Anonymous wrote:You are doing a really good job with this. Just stick to absolutely saying no two extras. She has to live within her means, and her means are extraordinarily generous. She still gets to be in a sorority. She’s not taking out student loans. She has a generous meal plan and her housing paid for. She actually doesn’t need money. And yet she will get more money in 10 days. Let her suffer the very, very minor slight inconveniences of having spent all of her money. She has to experience living within her needs. Just say no.

You have to say no! Frankly someone her age should be able to manage a two-week payroll cycle. She needs to learn to plan and control her impulses and this isn't even that difficult. It's not about the money, it's about her taking responsibility.

If you give in this time, even saying this one time only, it will keep happening know that you will bail her out. Say no. Make her wait until distribution.

You created this mess. Say no. They get twice a month allowance and meal plan. That is plenty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always worked and they know not to come to me for frivolous purchases. I have boys through. If I had a girl I would probably give her extra. Being a woman is expensive.

OP here. There's also the equity issue. The older child is out of college, has a salary, but lives in a high cost of living area. Her rent for a small bedroom in an apartment is nearly as much as my mortgage. There is no monthly allowance from a 529 anymore. She makes it work.

The youngest is still in college. I'm taking care of her needs -- that's fine, she's still a dependent. But if I indulge in the "extras" then I feel like I need to give the older child "extras" too. Or, if the older child finds out her sister gets "extras" she might be hurt and resentful.

I guess I, too, am still trying to move past the childhood era when I tried to treat them equally.

I guess we'll see where we are in a couple of years when younger child graduates. That will be more of an apples-to-apples situation. I can just see their different financial habits and worry more about the younger one.

My older son is out of college and has a good job. I don't give him any money except on his birthday. My younger son is a senior in college and I do give him extras. Life will never be even and they know that. They're best friends and it's never been an issue. Now if something happened and my older son needed money I would give it to him. Right now he has 20 grand saved so he is doing ok.

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always worked and they know not to come to me for frivolous purchases. I have boys through. If I had a girl I would probably give her extra. Being a woman is expensive.

OP here. There's also the equity issue. The older child is out of college, has a salary, but lives in a high cost of living area. Her rent for a small bedroom in an apartment is nearly as much as my mortgage. There is no monthly allowance from a 529 anymore. She makes it work.

The youngest is still in college. I'm taking care of her needs -- that's fine, she's still a dependent. But if I indulge in the "extras" then I feel like I need to give the older child "extras" too. Or, if the older child finds out her sister gets "extras" she might be hurt and resentful.

I guess I, too, am still trying to move past the childhood era when I tried to treat them equally.

I guess we'll see where we are in a couple of years when younger child graduates. That will be more of an apples-to-apples situation. I can just see their different financial habits and worry more about the younger one.

Action, or in your case, no action. Talk doesn't matter. There are no magic words. Talk will likely just escalate her emotional manipulation

Btw, how do you know what she spends it on? Mine had a debit card, only, in college and I tried not to look. The times I did look I made some wrong assumptions. Called DS in a panic thinking something was wrong with his (our) car and he was afraid to tell us. There were Uber charges for transportation. My 21 yr old said, "Mom we were out and had been drinking. I took an Uber home. You wouldn't have wanted me to drive, right?"

Be consistent and clear. I remember at one point when I was in school starting to pay for my own life my parents gave me a pretty specific list of things they would pay for and what I was expected to pay for. For example they would pay for gas to drive home (it was 300 miles) but not gas just for driving around school. They always paid for tuition/meal plans/housing/sorority dues/health care so this was really about spending money. I had paid internships during the summer and a part time job during the school year that helped my spending money. After a few occasions where you can't afford to go out with your friends you wise up. Just make sure she's not taking on credit card debt on the side.

My kids have always worked and they know not to come to me for frivolous purchases. I have boys through. If I had a girl I would probably give her extra. Being a woman is expensive.

