I am adopted because my grandparents were uber Southern Baptists who couldn't abide an out of wedlock baby.

Through Ancestry.com I found them. Went to a reunion and their was more than one unwed mother there, fully embraced by the family.

Adoption is loss even in the best of situations.

I'm very sorry for what your mom and family have gone through, OP. May you all find peace.

I'm an adult adoptee and a parent via adoption and birth. Are there any circumstances under which you can imagine an ethical adoption? I believe adoption should be rare and the last resort but I don't believe it shouldn't exist at all.

Anonymous wrote:I was looking up the Crittendon Homes just now. There apparently is a book called The Girls Who Went Away.
Growing up in Florida in tgexeatly 60s one always heard of junior high and high school girls who went away.
I knew a couple through their siblings. They seemed relieved to be home after "visiting a sick aunt."

OP here. I think what was most traumatic for my mom beyond the loss of her baby was the secrecy and shame. The girls weren’t even able to tell each other their real names. And after she got home, it was never, ever spoken about.

Even now, with currently relinquishing mothers at least now having access to therapy or places like here where people can post anonymously and get support, most therapists are ignorant about adoption loss and will repeat the kind of gaslighting messaging that’s been promoted by the adoption industry…like, at least you gave your child a better chance at life, yours was the bravest love, blah blah blah. What comfort would it be to find out if your child had been kidnapped that he was now living with very rich people, didn’t remember you, and was happy? On paper, it should be comforting, but any mom knows that that truly would not be a comfort at all. (I mean compared to torture and death, yes, but there is no respite from the pain of loss or separation.)

Research shows that nearly 50% of relinquishing mothers who also experienced the death of a child found that the pain of the adoption loss was ultimately more traumatic than death, which can to some degree have softened edges over time. But to know your child is in the world and have your motherhood permanently severed from him…for most, it doesn’t get better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent I think your comment about selling babies to the highest bidder is insulting. All situations are not the same.
Having said that I agree with your overall post. Those homes were a disgrace and I had no idea they were still happening. The way right wing evangelicals treat other humans in the name of Christianity is horrific.

My siblings are adopted, so I understand your perspective to a degree.

I know that my siblings were adopted from a country where unethical adoption practices have recently come to light, and it’s terrible to think that they could have been victims of those practices. We hope the adoption agency handled their cases ethically, but we’ll never know.

I also think that as we learn about these unethical practices, adoptive parents have a responsibility to proceed carefully to ensure that the process treats the birth mother ethically. It’s not easy to do.

It’s been interesting how much DNA has opened up a picture into the dark recesses of human trafficking in international adoption, too. One of my former students was adopted from Guatemala in the late 80’s I think. Super loving adoptive parents, older, had faced infertility a long time, and thought that adopting an abandoned baby from Guatemala was more ethical than a domestic infant adoption, since that baby presumably “needed” a home. It’s only now in her 30’s that the daughter found a full sibling through commercial DNA, and she later found out that she had been stolen from the hospital and her mom was told she had died. The mother never believed it because she never was able to take the body home and there were rumors that other babies had been taken, so the whole family grieved all their lives until the sibling had DNA done decades later and found her. The reunion has been probably equal parts grief and equal parts joy…but she doesn’t even speak Spanish so can’t yet fully connect with her first parents who have loved and missed her so much. And she can’t be angry with her adoptive parents since it’s not like they personally kidnapped her, they just believed what they were told by the adoption agency. And for them there is the terrible mix of guilt but no regrets since their daughter is their greatest joy…but to obtain joy at someone’s unrelenting pain and suffering is an impossible cost. It’s so sad all around.

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent I think your comment about selling babies to the highest bidder is insulting. All situations are not the same.
Having said that I agree with your overall post. Those homes were a disgrace and I had no idea they were still happening. The way right wing evangelicals treat other humans in the name of Christianity is horrific.

I would be so interested in your perspective after you listen to the podcast, if you do that. Did you adopt an infant domestically? I know it’s really hard to frame your adoption as something that sounds as crass and commercial as buying a baby, and of course women aren’t allowed to sell their babies, but once an adoption agency procures an infant from its mother, how can you see it as anything but selling to the adoptive parent? They aggressively market adoption to vulnerable pregnant women, have advocated for draconian laws in most states that give almost no time for women to change their minds about relinquishment once they have signed the papers (most egregiously in Utah where there is no revocation period whatsoever and mothers are pressure to relinquish immediately after delivery when most are still in pain medication), and the vast power imbalance between adopting and relinquishing parents means that the natural mother has almost zero recourse if she has been coerced or made to sign under duress because she would have to pay for legal counsel to challenge both the deep pocketed adoption company and the deep pocketed would-be adopters. The idea that such a transaction is truly voluntary is almost always a myth.

