I won the real jackpot. I am relatively intelligent with an easygoing and resilient temperament.

My parents were both mentally ill abusive nightmares but they don’t get to decide my destiny. I do. I’ve built a wonderful life starting with a major disadvantage. I don’t really sit around reliving the past or being traumatized by it. But I think the real advantage was something I was born with.

I don't disagree. I grew up with an absent father who was an abusive spouse to my mother. But I had so little interaction with him, I don't even really consider him my father. Sperm donor yes.

All I know is that my mom had me at 22 with a 30+ year old who hit her. She left him when I was young. She paid all the bills. She put herself through school. She bought us a home. She did every. single. thing. she could to give me a good life. And she did! The last thing on earth I could imagine is ending up with someone like my dad, after seeing what hell my mom went through.

I love and respect her so much <3 She loves my DH and is so happy that I ended up with someone calm, stable and kind who loves and respects me.

I broke the cycle and I’m very proud of myself for that. I spent a lot of time studying the fathers of my friends that I considered “good dads.” It still makes me sad that my kids don’t have good grandparent models, but I will break the cycle on that too, God willing. DH is far from perfect (works a little too much, isn’t much into domestic things like cooking and decorating) but is a very loving and involved husband and father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only do you get the benefit of growing up in a home with a present father who you know loves you and demonstrates to you every day how men should great their spouse and kids, but it greatly increases your odds of finding a husband like this, which will lead to a better marriage, easier parenting, and a happier life.

Meanwhile, those of us who have bad or absent dads (or, jackpot, those of us whose dads were absent but also abusive and terrible when around) have to grow up feeling inadequate and unloveable because of our crap dads, then have no idea who to find or attract men who are better. Then even if we find men who are better, we don't know how to deal with it because we have really low self esteem and are suspicious of people who don't immediately recognize that we are bad people unworthy of love. Even if the find good men and actually figure out that we should marry these men, we then will struggle with those negative feelings from our childhoods throughout our lives, making our marriages less smooth and making parenting more challenging.

If you had a great dad, you should understand that you won at life before you were even born. I think it's one of the single best things that can happen to a person. I hope you understand this and have some empathy for those of us who never had this.

Are you blind? You are crapping on your dad, but giving your mother a pass?

Yep, Mom is often superhero, holding the family together and doing 110% of the parenting and hard work, after Dad abandons the family and all responsibility and accountability (but is too selfish to even acknowledge it)

My Dad was a POS and so was my Mom. They had a lot of kids and made a lot of money and the most important thing was looking good on the outside. We appeared to be the perfect family but they did not have the capacity to love or care. They valued expensive things but they owned nothing. Their things owned them.

My dad was a cheater who was in and out of our lives until I was 12. He stuck around that last time, but I had long written him off. I was quick, like a pp, to drop a guy at the first red flag. I have been married for 24 years to a faithful, honest guy who is an excellent father and who we can rely on. There are women who respond to absent or terrible dad by picking terrible partners. There are women who learn, as I did, what to run from.

Yes. My father is an amazing, kind, hardworking man with integrity and curiosity of the world. DH is similar. I'm lucky and glad I waited to meet DH and didn't marry a previous boyfriend so my kids have a good father.

My father is a profoundly honest and kind man. That made me, unconsciously I think, run away from any guy with integrity issues.

My DH is honest but I did have to compromise on kindness though.

I wish I had a better dad but I'm not sure it's as cut-and-dry as these posts make it seem. Because my dad sucked (abusive alcoholic, chronically unemployed and took it out on all of us) I was really content to just not mess with guys at all. I didn't date until law school and was perfectly fine walking away when I saw red (or even orange) flags. My husband is a great guy and provider (not in the millionaire sense but in the hard worker sense), and a hands-on dad. My sister, OTOH, desperately sought male attention and approval ever since we were teenagers and neded up with a series of inappropriate men, a useless (now ex-) husband, and is a single mom. People can react differently to the same stimuli.

Just meeting my father chased off the jerks. He was a WW2 veteran and had a quiet, strong presence.

It’s a huge bonus for their future husbands as well. A crappy father ruins more great women than any other aspect of their lives.

Anonymous wrote:Not only do you get the benefit of growing up in a home with a present father who you know loves you and demonstrates to you every day how men should great their spouse and kids, but it greatly increases your odds of finding a husband like this, which will lead to a better marriage, easier parenting, and a happier life.

Meanwhile, those of us who have bad or absent dads (or, jackpot, those of us whose dads were absent but also abusive and terrible when around) have to grow up feeling inadequate and unloveable because of our crap dads, then have no idea who to find or attract men who are better. Then even if we find men who are better, we don't know how to deal with it because we have really low self esteem and are suspicious of people who don't immediately recognize that we are bad people unworthy of love. Even if the find good men and actually figure out that we should marry these men, we then will struggle with those negative feelings from our childhoods throughout our lives, making our marriages less smooth and making parenting more challenging.

If you had a great dad, you should understand that you won at life before you were even born. I think it's one of the single best things that can happen to a person. I hope you understand this and have some empathy for those of us who never had this.

Are you blind? You are crapping on your dad, but giving your mother a pass?

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like the correlation people make between their Dads and men they date/marry, I think it’s so weird.

For heterosexual people, your opposite-sex parent is very informative for you. It's not just how they treat you (but yes that), it's also the example they set in how they treat your same-sex parent.

A great dad not only would be kind and supportive of his daughter, teaching her that it's okay to expect that behavior from men, but he would also be kind and supportive toward her mom, showing her what that relationship can look like.

None of this has anything to do with sex, so it doesn't have to be weird. It's about interpersonal behavior and the way people show up emotionally for one another. Your relationship with your parents sets the tone for the rest of your life.

I don’t like the correlation people make between their Dads and men they date/marry, I think it’s so weird.

Not only do you get the benefit of growing up in a home with a present father who you know loves you and demonstrates to you every day how men should great their spouse and kids, but it greatly increases your odds of finding a husband like this, which will lead to a better marriage, easier parenting, and a happier life.

Meanwhile, those of us who have bad or absent dads (or, jackpot, those of us whose dads were absent but also abusive and terrible when around) have to grow up feeling inadequate and unloveable because of our crap dads, then have no idea who to find or attract men who are better. Then even if we find men who are better, we don't know how to deal with it because we have really low self esteem and are suspicious of people who don't immediately recognize that we are bad people unworthy of love. Even if the find good men and actually figure out that we should marry these men, we then will struggle with those negative feelings from our childhoods throughout our lives, making our marriages less smooth and making parenting more challenging.

If you had a great dad, you should understand that you won at life before you were even born. I think it's one of the single best things that can happen to a person. I hope you understand this and have some empathy for those of us who never had this.