Anonymous
12/09/2025 20:16
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
She has her mental health back on track, is living with a (hopefully) decent partner who appears to be career focused, and has a full time job. Sounds like things have actually gone pretty well considering at one point her mental heath issues were bad enough for her to drop out of college.
Support her in finding out what she wants to accomplish. Does she want to go back to school and pivot careers? Is she planning on any next steps with her partner (marriage/kids?). What does she want that she doesn’t have?
Support her in finding out what she wants to accomplish. Does she want to go back to school and pivot careers? Is she planning on any next steps with her partner (marriage/kids?). What does she want that she doesn’t have?
Anonymous
12/09/2025 19:49
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Eh you kind of failed her. And you’re judging her.
Honestly, at this point, pony up some big money for the wedding to the doctor, it’s her best prospect.
Honestly, at this point, pony up some big money for the wedding to the doctor, it’s her best prospect.
Anonymous
12/09/2025 15:43
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
I'm impressed that she is so candid with you, I dont see her life as failing at all. She sounds so hard on herself, I hope she can find acceptance and joy, her time to shine might come later or she could be working towards something great without realizing it. Its probably a feeling that intensifies and ebbs with hormonal changes but at least she has a supportive family.
Anonymous
12/09/2025 15:32
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Yes to the tell her the job and salary aren't measure of anyone. Tell her she's worthy and valuable and smart and the best daughter you could ask for. Tell her she's enough, more than enough. Maybe write her a letter praising her on who she is as a person so she can see it when she lacks confidence; or you could write a letter to each other. I also believe (even irregular) volunteer work can give people a sense of worth and find their passions in life, whether it's caring for animals, theatre. or something else.
Anonymous
12/09/2025 15:29
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My 34 year old daughter has struggled with self confidence issues for much of her life. She never finished college due to struggles with depression, anxiety and what I suspect was misuse of one of her medications. Her father and I likely had some part to play in her early failures as I suspect we were both in some denial. She was a mostly B student at a difficult college prep school, yet failed almost all of her college courses.
I recall her coming to use in high school claiming that she wasn’t ready for college, but we both just brushed it aside and felt she was being “difficult.”
Now, here we are all these years later and while she is employed, she only makes $52,000 a year and has never fully reached her potential in life.
She came to my husband the other week and expressed to him how much guilt she holds over her failures and not living up to our expectations.
We still help her pay for things as I don’t think she could support herself without some assistance. She lives with her partner, who recently graduated from med school and prior to that was living in an apartment that she rented from us (we purchased it as an investment property)
I’m struggling to know when enough is enough when it comes to support. We have the means to do it, which is why we still do. She has a job, she’s not living at home and she mostly has her mental health back in order…but financially and career wise she is struggling while watching the girls she went to highschool with in our small town flourish.
I guess I’m not entirely sure what my question is - just seeking to learn from others who maybe have been through something similar
Read your own post, OP, and see if you can spot where it all went wrong. Hint -- you saying that she has never fully reached her potential in life, and her coming to your husband and telling her how badly she feels about not living up to your expectations. Why have you created such a toxic situation for your daughter?
+1. OP -- you didn't mention what your daughter's expectations of her own life are anywhere in your post. Do you even know what they are? Or do you only know what your expectations are, and how she hasn't fulfilled them?
Anonymous
12/09/2025 15:27
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:My 34 year old daughter has struggled with self confidence issues for much of her life. She never finished college due to struggles with depression, anxiety and what I suspect was misuse of one of her medications. Her father and I likely had some part to play in her early failures as I suspect we were both in some denial. She was a mostly B student at a difficult college prep school, yet failed almost all of her college courses.
I recall her coming to use in high school claiming that she wasn’t ready for college, but we both just brushed it aside and felt she was being “difficult.”
Now, here we are all these years later and while she is employed, she only makes $52,000 a year and has never fully reached her potential in life.
She came to my husband the other week and expressed to him how much guilt she holds over her failures and not living up to our expectations.
We still help her pay for things as I don’t think she could support herself without some assistance. She lives with her partner, who recently graduated from med school and prior to that was living in an apartment that she rented from us (we purchased it as an investment property)
I’m struggling to know when enough is enough when it comes to support. We have the means to do it, which is why we still do. She has a job, she’s not living at home and she mostly has her mental health back in order…but financially and career wise she is struggling while watching the girls she went to highschool with in our small town flourish.