That said, I don’t believe adopters are evil and I dearly love many friends who have grown their families through adoption. One adopted from an orphanage in Ethiopia only to find 7 years later that her daughter was not actually an orphan at all and that her father always wanted her and fought to get her back after she was temporarily placed in care when he was ill. Another adopted from a college student in an open adoption and has been deeply uncomfortable because she struggles to navigate the first mother’s ongoing pain and suffering of the loss of her son. They never really deeply investigated how much the young mother truly freely chose adoption versus felt pressure led into it by family and her status as a college student, and now that she is successful and older, her grief at having made such a permanent decision to address a very temporary problem only worsens over time. It’s very complicated because their son deeply loves both of his mothers. I think if the adoption agency had been more truthful to both of them about what relinquishing mothers face and the true statistics about regret and the trauma of separation, they both might have made different choices. (What I admire about her is that she has not turned away from her promise of an open adoption even though many other adopters would have restricted access to the first mother because her emotions are so complicated for all of them to navigate. That may be the worst betrayal of all, the fact that so many mothers are promised open adoptions and don’t realize that that is not in any way legally binding and the adopters can cut off all contact at anytime, with no recourse for the first mother. That happens to several of the young women in the podcast.)

I am sure you adopted with the best of intentions and would love to hear your perspective.

I was looking up the Crittendon Homes just now. There apparently is a book called The Girls Who Went Away.
Growing up in Florida in tgexeatly 60s one always heard of junior high and high school girls who went away.
I knew a couple through their siblings. They seemed relieved to be home after "visiting a sick aunt."

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I may check this out.

The fact is that most people give up their babies simply for financial reasons and if they had more financial support, they would keep them. I had a coworker several years ago was very religious and very anti-abortion. Which we weren’t close so I absolutely should not have known that in the workplace and I was younger, so I just didn’t realize how inappropriate it was that he shared so much.

Anyway, he and his wife were planning on adopting and it was just because they wanted to be these white saviors. So tracks that there’s a whole industry, coercing young women to give up their babies to fuel this.

The book RELINQUISHED by Gretchen Sisson, which compiles extensive research on relinquishing mothers over just the past 20 years, backs this up. Many relinquishing mothers would have kept their babies if they literally had a car seat and one month’s rent. It is absolutely horrific that our country’s lack of a basic social safety net for pregnant women and infants means that so many mothers who do NOT want to give up the babies feel forced into adoption because they have no other options.

What makes it worse is that adoption agencies and all of the layers of lawyers and home study providers profit off this predation of young, poor mothers.

Anonymous wrote:Also, we need to stop pretending adoption is all rosy. Severing ties with biological parents can be heartbreaking even if that parent was a bad parent. And dont even bet me started on the second chance adoption market. Families can just decided they dont want their adopted kid anymore and place them for a new home via facebook/online groups. Its horribe and we need more regulations.

What would happen if I decided I didnt want my bio kid? I certainly wouldn't be able to just transfer them to someone else.

Actually you could and it’s not that hard.

Also, we need to stop pretending adoption is all rosy. Severing ties with biological parents can be heartbreaking even if that parent was a bad parent. And dont even bet me started on the second chance adoption market. Families can just decided they dont want their adopted kid anymore and place them for a new home via facebook/online groups. Its horribe and we need more regulations.

What would happen if I decided I didnt want my bio kid? I certainly wouldn't be able to just transfer them to someone else.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I may check this out.

The fact is that most people give up their babies simply for financial reasons and if they had more financial support, they would keep them. I had a coworker several years ago was very religious and very anti-abortion. Which we weren’t close so I absolutely should not have known that in the workplace and I was younger, so I just didn’t realize how inappropriate it was that he shared so much.

Anyway, he and his wife were planning on adopting and it was just because they wanted to be these white saviors. So tracks that there’s a whole industry, coercing young women to give up their babies to fuel this.

Yup. I read adoption cost range from 20k to 60k. What if we gave a struggling new mom 60k to help raise the baby. Would she still place the baby for adoption?

