What if you texted and said "Hey, we won't be home later, so don't come over. See you Tuesday!" And then lock the doors.

I can't relate because nobody has my keys and I keep my doors locked. But also because in my extended family we believe boundaries make good relationships.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you find her useful things to do elsewhere in the house? Like, hand her a vacuum or dirty laundry?

It's sad that she feels like she needs to prove her worth by cleaning....

+1. Is there some real housework that you can leave her to do? Dusting is quiet and could be done in other rooms. Cleaning the kitchen?

I'm guessing you both are Greek and think it's appropriate to go to your married, adult kids' houses and find excuses to spend each evening there instead of in our own homes.

No. I am a WASP. I can't relate to OP's dilemma. My parents both started having dementia and other health issues when I was in my thirties with young kids. So I had to take care of my parents, not the other way around, while also raising my own kids. If your biggest issue with your mom is that she likes to come over and clean, well, not sure what to tell you. Maybe send her to my mom's house so she can clean up my mom's urine and urine-soaked sheets instead of me?

You definitely have it worse! Sorry to hear that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I miss my mom. She would do our laundry, cook, do dishes. She hated to sit still. Treasure them while you can. I recognize my own puttering around and cleaning my kids rooms in your description. It’s because I know my time with my teens at home is short, and I don’t get to see them much after school. It’s a way of doing something for them that makes me feel useful.

This.

Yes I understand this and I could maybe handle it a couple of times a week but the daily nightly visits and re-tidying of already tidy spaces in the evenings is becoming just way too much for our family and I feel like we no longer have our family time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you find her useful things to do elsewhere in the house? Like, hand her a vacuum or dirty laundry?

It's sad that she feels like she needs to prove her worth by cleaning....

+1. Is there some real housework that you can leave her to do? Dusting is quiet and could be done in other rooms. Cleaning the kitchen?

I'm guessing you both are Greek and think it's appropriate to go to your married, adult kids' houses and find excuses to spend each evening there instead of in our own homes.

No. I am a WASP. I can't relate to OP's dilemma. My parents both started having dementia and other health issues when I was in my thirties with young kids. So I had to take care of my parents, not the other way around, while also raising my own kids. If your biggest issue with your mom is that she likes to come over and clean, well, not sure what to tell you. Maybe send her to my mom's house so she can clean up my mom's urine and urine-soaked sheets instead of me?

Anonymous wrote:I miss my mom. She would do our laundry, cook, do dishes. She hated to sit still. Treasure them while you can. I recognize my own puttering around and cleaning my kids rooms in your description. It’s because I know my time with my teens at home is short, and I don’t get to see them much after school. It’s a way of doing something for them that makes me feel useful.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you find her useful things to do elsewhere in the house? Like, hand her a vacuum or dirty laundry?

It's sad that she feels like she needs to prove her worth by cleaning....

+1. Is there some real housework that you can leave her to do? Dusting is quiet and could be done in other rooms. Cleaning the kitchen?

I'm guessing you both are Greek and think it's appropriate to go to your married, adult kids' houses and find excuses to spend each evening there instead of in our own homes.

It sounds like she is either trying to feel useful/needed or she finds comfort in doing the tasks she did when she felt good. My mom was visiting over the holidays and we were renovating the kitchen (sometimes you do silly things to get a project completed when the contractor has an opening). I was emptying the drawers and my mom offered to wipe out the insides. I didn't want her to wear herself out but agreed to let her help. After she finished one drawer her who demeanor changed. She stopped complaining about aches and pains. Her mood improved and she looked 15 years younger. Afterwards she said it felt so nice to be needed.

Maybe see if you can find a few tasks to have her help with. If you can plan something then maybe she will be ok with not coming every day.

Can she see well and write? Maybe she could write out some recipe cards for the meals you liked growing up. Then she could come over and teach the grandkids how to make it. Give her a purpose and an opportunity to work with the next generation.

Anonymous wrote:Can you find her useful things to do elsewhere in the house? Like, hand her a vacuum or dirty laundry?

It's sad that she feels like she needs to prove her worth by cleaning....

+1. Is there some real housework that you can leave her to do? Dusting is quiet and could be done in other rooms. Cleaning the kitchen?

Anonymous wrote:Can you find her useful things to do elsewhere in the house? Like, hand her a vacuum or dirty laundry?

It's sad that she feels like she needs to prove her worth by cleaning....

Most adults don't want their parents coming over every night.

Can you find her useful things to do elsewhere in the house? Like, hand her a vacuum or dirty laundry?

It's sad that she feels like she needs to prove her worth by cleaning....

Anonymous wrote:You say ‘lately,’ how long has this been going on? I think you can say, politely, that you love having her over but every week night is getting to be a bit much. Tell her you need time to wind down just your immediate family, and ask she only come on Mondays or Wednesday or whatever. Maybe suggest they come over early enough to eat dinner together and then you can actually spend time together vs her hanging out in bedrooms. It sounds like they are lonely, or maybe your mom is sliding into dementia. But I would nip it in the bud now before the every day thing becomes totally normal.

Are you Greek by any chance? My Greek in laws describe a similar dynamic with parents coming over every night, just because they were bored. I’m glad we live many states away, or I’m sure they would be in my house every day too!

Part Greek and Eastern European. I agree with the previous poster that I think it's her way of being part of our lives. While she is up there, my dad is bored and sits on his phone. She has always been sensitive and easy to anger so we are afraid to set her off. She is 70.

I miss my mom. She would do our laundry, cook, do dishes. She hated to sit still. Treasure them while you can. I recognize my own puttering around and cleaning my kids rooms in your description. It’s because I know my time with my teens at home is short, and I don’t get to see them much after school. It’s a way of doing something for them that makes me feel useful.

You say ‘lately,’ how long has this been going on? I think you can say, politely, that you love having her over but every week night is getting to be a bit much. Tell her you need time to wind down just your immediate family, and ask she only come on Mondays or Wednesday or whatever. Maybe suggest they come over early enough to eat dinner together and then you can actually spend time together vs her hanging out in bedrooms. It sounds like they are lonely, or maybe your mom is sliding into dementia. But I would nip it in the bud now before the every day thing becomes totally normal.

Are you Greek by any chance? My Greek in laws describe a similar dynamic with parents coming over every night, just because they were bored. I’m glad we live many states away, or I’m sure they would be in my house every day too!

How old is she? What does your dad do when she is cleaning? Has she always been "sensitive" or is this new? If not new, has it increased from before.

This sounds like some sort of mental issue or decline. And she probably is trying to find a way to be a part of your lives.

My parents currently live 10 min away from us. I have tween and teen children. Lately, my parents have been visiting daily, coming in as we are having dinner. My mom will then go upstairs to our bedrooms and "clean." Our house is clean. It's not spotless but it is tidy. I noticed that she will re-make everyone's beds and rehang towels and things that are totally unnecessary. It is getting to the point where she is constantly in my way and the duration of these "cleanings" are lasting 2-3 hours on weeknights. It's disruptive to my kids as they are studying and trying to wind down. I have told her that it is unnecessary, yet she just waves me off and continues to "clean." Recently she has been sick and I asked her to not do it but she still did it, still re-made all the beds, all while coughing on them. I don't understand why she feels the need to do this and I am not sure of how I can kindly get her to stop. She is extremely sensitive and angers easily. If anyone has any similar experiences/advice, please do share. Thanks.