You are doing a really good job with this. Just stick to absolutely saying no two extras. She has to live within her means, and her means are extraordinarily generous. She still gets to be in a sorority. She’s not taking out student loans. She has a generous meal plan and her housing paid for. She actually doesn’t need money. And yet she will get more money in 10 days. Let her suffer the very, very minor slight inconveniences of having spent all of her money. She has to experience living within her needs. Just say no.

Anonymous wrote:What do you want here? You’ve already set up the rules. If you control the distributions, you just enforce them. You don’t have to discuss it. Let it be painful, that’s the whole point.

Fwiw I got to be “on the payroll” indefinitely and I still ended up rich. I think day to day budgeting is fine and important especially if you’re close to the bone, but the idea that it’s the heart of financial security is a load of crap sold to Americans by grifters. What career she chooses/earns is way more important than her haircut.

But, it’s your money and your rules so I don’t understand your issue here. It’s important to you, and you have control. So let it ride.

That's how it works. If you are on the payroll, your income is for savings and wealth (or hookers & blow, depends on the adult child). But if OP doesn't want to bankroll her adult kids, then she needs to be firm.

Following. I can see my 11 year old turning into this.

What do you want here? You’ve already set up the rules. If you control the distributions, you just enforce them. You don’t have to discuss it. Let it be painful, that’s the whole point.

Fwiw I got to be “on the payroll” indefinitely and I still ended up rich. I think day to day budgeting is fine and important especially if you’re close to the bone, but the idea that it’s the heart of financial security is a load of crap sold to Americans by grifters. What career she chooses/earns is way more important than her haircut.

But, it’s your money and your rules so I don’t understand your issue here. It’s important to you, and you have control. So let it ride.

Anonymous wrote:keep saying no on the extras, be consistent

I do that. It's more an issue of how she's managing the 529 distribution that concerns me. But I guess the natural consequence of blowing half of your allowance on a haircut is that you run out of funds early and half to wait 10 days for the next distribution. Ramen noodles are cheap, right? Dining hall food won't kill you, kid.

keep saying no on the extras, be consistent

Anyone have any advice on helping adult children understand they won't be able to afford things their parents paid for when they were teenagers now that they're supposed to be launched? That they need to budget their own income and adjust their lifestyles accordingly and there won't be parental subsidies?

My own situation is complicated because I'm divorced. The ex-spouse who has the higher income (me) is more frugal. The lower-income ex-spouse is more free-spending. This was a contributing factor for the divorce, actually -- one spouse thought nothing of living beyond the family's means. After the divorce, the kids had parents living separately, modeling different financial habits.

Now as young adults, one child is officially launched. She takes after the frugal spouse. Rarely asks for money for extras. I happily pay for things like trips home, help with trips to see her grandparents in California, etc. I send the occasional gift and matched her own contributions to a Roth IRA. She's still on my cell phone on the family plan (that's more inertia) and I'm covering her health insurance as it's superior to what she could get with her own employer. That obviously will end when she turns 26 (by law).

The younger child is still in college. I pay for her sorority because she got a scholarship. She's also on the phone plan and health insurance (of course). She gets a 529 distribution twice a month for living expenses -- food, toiletries, etc. And the 529 also buys a meal plan on campus. She knows she needs to earn her own spending money during the summer for extras but has dragged her feet on that. No matter how many times I have told her she needs to budget the money she receives (and have tried to show her how to do this), this child thinks nothing of Uber Eats for take-out pretty regularly. She also casually spends on things like premium beauty products and just got herself a $200 haircut. These are the sorts of things the other parent does.

She just asked for another distribution a week before it's scheduled because she dropped $200 on a haircut... I.e., she isn't managing her money very well. She's also asking me to pay for Spring Break. She just got upset with me because I told her she'd have to wait until the 15th for her next distribution (she just got one a week ago). She has money on her university account so can eat meals on campus, that's not an issue. She just wants spending money going into the weekend, I think.

I know I need to have a come-to-Jesus (again) with the youngest. But I'm curious for those who've weaned their own adult children off the payroll, and those children are accustomed to certain upper middle class lifestyle habits (like $200 haircuts and premium makeup), how did you snap them to reality? I'm always willing to pay for the things my adult children NEED, but I'm unwilling to indulge everything they WANT.