Anonymous wrote:What would happen if you ignore him? Just don’t restart it? Just because he requests the therapy be restarted doesn’t mean you have to do it if you don’t agree. He’s welcome to make all of the arrangements but it sounds like you aren’t on board with it.

I’ve had to coordinate everything our entire marriage. I had a lot of resentment but realize I also want some control and DH isn’t great at it. Lately he’s been throwing around restarting therapy with one of our teens, with no acknowledgment of the history of therapy or what any of us have tried. Then I’ve put it back on him. He can arrange anything he wants. Because he won’t.

For this specific issue it’s incredibly hard to find someone who is the right fit. We had major set backs when DC was younger and a therapist pushed too hard and inappropriately. We had to take a break and switch providers and it was a hard time. But no he’s definitely not going to set anything up or take DC even if he did. So it feels like he’s my boss giving me orders for something he absolutely will not do himself. I once put him in charge of regular well visits for the kids and he just didn’t make them for months and months and I finally broke down and did it 4 months late and learned my lesson that he’s just not going to do these things, even if he says he will.

OP here and I appreciate all the responses. We struggle with the same things as many other families with uneven division of mental load but the things that we deal with are really challenging and emotional. I think it’s bad dynamic when I’m always the one actually dealing with everything, and when we try and have a conversation he’s so out of the loop it’s very unhelpful and I have to spend time explaining why we can’t snap our fingers and make X happen or if we do something for either this child or a sibling will have to go. The worst is the minimizing and constantly telling me I am too upset I think. Last night he took me I only felt the way I felt because I was tired and he didn’t trust me to email the IEP team because I would be rude, despite agreeing that there was a specific issue we needed to deal with. That really hurt because I work really hard to politely and clearly advocate for my kids, and I have done so for YEARS without being rude. He said it in front of one of our kids too who seemed really shocked by the idea I would be rude to a staff member. I am just so frustrated right now.

I don't think I have room to advise, as I 've struggled with similar things with DH. Fortunately we've finally come around to a place where he is for once more involved and cooperative, but it took our child getting to a point where they were very obviously struggling. That was when he finally stepped up.

I think some PP's good advice, and I will just add, I found it helpful to start just making sure that DH went to all of the appointments with me- pediatrician, specialists, counselor, teachers, so he wasn't just hearing it from me. I found his constant blowing off of my concerns and questioning external advice really demoralizing and exhausting. But as the primary parent that had usually taken all of those responsibilities, he was only hearing it filtered through me. And it created this dynamic where he was more aligned with our child who was in denial, and resistant to any need for intervention.

What would happen if you ignore him? Just don’t restart it? Just because he requests the therapy be restarted doesn’t mean you have to do it if you don’t agree. He’s welcome to make all of the arrangements but it sounds like you aren’t on board with it.

I’ve had to coordinate everything our entire marriage. I had a lot of resentment but realize I also want some control and DH isn’t great at it. Lately he’s been throwing around restarting therapy with one of our teens, with no acknowledgment of the history of therapy or what any of us have tried. Then I’ve put it back on him. He can arrange anything he wants. Because he won’t.

Op, the o ly way yo feel less stressed is to accept your situation with DH. If you keep expecting something from him he’s not willing to give, it just ends up hurting you and building your resentment.
You are doing a great job! Trust yourself- you don’t need DH’s input. You won’t screw it up. Your kid is lucky to have you.
As for DH, think about the positives he does bring to the table.
As for overwhelm and no time, what else can you outsource to DH or to someone else? Dishes, laundry, errands, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. think of some big chunk like these that you can stop doing. I stopped doing dishes and DH just started doing it and I never touch a dish now because if I do, he thinks it’s a “shared” chore and pulls way back. If I don’t touch a dish, he just does them w/o complaining. He does most of the grocery shopping too, and some laundry too. .

I went through a period where I was really mad at DH for his lack of attention and effort wrt DC's therapy needs and denial that they were necessary. We had a couple of big fights and I was quite transparent that I was absolutely livid with him.

Things are better now. Probably mainly because DC is in a stable place with providers that are a good fit and DH understands that they are necessary. But also because DH has stepped up in other areas. Recently DC needed a tutor and I arranged that and I deal with the tutor, but DH does a lot of cooking,.
housework, and childcare.

