Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about it. Make the Holiday cozy with things he like to eat and activities he likes to do... or full of relaxation and lounging about, if that's more his vibe. I enjoy being around my husband's family, OP, because they work as a team and trust each other. My family is a vipers' nest: my aunts and my mother never hesitate to stab each other in the back at any given opportunity!

It's all good. We usually spend the Holidays just DH and I with our kids, because our close relatives are overseas, and for some of them, it's a relief they're so far away...

Thanks for this. This is the plan. I already have a lot of these things on the back burner, ready to bring them forward when needed.

Thanks for sharing how you feel about your own ILs. I’m feeling really… guilty? about time spent with my family this Christmas. They treat him like a second son, and I know he loves them, but it still feels weird.

Anonymous wrote:He'll handle it on his own terms. As you have realized correctly, it's an internal struggle. The fact that he handled Thanksgiving so well is a huge positive. Just be present. He'll let you know if he needs your support as all of us are different. I personally don't want to talk to my DH about my difficult mother at all as his "advice" is completely useless at best and irritating at worst.

Can you tell me more about the useless and irritating things? I want to avoid this for sure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with happy families sometimes want to fix unhappy ones. Actually with an unhappy family, separation IS the happier choice.
It's a relief not to have drama trauma on a holiday.
Yes it's wistful wishing for those idealized holidays that never actually were, or remembering a few happy things, but each year will be better.
Never saw my mother the last 5 years of her life.

I definitely don’t want to “fix” anything; the peace has been a blessing! But I would be remiss to say I don’t notice it affects my husband, and to want to support him emotionally.

OP

Don't stop him if he needs to talk about it even if you get sick of it. For a lot of people it's like vomiting all the bad stuff out.

Don't talk about it. Make the Holiday cozy with things he like to eat and activities he likes to do... or full of relaxation and lounging about, if that's more his vibe. I enjoy being around my husband's family, OP, because they work as a team and trust each other. My family is a vipers' nest: my aunts and my mother never hesitate to stab each other in the back at any given opportunity!

It's all good. We usually spend the Holidays just DH and I with our kids, because our close relatives are overseas, and for some of them, it's a relief they're so far away...

^ and he could easily turn into his parents. Or he married an enabler

OP, your focus/attention to this, at all, and how to handle just reenforces that drama exists.

He'll handle it on his own terms. As you have realized correctly, it's an internal struggle. The fact that he handled Thanksgiving so well is a huge positive. Just be present. He'll let you know if he needs your support as all of us are different. I personally don't want to talk to my DH about my difficult mother at all as his "advice" is completely useless at best and irritating at worst.

Anonymous wrote:People with happy families sometimes want to fix unhappy ones. Actually with an unhappy family, separation IS the happier choice.
It's a relief not to have drama trauma on a holiday.
Yes it's wistful wishing for those idealized holidays that never actually were, or remembering a few happy things, but each year will be better.
Never saw my mother the last 5 years of her life.

I definitely don’t want to “fix” anything; the peace has been a blessing! But I would be remiss to say I don’t notice it affects my husband, and to want to support him emotionally.

OP

Move on.
Create your own new memories and plans for the holidays.

People with happy families sometimes want to fix unhappy ones. Actually with an unhappy family, separation IS the happier choice.
It's a relief not to have drama trauma on a holiday.
Yes it's wistful wishing for those idealized holidays that never actually were, or remembering a few happy things, but each year will be better.
Never saw my mother the last 5 years of her life.

Anonymous wrote:My advice, don’t bring it up. He knows you know why he’s upset, and he also knows there is nothing that can be done about it, it’s just sad. So just be there. When you notice he looks melancholy, offer a quick kiss and shoulder rub, if that’s your thing. Just silent acknowledgment that he is loved HERE, and that it will be ok.

This is good advice

Follow his lead and accept that he will be sad. You're not ignoring it. You've talked about it plenty.

It seems like you have your own feelings of wanting to fix this, finding it awkward, etc. Make a real effort to accept that he needs to be sad, and don't make your awkwardness his problem.

Just stay out of it. He’s a big boy. He’s already decided he doesn’t need his mommy. You don’t need to sub in.

My advice, don’t bring it up. He knows you know why he’s upset, and he also knows there is nothing that can be done about it, it’s just sad. So just be there. When you notice he looks melancholy, offer a quick kiss and shoulder rub, if that’s your thing. Just silent acknowledgment that he is loved HERE, and that it will be ok.

My husband has become low-contact with his parents within the past year (narcissistic mother, enabling father). We’ve been married almost 20 years, and while this has been a long time coming, the past year has still been emotionally difficult for him.

They didn’t speak on Thanksgiving. Around midnight, my MIL sent a brief “Happy Thanksgiving” text; he replied “Happy Thanksgiving,” and there’s been no contact since. He handled the day well outwardly, but I could tell it affected him. He seemed down for a day or two and then rallied.

This will be the first Christmas we won’t see his parents at all. Christmas has always been the holiday in his family, so I expect it may hit harder than Thanksgiving. I’m also trying to balance being present and joyful with my own family while being mindful that his family relationships are, for lack of a better word, fractured.

For those who’ve been through something similar, what actually helps? I don’t want to ignore the situation, but I also don’t want to keep dragging it into the foreground if he’s trying to manage it internally. Is it best to let him set the tone and simply be available? To check in directly? To focus on creating a calm, positive holiday and follow his lead?

I’m not treating him like he’s fragile, I just want to be a supportive spouse and would appreciate any perspective from people who’ve navigated this.