Anonymous wrote:Never. I feel so badly for your friend's kids.

You are right to feel bad for them. I’m 55 and still have emotional pain from a childhood in which I was constantly pushed away and also told to be quiet. I felt entirely unwanted by my mother, who nevertheless thought she was a very good one. I have totally f’d up attachment issues because of the denial of affection and attention throughout my early and middle childhood. Later in my life she complained bitterly when I didn’t want her calling me every day after I had moved out on my own and then to college and law school.

Love is free, and a renewable resource. Give it to your children abundantly, no matter how much they ask for it. It will pay dividends to their mental health and their ability to form secure attachments in adulthood.

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is misguided and could have issues of her own. You need to tell her that this is a developmental no-no. If the child has extreme separation anxiety, she needs to have them evaluated and a plan of action needs to be discussed with a professional.

That's what I've always learned. If the child feels safe, secure, and listened to when they are small, they will naturally develop independence. It worked with my now adult kids but I'm no expert.

I'm a never say no mom but that's my choice. Mothers get judged so much. It's really gross to expect mothers (always the mothers) to be physically on-demand like that. I think it's ok for a parent to be touched out and know their boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:Never. I feel so badly for your friend's kids.

+2

That is sad af.

I heard a comment about the characters at Disney, and that they are trained to let the children who hug them pull away first. I am already pretty affectionate but now I consciously allow the hug until my kids pull away first.

love snuggles from my teens - it's rare these days so take what you can get

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that they are using those things as a bedtime stalling technique?

Otherwise no unless it's like a safety thing example I'm using the oven it's hot no hugs right now.

Or I'm going to the bathroom hugs are later.

.or and this is controversial at an activity that's meant for them to be with other kids I won't have them sitting with me the whole time.

Yeah I mostly just have to cut it off at some point when it's being used to prolong bedtime.

Otherwise like a PP if there is something going on with the sibling that needs my attention.

But usually I am all in on this stuff.

Could it be that they are using those things as a bedtime stalling technique?

Otherwise no unless it's like a safety thing example I'm using the oven it's hot no hugs right now.

Or I'm going to the bathroom hugs are later.

.or and this is controversial at an activity that's meant for them to be with other kids I won't have them sitting with me the whole time.

Your friend is misguided and could have issues of her own. You need to tell her that this is a developmental no-no. If the child has extreme separation anxiety, she needs to have them evaluated and a plan of action needs to be discussed with a professional.

Never. I feel so badly for your friend's kids.

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend that frequently tells their children “no” when they ask for things like hugs or to be tucked in. She feels they are too needy/clingy and wants more boundaries and for them to be more independent/self soothe. Is this something you’ve seen or do?

I would never tell my kid no to a hug or being tucked in barring some extreme circumstance like if they were asking for a hug but covered in vomit or something.

On very rare occasions, and I always feel like a monster when I do. Like when my toddler is sick and I'm trying to comfort him and then my first grader asks "can I snuggle too?" but 1) I'm not snuggling here, I'm desperately trying to get him to stop crying, 2) I don't want you to catch whatever this is if you haven't yet, and 3) I'm completely touched out from having a sick kid on me all day. So I'll say "not right now" or "after baby goes to sleep we can cuddle" but I genuinely feel like Pol Pot or something watching her face fall.

Can't imagine just regularly telling my kid they can't have a hug to toughen them up, but everyone has different circumstances.

Never. My kid is pretty independent on this stuff, but I can't imagine denying her physical affection. There's a lot of the day where your kids are far from you and have to learn to self soothe anyway, without saying no to a hug.

It's about the parent/child balance. If you teach your child body autonomy and consent, parents should model that and assert it.

That being said, my 10 yo is so huggy and kissy and constantly telling me I'm the best mommy, so I never say no. It's just so sweet and irrestiable.

I wish my kid were like that. Never had separation anxiety, never spontaneously kisses me, rarely asks for a hug. I would never say no if I had a cuddly kid.

I have a friend that frequently tells their children “no” when they ask for things like hugs or to be tucked in. She feels they are too needy/clingy and wants more boundaries and for them to be more independent/self soothe. Is this something you’ve seen or do?