All intensive caregiving is some level of acting, pretending you’re not exhausted or cranky or desperate to be somewhere else. That’s okay. The pretending is an act of love, too.

Being secretly stressed/tired/frustrated on the inside doesn’t make you a bad person. Doing it anyway is what makes you a good person.

They can’t tell. A thought is just a thought. And you are human. It’s okay.

Anonymous wrote:I went through this last year with my dad. He stopped eating, drinking, bed ridden for weeks. At one point he announced he was dying, and I got teared up and held his hand. Then he opened one eye and peered at me. I said “yup, still here”.
He’s still kicking and it’s been nearly a whole year. Sigh.

I’m assuming he resumed eating and drinking?

Tell them you will be okay and your family will be okay.

Once my dad heard that, he died a few hours later. Before that, he hung on for more than two weeks.

I seriously think that length of dying caused me health issues.

Anonymous wrote:Those of us who have been long term caregivers who have had to watch our loved ones ever so slowly dying in the worst way possible can totally relate. As long as they’re comfortable you can think those thoughts. As long as you continue to take care of them there is no way they can know your thoughts. Give yourself some grace and please know you’re not alone!

Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people wait until their family leaves their bedside to die.

This. Happens so many times in our family, friend's elders. Just because an obit says someone dies surrounded by family does not mean they were all there at time of death. You visit, you sit with them and if it's prolonged sometimes hospice will tell you to give them breaks.

Even if they can tell, you have my permission to stop caring if they do.
You’ve done all you could for him, you don’t owe him your emotions

I went through this last year with my dad. He stopped eating, drinking, bed ridden for weeks. At one point he announced he was dying, and I got teared up and held his hand. Then he opened one eye and peered at me. I said “yup, still here”.
He’s still kicking and it’s been nearly a whole year. Sigh.

Those of us who have been long term caregivers who have had to watch our loved ones ever so slowly dying in the worst way possible can totally relate. As long as they’re comfortable you can think those thoughts. As long as you continue to take care of them there is no way they can know your thoughts. Give yourself some grace and please know you’re not alone!

Do they have control when they pass?

Anonymous wrote:No, don't worry about it.
Before death, the patient's world gets increasingly smaller until all they can think about is themselves. It's normal. It will also happen to you.

Just make sure they're physically comfortable, please, OP. As much pain meds as they need.

Professionally I have experienced a lot of people's final moments and the time leading up to it. PP is right. The best thing you can do is just make them comfortable. And the other pp is right, a lot of people wait for their loved ones to step out and then they pass.

I think a lot of people wait until their family leaves their bedside to die.

Anonymous wrote:No, don't worry about it.
Before death, the patient's world gets increasingly smaller until all they can think about is themselves. It's normal. It will also happen to you.

Just make sure they're physically comfortable, please, OP. As much pain meds as they need.

Thank you.

No, don't worry about it.
Before death, the patient's world gets increasingly smaller until all they can think about is themselves. It's normal. It will also happen to you.

Just make sure they're physically comfortable, please, OP. As much pain meds as they need.

I'm really concerned about the frequency that I'm sitting at my father's bedside holding his hands and making sure he's comfortable when what I am thinking is DIE OLD MAN!! DIE!!

I know I will get flamed by people who pretend they're better than that but I don't care. I do my best. That's what I feel and think more and more and there is no end in sight.

Do you think at the moment of death they are aware of things like this?