Anonymous wrote:Why are you going out of your way to coordinate a visit for someone who doesn’t treat you well? I think I’d do nothing at this point. If she coordinates with DH and he doesn’t let you know and it doesn’t work out well just tell SIL you didn’t know the plans so you couldn’t work around her. If she doesn’t plan anything with DH, easy enough. If she doesn’t come which ultimately makes your life easier.

This. Share the family events calendar in the kitchen so that your husband can see it. If your SIL happens to arrive just as you’re going out the door to the Pierpont’s open house, oh well. Tell her you’ll be back in a couple of hours.

Another poster said that OP should keep the guest room ready. I wouldn’t even go that far. DH can handle that since he’s the one arranging when the SIL is visiting. Let him pull the towels and make the bed.

Getting frustrated and attempting to manage everything is a choice, OP. As they like to say here on DCUM: DROP THE ROPE.

Sounds like SIL tells DH she’s coming but doesn’t give any details? And DH doesn’t push for details and doesn’t see the problem?

My guess is that when SIL does show up, if there’s a conflict, OP’s husband will choose SIL over the prior engagement. Ex. He will skip a party, so OP then has to go alone or also miss it.

People who visit and don’t provide more info are annoying and make it hard to plan and host. OP, in your shoes I’d just make sure the guest room is ready (if you have one) and then otherwise leave all SIL-related planning and work to your DH. Like PPs, siblings often only communicate with their siblings, not siblings-in-law, about visits. The problem is she doesn’t provide details and your DH doesn’t push for details, or he doesn’t convey them to you.

I would let your DH deal with her. This is quite rude.

I’m getting the impression that you’re being the petty and over-sensitive one. Your husband is probably tired of the drama and is relaying as little as possible.

Why are you going out of your way to coordinate a visit for someone who doesn’t treat you well? I think I’d do nothing at this point. If she coordinates with DH and he doesn’t let you know and it doesn’t work out well just tell SIL you didn’t know the plans so you couldn’t work around her. If she doesn’t plan anything with DH, easy enough. If she doesn’t come which ultimately makes your life easier.

Anonymous wrote:Call her

Ask her what her plans are?

Why is this hard to do?

This. She probably assumes her brother would tell you: Suzy called and she’s coming. She probably did not envision that she needs to send separate communications to each of you. She assumes the two of you communicate. When we have someone from my family visiting, they tell me, they don’t call DH. I tell dh, my sister or cousin or cousin’s neighbor are visiting us. Or I tell them let me check the dates with DH to make sure we’re around and tell you. Same with his side of the family, they tell him.

We do not expect the family or friends to check with each of us individually.

Text thread with both sibling and in law is not hard, why isn’t this being done? I send a group thread to both my daughter and her spouse when discussing plans. Everyone responds at their level, this isn’t hard. Agree it’s a husband problem. Family dynamics are hard to change when you want to, impossible when you don’t

Why don’t your husband tell you if he knows? I mean it’s sort of weird that you expect double notification. It should be fine for your SIL to tell her brother and expect he’d tell you.

That's frustrating. At this point, I would go over his head and send SIL a friendly note that basically says "we're really looking forward to seeing you," lists all of your prior commitments, and asks what her plans are for her visit.

It won't stop her from talking behind your back, but you get to check off the "I did the what I can do about it box" and move on.

You have a horrible husband.

He allows his sister to talk about you behind your back, unchecked.

He doesn’t communicate what he discusses with his sister, as far as making plans with you, in an open manner where you get a say before things are finalized.

All that being said, don’t be the “I have to know about plans NOW” type. So annoying. Make your own plans and if her visiting works into them, great, if not, oh well we’re already committed to this party on this night or whatever.

Call her

Ask her what her plans are?

Why is this hard to do?

Anonymous wrote:I often communicate directly with my brother about plans. I have a good relationship with SIL.
My husband’s sister usually communicates directly with him. I have a good relationship with this SIL also.

If DH wants to entertain SIL than I don’t see a problem with it. You both should figure out a compromise in your current family plans. Life doesn’t need to be difficult unless you make it difficult.

You're ignoring a good part of op's post. Sil doesn't like her and makes it clear. No one I know would tolerate this type of behavior. No one comes to my house and treats me as less than.

I often communicate directly with my brother about plans. I have a good relationship with SIL.
My husband’s sister usually communicates directly with him. I have a good relationship with this SIL also.

If DH wants to entertain SIL than I don’t see a problem with it. You both should figure out a compromise in your current family plans. Life doesn’t need to be difficult unless you make it difficult.

OK so just go to your parties and do whatever you want. DH can host her if he’s not interested in sharing information with you.

If the information SIL shares with DH doesn’t get communicated to you in the context of a conversation where you both get a say in what happens, guess what I’m going to say next? Want to say it with me?

You don’t have a SIL problem; you have a DH problem.

SIL is coming for Christmas but only tells my DH her plans. We have parties, things to do and plans of our own. I asked her right after Thanksgiving when she planned to visit and heard nothing. This is always her SOP - wait til the last minute and doesn’t include me. Is it out of line for me to want to know her plans? It makes me feel like an outsider I. My own family. This isn’t the only issue - she is friendly to my face but talks either my husband about me behind my back and YES I’ve had countless fights and conversation with DH that he needs to do a better job of having my back. I just find her behavior so rude. FWIW she’s single no kids baby if the family.