Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.

Testosterone drives a lot of our actions. I don't understand why women want to define how we should act We are different for God sake. We are not going to react the ways you want us to react. I feel like we are trying to "reengineer" men into the kind of men that women want. It creates resentment on both sides.

Anonymous wrote:What do women mean by emotional availability?

It comes over and over in this forum. Can you provide examples?

Is it fair to expect men to be as emotionally available as women?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.

No response will be seen as very uncaring in almost all situations. If someone shares their feelings with you and you just shut down, no one is ever going to think that's a good response.

I think the main thing men (and women, there are also women who don't get this) need to understand is that generally when someone shares their emotions with you, they are not asking for help solving a problem. They may not even perceive themselves as having a problem -- they are just processing emotions. So the "wrong" response is usually to focus on logistics or circumstances around the emotion and suggest way to fix it. But no one asked for that and again, the thing you are trying to fix might not even be a problem. They just wanted to share their feelings and have someone hear them. That's it. The problem was feeling alone in their emotions and the fix is to hear and receive those emotions so they are not alone.

Example: your girlfriend comes to you emotional over having lost a plum work assignment to a colleague. She expresses feeling inadequate at work, her doubts about having chosen that industry, and fear that she will never accomplish her work goals. She is not actually asking you for career advice and she may not even need career advice. It's normal to sometimes have insecurities at work, to question your career choices, or to worry about the future. These are extremely normal emotions and everyone has them sometimes, even very successful people. All she wants is for you to hear that, perhaps validate that those feelings are pretty normal, and maybe let her know that you believe in her. That's it. It's actually *easier* than attempting to go into full on career advisor mode. She's not looking for a career advisor (and if she was, no offense, but she might look for someone who works in her industry or has more experience or can view her situation more objectively, not you). She's looking for a boyfriend who will just say "ugh, that sucks, I wish you'd gotten that assignment too! totally reasonable that would make you ask these questions, I think anyone would feel that way. But also I just think you're very smart and capable and you'll navigate this like you always have." No judgement, just support. It's honestly not even that hard.

Why can't she preface it by saying "I am not seeking your advice...", but instead expects you to guess the appropriate ways to respond. Just be direct with what you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.

Testosterone drives a lot of our actions. I don't understand why women want to define how we should act We are different for God sake. We are not going to react the ways you want us to react. I feel like we are trying to "reengineer" men into the kind of men that women want. It creates resentment on both sides.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.

No response will be seen as very uncaring in almost all situations. If someone shares their feelings with you and you just shut down, no one is ever going to think that's a good response.

I think the main thing men (and women, there are also women who don't get this) need to understand is that generally when someone shares their emotions with you, they are not asking for help solving a problem. They may not even perceive themselves as having a problem -- they are just processing emotions. So the "wrong" response is usually to focus on logistics or circumstances around the emotion and suggest way to fix it. But no one asked for that and again, the thing you are trying to fix might not even be a problem. They just wanted to share their feelings and have someone hear them. That's it. The problem was feeling alone in their emotions and the fix is to hear and receive those emotions so they are not alone.

Example: your girlfriend comes to you emotional over having lost a plum work assignment to a colleague. She expresses feeling inadequate at work, her doubts about having chosen that industry, and fear that she will never accomplish her work goals. She is not actually asking you for career advice and she may not even need career advice. It's normal to sometimes have insecurities at work, to question your career choices, or to worry about the future. These are extremely normal emotions and everyone has them sometimes, even very successful people. All she wants is for you to hear that, perhaps validate that those feelings are pretty normal, and maybe let her know that you believe in her. That's it. It's actually *easier* than attempting to go into full on career advisor mode. She's not looking for a career advisor (and if she was, no offense, but she might look for someone who works in her industry or has more experience or can view her situation more objectively, not you). She's looking for a boyfriend who will just say "ugh, that sucks, I wish you'd gotten that assignment too! totally reasonable that would make you ask these questions, I think anyone would feel that way. But also I just think you're very smart and capable and you'll navigate this like you always have." No judgement, just support. It's honestly not even that hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.