I guess I’m not entirely sure what my question is - just seeking to learn from others who maybe have been through something similar
Read your own post, OP, and see if you can spot where it all went wrong. Hint -- you saying that she has never fully reached her potential in life, and her coming to your husband and telling her how badly she feels about not living up to your expectations. Why have you created such a toxic situation for your daughter?
Anonymous
12/09/2025 15:24
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
She's very successful actually. She has an actual JOB. She is self-aware. She has a stable relationship with a productive adult.
I hope she gets married to her partner. There is nothing wrong with being a terrific wife and mother, OP. I know it's better for all adults to have their own source of income, in case something goes wrong, but realistically, there are still plenty of women who focus on their household and men who earn income for both of them. Maybe this is a dual-women household? But still, one can still earn and the other can stay home, or have the lower-paying job.
Please express your support and encouragement, and tell her that the job title and salary isn't the full measure of anyone!
I hope she gets married to her partner. There is nothing wrong with being a terrific wife and mother, OP. I know it's better for all adults to have their own source of income, in case something goes wrong, but realistically, there are still plenty of women who focus on their household and men who earn income for both of them. Maybe this is a dual-women household? But still, one can still earn and the other can stay home, or have the lower-paying job.
Please express your support and encouragement, and tell her that the job title and salary isn't the full measure of anyone!
Anonymous
12/09/2025 15:18
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:My 34 year old daughter has struggled with self confidence issues for much of her life. She never finished college due to struggles with depression, anxiety and what I suspect was misuse of one of her medications. Her father and I likely had some part to play in her early failures as I suspect we were both in some denial. She was a mostly B student at a difficult college prep school, yet failed almost all of her college courses.
I recall her coming to use in high school claiming that she wasn’t ready for college, but we both just brushed it aside and felt she was being “difficult.”
Now, here we are all these years later and while she is employed, she only makes $52,000 a year and has never fully reached her potential in life.
She came to my husband the other week and expressed to him how much guilt she holds over her failures and not living up to our expectations.
We still help her pay for things as I don’t think she could support herself without some assistance. She lives with her partner, who recently graduated from med school and prior to that was living in an apartment that she rented from us (we purchased it as an investment property)
I’m struggling to know when enough is enough when it comes to support. We have the means to do it, which is why we still do. She has a job, she’s not living at home and she mostly has her mental health back in order…but financially and career wise she is struggling while watching the girls she went to highschool with in our small town flourish.
I guess I’m not entirely sure what my question is - just seeking to learn from others who maybe have been through something similar
Surely she's matured. It's not too late to go back to school and try to complete her degree, even if it's baby steps at community college. Does her employer offer tuition assistance? If her partner just graduated from med school, money's going to be tight for a while, maybe 7-10 years.
Point is, she can try to better herself and improve her lot in life, still. Encourage her to do that and try to put financial support behind that effort. Especially if you didn't have to pay for four years of college.
Anonymous
12/09/2025 15:15
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:My 34 year old daughter has struggled with self confidence issues for much of her life. She never finished college due to struggles with depression, anxiety and what I suspect was misuse of one of her medications. Her father and I likely had some part to play in her early failures as I suspect we were both in some denial. She was a mostly B student at a difficult college prep school, yet failed almost all of her college courses.
I recall her coming to use in high school claiming that she wasn’t ready for college, but we both just brushed it aside and felt she was being “difficult.”
Now, here we are all these years later and while she is employed, she only makes $52,000 a year and has never fully reached her potential in life.
She came to my husband the other week and expressed to him how much guilt she holds over her failures and not living up to our expectations.
We still help her pay for things as I don’t think she could support herself without some assistance. She lives with her partner, who recently graduated from med school and prior to that was living in an apartment that she rented from us (we purchased it as an investment property)
I’m struggling to know when enough is enough when it comes to support. We have the means to do it, which is why we still do. She has a job, she’s not living at home and she mostly has her mental health back in order…but financially and career wise she is struggling while watching the girls she went to highschool with in our small town flourish.
I guess I’m not entirely sure what my question is - just seeking to learn from others who maybe have been through something similar
Stop putting her down. Be an uplifting parent and a "cheerleader". Nothing worse that knowing you're not good enough in the eyes of your parents.
Also, lot's of people make 50K especially women. How is she a failure?
Anonymous
12/09/2025 14:46
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Stop paying her bills. She isn’t independent and that’s why she feels bad - she knows she should be.
Only exception is to pay for more classes/school etc to get a new career or new skills.
