qualities, he is first very intense and not in a good way. He is on medication and we have an appointment with a new neuropsychiatrist because I don’t think that the medication is working the way it should be.

Every moment with him is painful. He talks on top of us, he’s rude to siblings, he can’t ever find anything to do. It’s a lot and it is very negative within the household. I love him tremendously, and I want to help him, which I feel like I’m not currently doing. What do I do to get us back on track?

He loves sports and for a while it was a really great outlet for him. He has been cut from the travel team that he was on for skill deficits (not behavoir). I understand why, but it was definitely below and he is now struggling even in rec team sports. He is resistant to doing anything besides sports.

team sports are really difficult for adhd kids. Try individual sports. Tennis, wrestling, swimming etc.

Anonymous wrote:While you are waiting for the medical appointment, pick one behavior to work on and target just that. First observe for a couple of days and keep a log of how often it happens. Then you sit with him in a calm way and say you have noticed that the behavior is occurring and you give him time to tell his side. Write it down to make it seem like you are taking his point of view seriously. Then you show him your log. Then you talk about what seems to start the behavior. Then you make a plan for stopping the behavior, which is most easily done by replacing the negative behavior with positive behavior. You tell him what you want him to do instead. Then you come up with an incentive to reward him if he can decrease the negative behavior in a set period of time. It might need to be a quick reward after only two days. Then you extend the time for three or four days. The whole time you praise him when he is cooperating. You have to catch him being good, and say so, even if you think he should just know better. While you target the one behavior, you be as positive as you can about everything else. Then you move on to another behavior.

I have a now 13yo with ADHD, agree with this.
If your son loves the sport he got cut from maybe try him on a different team?
He will be impulsive and not thinks think through like an average 11yo but ADHD is not an excuse to use for bad behavior. Thats what I tell myself.

11 was when things got very difficult for my son with ASD. In retrospect, I think it might’ve been the beginning of adolescence, even though he was a late bloomer. I think some hormonal changes start around then and make the kids massively more dysregulated than before. We did start with a new therapist and new medications and that helped some, but it was a tough stretch. It got better around 8th/9th and we had a good stretch. Later HS was tough.

While you are waiting for the medical appointment, pick one behavior to work on and target just that. First observe for a couple of days and keep a log of how often it happens. Then you sit with him in a calm way and say you have noticed that the behavior is occurring and you give him time to tell his side. Write it down to make it seem like you are taking his point of view seriously. Then you show him your log. Then you talk about what seems to start the behavior. Then you make a plan for stopping the behavior, which is most easily done by replacing the negative behavior with positive behavior. You tell him what you want him to do instead. Then you come up with an incentive to reward him if he can decrease the negative behavior in a set period of time. It might need to be a quick reward after only two days. Then you extend the time for three or four days. The whole time you praise him when he is cooperating. You have to catch him being good, and say so, even if you think he should just know better. While you target the one behavior, you be as positive as you can about everything else. Then you move on to another behavior.

My son has ADHD, is that a regular private school and doing fine academically. Socially, he doesn’t seem to have very many friends at school and I’m not entirely surprised because he is incredibly annoying and difficult at home. He is also kind, empathetic, charming, but before he accesses those qualities, he is first very intense and not in a good way. He is on medication and we have an appointment with a new neuropsychiatrist because I don’t think that the medication is working the way it should be.

Every moment with him is painful. He talks on top of us, he’s rude to siblings, he can’t ever find anything to do. It’s a lot and it is very negative within the household. I love him tremendously, and I want to help him, which I feel like I’m not currently doing. What do I do to get us back on track?

He loves sports and for a while it was a really great outlet for him. He has been cut from the travel team that he was on for skill deficits (not behavoir). I understand why, but it was definitely below and he is now struggling even in rec team sports. He is resistant to doing anything besides sports.