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent I think your comment about selling babies to the highest bidder is insulting. All situations are not the same.
Having said that I agree with your overall post. Those homes were a disgrace and I had no idea they were still happening. The way right wing evangelicals treat other humans in the name of Christianity is horrific.

My siblings are adopted, so I understand your perspective to a degree.

I know that my siblings were adopted from a country where unethical adoption practices have recently come to light, and it’s terrible to think that they could have been victims of those practices. We hope the adoption agency handled their cases ethically, but we’ll never know.

I also think that as we learn about these unethical practices, adoptive parents have a responsibility to proceed carefully to ensure that the process treats the birth mother ethically. It’s not easy to do.

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent I think your comment about selling babies to the highest bidder is insulting. All situations are not the same.
Having said that I agree with your overall post. Those homes were a disgrace and I had no idea they were still happening. The way right wing evangelicals treat other humans in the name of Christianity is horrific.

Just because your adoption didn’t go that way it doesn’t mean that it isnt a prolific practice. Maybe don’t take it so personally and acknowledge terrible things happen in this industry.

People are allowed to debate things just even if it makes you personally uncomfortable. Ridiculous.

Interesting. I may check this out.

The fact is that most people give up their babies simply for financial reasons and if they had more financial support, they would keep them. I had a coworker several years ago was very religious and very anti-abortion. Which we weren’t close so I absolutely should not have known that in the workplace and I was younger, so I just didn’t realize how inappropriate it was that he shared so much.

Anyway, he and his wife were planning on adopting and it was just because they wanted to be these white saviors. So tracks that there’s a whole industry, coercing young women to give up their babies to fuel this.

As an adoptive parent I think your comment about selling babies to the highest bidder is insulting. All situations are not the same.
Having said that I agree with your overall post. Those homes were a disgrace and I had no idea they were still happening. The way right wing evangelicals treat other humans in the name of Christianity is horrific.

Has anyone else listened to the 6-episode Wondery podcast called Liberty Lost? I am dying to talk about it with other listeners and want sure wtwher to post about it here, in Religion, in Politics, or in Parenting-Special Concerns.

Short story: if you thought the shameful era of “girls who were sent away” in secret to religious maternity homes where they were coerced, pressured, and often forced to give up their babies for adoption was a thing of the past, may I introduce you to the Liberty Godparent Home at Liberty Univeristy in Lynchburg, VA?

Falwell and Co have been raising tons of money for decades on this maternity home, convincing their duped followers that they are saving babies from abortion by providing care and suooort to pregnant women so they will save their babies.

In truth, virtually none of the women sent to the home ever considered abortion (all raised Evangelical) and they weren’t cared for or supported at all — they were put on Medicaid so taxpayers fitted the bill for their medical care while Falwell raised money off it. And yes, they got free room and board but only if they were considering adoption. Anyone who was sure they wanted to parent was booted out. And the girls are relentlessly shamed, pressured, and outright bribed with full ride scholarships to Liberty if they give up their babies to the affiliated adoption agency to essentially sell to the highest bidder.

The level of lies, intimidation, coercion, and outright predation inflicted on these young mothers is absolutely obscene.

I feel really passionately about this issue because my mom was one of those girls sent away to a Catholic home for unwed mothers as a teen in the 60s and the trauma of it not only ruined her life but truly traumatized our next generation as well. I have struggled with the effects of neglect and parental addictions. One of my siblings died by suicide. Our mom spent our childhood in and out of hospitals with depression and suicide attempts. Her feelings of guilt were absolutely paralyzing and suffocating to all of us. Even in reunion with her first child who miraculously found us 3 decades later, the trauma and suffering did not ever really relent for her. She trusted the Church and was betrayed on so many levels through the process, with outright cruelty. And worst of all with the lie that relinquishing mothers are still told: that relinquishment is the greatest expression of love, that knowing that you did the brave and selfless thing by giving your baby to a wealthy “better” family would assuage your agonizing pain at losing your baby, that going on and having other children would heal those wounds: all lies then and all lies now.

I had no idea that evangelical maternity homes are growing all around the country and are perhaps even more abusive and coercive than what my mom endured 60 years ago. I am furious that women my age would inflict this cruelty on their own daughters in order to be good handmaidens to Christian nationalist patriarchs. It has truly sent me into a tailspin of rage that this kind of systematic abuse of young woman is still occurring, and babies are still being ripped from mothers who desperately want to keep them.

Anyone care to listen and discuss????