Anonymous wrote:That’s how I feel too.
I shared with one close friend what’s going on and she says that he’s ashamed of his expenditures…
Again, when I start having a conversation as an adult, what I get as a huge blowup. Rage

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses. I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money. And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't. Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives. Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall. So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input. So that's what's going to happen.

You're actually blaming OP for her husband's secret new $50k in debt (which presumably would be way more if not for the inheritance) after he promised not to do that again?

This is not about the inheritance or OP not taking appropriate control of combining finances. It's about her dishonest husband behaving very poorly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses. I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money. And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't. Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives. Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall. So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input. So that's what's going to happen.

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….