Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Oh, that won’t work for me.”

“Unfortunately I can’t host these days. But I’d love to get together when you’re in town!”

That’s as gracious as you can get. Your family obviously does not care about your relationship if they are asking you to host people who are strangers to you. They are going to be put off regardless because rude, entitled people often are when they are told no.

Best you can do is be nice when you’re shutting it down and leave zero room for argument. If you say your space is too small, they’ll promise not to spread out (they will). If you say you’re too busy, they’ll promise to stay out of your way (they won’t). If you say you’re broke, they’ll offer to pay for a meal (they won’t and they’ll be secretly insulted at your lack of hospitality).

Just.Say.No.

They’re actually not rude entitled people. They just have very different ideas about staying with others. They host a lot themselves, including me and my family.

NP. I have a friend who thinks nothing of hosting family from out of town and they all sleep on the living room floor together. Like, a one bed apartment crammed with 11 people is nothing to her and her husband. I would never. I don't even want to sleep on someone's couch. It's okay to say no. It's even okay to tell a white lie and say your landlord has gotten strict about overnight guests or you're using the spare bedroom as an office now and got rid of the bed, whatever.

It sounds like this may be cultural. In many cultures it’s expected that you will host visitors at your home (sometimes frequently).

You might have to be the one that breaks the cycle in your family. Just say no. You might be the bad guy for a bit, but then you’ll move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be one thing if you didn't want to host but you had the space. Then I could see why you'd feel some guilt. But if you don't have space, you don't have space. Nothing to fret over. I think it's fair to give a reason (unles like others who are saying the whole "no is a complete sentence" line).

Op here. I mean, is there technically a closet sized bedroom they could use? Yes. But it would involve them crowding in, me feeling bad I don’t have more room for them, sharing bathrooms etc.

I’m also about to start doing some renovations on the space that could have been used, so that helps

Do not feel guilty. I live in Manhattan and have a nice guest room . . . for guests of my choosing, not for entitled friends-of-friends who don't want to spend money on a hotel room.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be one thing if you didn't want to host but you had the space. Then I could see why you'd feel some guilt. But if you don't have space, you don't have space. Nothing to fret over. I think it's fair to give a reason (unles like others who are saying the whole "no is a complete sentence" line).

Op here. I mean, is there technically a closet sized bedroom they could use? Yes. But it would involve them crowding in, me feeling bad I don’t have more room for them, sharing bathrooms etc.

I’m also about to start doing some renovations on the space that could have been used, so that helps

They would be more comfortable in a hotel. They can stretch out, make noise, etc. "Sorry, I can't host." If they ask why, just repeat yourself. They'll eventually get the point.

Anonymous wrote:“Oh, that won’t work for me.”

“Unfortunately I can’t host these days. But I’d love to get together when you’re in town!”

That’s as gracious as you can get. Your family obviously does not care about your relationship if they are asking you to host people who are strangers to you. They are going to be put off regardless because rude, entitled people often are when they are told no.

Best you can do is be nice when you’re shutting it down and leave zero room for argument. If you say your space is too small, they’ll promise not to spread out (they will). If you say you’re too busy, they’ll promise to stay out of your way (they won’t). If you say you’re broke, they’ll offer to pay for a meal (they won’t and they’ll be secretly insulted at your lack of hospitality).

Just.Say.No.

They’re actually not rude entitled people. They just have very different ideas about staying with others. They host a lot themselves, including me and my family.

Anonymous wrote:It would be one thing if you didn't want to host but you had the space. Then I could see why you'd feel some guilt. But if you don't have space, you don't have space. Nothing to fret over. I think it's fair to give a reason (unles like others who are saying the whole "no is a complete sentence" line).

Op here. I mean, is there technically a closet sized bedroom they could use? Yes. But it would involve them crowding in, me feeling bad I don’t have more room for them, sharing bathrooms etc.

I’m also about to start doing some renovations on the space that could have been used, so that helps

“Oh, that won’t work for me.”

“Unfortunately I can’t host these days. But I’d love to get together when you’re in town!”

That’s as gracious as you can get. Your family obviously does not care about your relationship if they are asking you to host people who are strangers to you. They are going to be put off regardless because rude, entitled people often are when they are told no.

Best you can do is be nice when you’re shutting it down and leave zero room for argument. If you say your space is too small, they’ll promise not to spread out (they will). If you say you’re too busy, they’ll promise to stay out of your way (they won’t). If you say you’re broke, they’ll offer to pay for a meal (they won’t and they’ll be secretly insulted at your lack of hospitality).

Just.Say.No.

It would be one thing if you didn't want to host but you had the space. Then I could see why you'd feel some guilt. But if you don't have space, you don't have space. Nothing to fret over. I think it's fair to give a reason (unles like others who are saying the whole "no is a complete sentence" line).

Anonymous wrote:The answer is no OP.

Read the post. Ffs.

The answer is no OP.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I say that I’m not comfortable hosting people with whom I am not close, and then I send them a list of hotels they might like.

Yea, although that comes off a bit cold, no? Especially because such and such a friend is ‘their’ close friend who you know a little but how could you not know how easy and wonderful they would be as guests?? (Sarcasm)

No, but I also have zero guilt about having firm boundaries. Join me, won't you?

Hint: the key to saying no is to NOT give a reason why. Only very special close people are given that privilege, because they can be trusted to not counter with how you could make it work. "Sorry Sis, I can't host your sorority sister's coworker's nephew's friend, but both the Weed Inn and Stripper Strip Inn are close to the event he's attending."

Yes. I say that I’m not comfortable hosting people with whom I am not close, and then I send them a list of hotels they might like.

You say, "no"

friends of family members?

I do and it puts me in a very awkward position, especially because hosting for them is often much easier.

But my space is small, I work a lot and it is a big imposition. I don’t have a rehabbed basement I can send people to.

How do you handle? Obviously I know many snarky people will respond ‘just say no’ but I like to keep family dynamics as positive as possible. So a little nuance would help.