I tell him to take a break when I see he’s getting triggered.

And at one point I told him very seriously he needed to work on parent training (which you’ve already done.) but in the moment, letting him take a break helps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is aware of it and tries to do better. But it doesn’t always happen. We have full family discussions about this dynamic. “Dad is emotional and has a hard time controlling it” and that type of thing. I do handle some of the triggering activities- such as teaching the kids to drive. He should not go near that one.

OP here and this is so interesting to me that he is aware of and admits this dynamic. My husband does occasionally but in general seems to feel like it’s justified when he’s stressed. I struggle with how hard to push him because his mom was SO much worse I do think this is him trying to do his best. I think my biggest frustration is that he’s made these lifestyle decisions that mean he is stressed pretty often

What does DH say about the dynamics with his mother? How did her behavior make him feel?

Anonymous wrote:My DH is aware of it and tries to do better. But it doesn’t always happen. We have full family discussions about this dynamic. “Dad is emotional and has a hard time controlling it” and that type of thing. I do handle some of the triggering activities- such as teaching the kids to drive. He should not go near that one.

OP here and this is so interesting to me that he is aware of and admits this dynamic. My husband does occasionally but in general seems to feel like it’s justified when he’s stressed. I struggle with how hard to push him because his mom was SO much worse I do think this is him trying to do his best. I think my biggest frustration is that he’s made these lifestyle decisions that mean he is stressed pretty often

My kids called their dad crazy and try to stay away now at 18+. He can bring anyone down.
He can 'try hard' alone away from everyone else.
I moved out long ago, so the kids could take breaks.

Yeah, same here. It is hard. My DH tries hard, but has unrealistic expectations. He would try to not blowup, but if it doesn’t get the result he wants immediately, he will storm away in anger. He then complains to me that he did what I suggested and it didn’t work.
I tried explaining that the kids are still kids and a + b doesn’t always equal c. Then he gets mad at me.
So most of the time now, I’m letting him figure it out on his own as I don’t feel like getting blamed and becoming a target of his ire.
I’m more focusing that the kids are okay. I hope they are.

My DH is aware of it and tries to do better. But it doesn’t always happen. We have full family discussions about this dynamic. “Dad is emotional and has a hard time controlling it” and that type of thing. I do handle some of the triggering activities- such as teaching the kids to drive. He should not go near that one.

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some specific examples? It is possible that you are being too accommodating towards your kid and that is frustrating your DH. You could also try couples counseling if DH is willing to go

I am usually not involved. I try to handle a lot of the hard stuff because if my husband does it he gets upset easily if he’s stressed. So for example showers are always a struggle to get people going quickly enough. If oldest doesn’t want to take a shower I remind them once or twice and then note they will not have time for the bedtime activity that we often do together. They usually honestly go do it after maybe 10-15 seconds. DH will handle this many different ways when he’s stressed. He might give. 4 or more reminders with escalating loudness and finally end up yelling that he’s told them 10 times to go shower! Or sometimes he might take it personally if they don’t jump out of their chair instantly and launch into a lecture about how ungrateful DC is or being up some disagreement from earlier in the day and how he can’t believe that now DC is being disrespectful again and basically get drawn into an argument about what may or may not have happened or if DC was actually being disrespectful by not jumping out of their seat.

If he’s not stressed he handles it more or less the same way I do which I have generally thought means he agrees with that approach. It is definitely not that he always has a zero tolerance policy for reminders and I give endless reminders or something like that. I am much more likely to for example take away a book if they are reading instead of taking the shower or something like that but I do it calmly (most of the time).

Can you give some specific examples? It is possible that you are being too accommodating towards your kid and that is frustrating your DH. You could also try couples counseling if DH is willing to go

OP here. Kid has been fully evaluated and has a couple diagnoses, is on medication and doing pretty well in most situations now after YEARS of work. I have asked my husband to get evaluated for ADHD many times (the child in question has severe ADHD). He will not answer has been willing to do therapy a few times in the past which has always helped for a year or two and then he kind of goes back to being reactive and unproductive. He took a more stressful job a couple years ago over my strong objections and now has no time for any of the things that used to help, including exercise.

To be clear no red lines are crossed and I don’t feel ready to issue any ultimatums since I am obviously not perfect either and sometimes am short with the kids or don’t handle things how I should. But I recognize it and try to repair and change things because it’s important and I can really see how it affects our relationship with the oldest child in particular. I am just very tired of this dynamic of me so hard to get this kid in particular help and in a good place and he comes in and can’t stay calm with them so they end up having a big argument, sometimes over teen attitude and sometimes over more legitimate issues. I am already the one implementing and enforcing consequences most of the time based on our clearly communicated rules so it’s not like I am just letting everything go.

It's possibly heritable so keep an eye out for kid support needs too.

bump

^^ yep, both kid and dad got better on meds.

"Dysregulated" sounds like a euphemism here.

If your husband can't manage his emotions and is taking it out on the kids, he definitely needs therapy. And if he's "dysregulated," he probably needs medication too.

Will he get medicated? Or go to therapy?

And likely ND themselves, how do you cope? My DH is a good guy and tries hard to be a good day and he never crosses any red lines but when he gets stressed he’s very prone to being pissy in unproductive and getting into power struggles with our kids. This seems to get worse as the kids get older (he was actually pretty good with the kids as babies and toddlers) and it’s not all the time but I am so worried as our oldest becomes a tween/teen and gets REALLY good at pushing buttons that we are going to need more help (again). We did parent training about 5 years ago and it was so helpful but I feel like we need something different soon.

I have been trying to basically make things as easy as possible and keep my cool myself but sometimes I end up feeling resentful about having to minimize possibilities for things escalating so often.