Anyway that is a rambling way to say that I can relate and have been there and may very well be there again. I do think a good come to Jesus talk with your DH can help if you haven't already done that, but it won't be a complete or permanent fix.

OP here: he’s entitled to an opinion but not to give me a task that he has no intention of helping with or act like something that’s a huge lift is nbd and I am handling things badly because I am stressed about it. This is someone who regularly is stressed to this level and more by their own work. I also work and had agreed to take on a little more responsibility when I thought things were pretty stable. I may have to see if I can walk it back.

It’s not that we aren’t seeing progress this particular week, it’s more along the lines that I became aware that some of that progress I had believed in was not real and also DC was further behind their peers than I even thought. Forgive me for being vague but we have a couple fairly unusual diagnoses in our family so it’s hard to explain. Kids are not old enough to give much feedback on what helps and are in complete denial about the extent of this particular issue. But otherwise very wonderful kids, just in need of a lot of specialized and hard to find support.

Are you sure you want to alter your approach after one week with steps back? If progress has been happening, then why not contour with what you are doing? Not every week will be the best week but changing therapies or plans based on one week without progress seems extreme.

How old are the kids? Are they old enough to tell you what’s helpful and what isn’t? It sounds like less might be better if they are over scheduled to the point that it is causing you this much stress. And if you aren’t seeing a lot of gains from specific therapies.

I know better than my husband what works and doesn’t work and what we should do. Not because I’m smarter or a better person. Only because I’ve done the research, I’ve talked the professionals, read the books. And I’ve resigned myself to being that person. So, when he starts injecting himself to the point where it’s not helpful, adding stress, etc, I politely give him the books he needs to read and the professionals he should talk to first. I give him a deadline and say-let’s discuss at that time. That seems to work. And, for the record-my husband is awesome and involved and helpful in so many ways. I think that giving opinions even if he doesn’t have the background knowledge is his way of trying to manage his own anxiety about our special needs kid so I do try to give him grace while doing things that need to be done

What helped for me is to realize I don’t control outcomes. I only control what I put in. It really minimized the stress for me to reframe. And I also can’t control what someone else invests. I came to peace when I realized that I would have to figure everything out (and frankly my spouse isn’t good help anyway because they are just not good at this aspect of parenting) but that my spouse never complained about the time or money I spent.

I am not going to live life being miserable or stressed and miss out on the good times because of things I can’t change. But it was a process to get the right spin for me to let go of the stress.

I Hope you figure out things for your
Kids.

I thought we had reached good places with both kids but this week had big steps back for both of them. One I am still processing and so so stressed about. I am not sleeping well and really struggling with what to do next. My spouse is constantly annoyed at me for being stressed. He routinely says things like ok well then we just restart x therapy (which was always an imperfect fit, which is why we stopped along with our provider no longer being appropriate for DCs age, so we would need to find someone new which is not easy for this type of very specific therapy) and when we are already completely at capacity with therapies and activities so if we do decide to restart something else will have to go. There is just no other way. Everything at this point is trade offs and in some ways my DC gets more from their main activity than their current therapy.

I am so tired of having to figure this all out alone and be told I’m crazy to be worrying so much. I am hitting perimenopause and I just don’t function as full on as I used to when DC was going through their major crisis. I honestly don’t know what to do to not feel so alone and overloaded. Every time I cut back at work my husband just sees it as permission to be less involved and work more. I am considering trying to do it without telling him somehow.

I am always so emotionally overwhelmed when trying to talk through options with him that I don’t do a good job expressing myself about how annoying it is to be told don’t worry it will all work out when it always works out because I spend hours figuring out what to do, finding the provider/dealing with the school and then implementing the fix (therapy, work at home, whatever). I guess I will try to express that at some point but what I really want to say is I would be a lot less stressed if I had a partner on this instead of someone who seems determined to ignore and minimize our kids problems and what it takes to address them. I also feel like I desperately need someone to be involved enough to tell if we need to change our parenting and if I am being unreasonable with my expectations as our child gets closer to adolescence. We used to have a therapist that was really good at that and honestly filled that role but she moved and our new provider just does not provide that.

This is mostly a vent. Now that I am up for the day and caffeinated I can believe I will somehow figure this out again, like I have every other time.