Only exception is to pay for more classes/school etc to get a new career or new skills.
Anonymous
12/09/2025 14:42
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
She's doing better than the black sheep I know.
For example, my uncle's 80-ish, dropped out of an Ivy. Ivy parents and only other sibling who went to the same Ivy. Outwardly nothing's wrong with him. He just seems charming and lazy. (It's possible he had an undiagnosed ND issue.)
In his late 60s he had to go to work at a nursing home because he didn't have enough paid-on-the books quarters to be eligible for Social Security. I think I achieved that milestone in my 20s. He alternated living with parents and freeloading off wealthy friends until he received his inheritance. The inheritance lasted for about 20 years. Then he had to rely on government benefit payments.
Earning a salary and having a decent partner is enough to build a life around. I would suggest helping with career counseling and somewhat lowering your expectations.
If your child decides to become a parent, there's a chance that could help. Because caring for others can be a source of fulfillment beyond traditional measures of success.
For example, my uncle's 80-ish, dropped out of an Ivy. Ivy parents and only other sibling who went to the same Ivy. Outwardly nothing's wrong with him. He just seems charming and lazy. (It's possible he had an undiagnosed ND issue.)
In his late 60s he had to go to work at a nursing home because he didn't have enough paid-on-the books quarters to be eligible for Social Security. I think I achieved that milestone in my 20s. He alternated living with parents and freeloading off wealthy friends until he received his inheritance. The inheritance lasted for about 20 years. Then he had to rely on government benefit payments.
Earning a salary and having a decent partner is enough to build a life around. I would suggest helping with career counseling and somewhat lowering your expectations.
If your child decides to become a parent, there's a chance that could help. Because caring for others can be a source of fulfillment beyond traditional measures of success.
Anonymous
12/09/2025 14:34
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
What are you paying for? Since you are paying for X, what would be her motivation to make more $? The worrying concern is if she breaks her boyfriend, what would she do?
Anonymous
12/09/2025 13:07
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
I don't think your dd is a failure. In fact I've never made as much as your dd and I've never been a failure. Had no support from parents ever but got cheap housing, met dh who makes plenty of money (we met young and he did not at the time, I paid for things) Now I work FT, make little but have great health insurance for our family through my job. Most importantly, I feel fulfilled and happy and secure. Sounds like your dd has a good partner, a stable job. There might be too much pressure on your part to make success about income and falling short of YOUR expectations rather than just about her actual successes. You should be encouraging her and validating her rather than encouraging unhelpful comparisons.
Anonymous
12/09/2025 13:05
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Just be a cheerleader. I suspect that's basically what people want from their parents their entire lives.
She's so young. She can change her life. Your thinking this makes it seem like you believe her. She has a job and is in a (good?) relationship.
She's so young. She can change her life. Your thinking this makes it seem like you believe her. She has a job and is in a (good?) relationship.
Anonymous
12/09/2025 13:01
Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
My 34 year old daughter has struggled with self confidence issues for much of her life. She never finished college due to struggles with depression, anxiety and what I suspect was misuse of one of her medications. Her father and I likely had some part to play in her early failures as I suspect we were both in some denial. She was a mostly B student at a difficult college prep school, yet failed almost all of her college courses.
I recall her coming to use in high school claiming that she wasn’t ready for college, but we both just brushed it aside and felt she was being “difficult.”
Now, here we are all these years later and while she is employed, she only makes $52,000 a year and has never fully reached her potential in life.
She came to my husband the other week and expressed to him how much guilt she holds over her failures and not living up to our expectations.
We still help her pay for things as I don’t think she could support herself without some assistance. She lives with her partner, who recently graduated from med school and prior to that was living in an apartment that she rented from us (we purchased it as an investment property)
I’m struggling to know when enough is enough when it comes to support. We have the means to do it, which is why we still do. She has a job, she’s not living at home and she mostly has her mental health back in order…but financially and career wise she is struggling while watching the girls she went to highschool with in our small town flourish.
I guess I’m not entirely sure what my question is - just seeking to learn from others who maybe have been through something similar
I recall her coming to use in high school claiming that she wasn’t ready for college, but we both just brushed it aside and felt she was being “difficult.”
Now, here we are all these years later and while she is employed, she only makes $52,000 a year and has never fully reached her potential in life.
She came to my husband the other week and expressed to him how much guilt she holds over her failures and not living up to our expectations.
We still help her pay for things as I don’t think she could support herself without some assistance. She lives with her partner, who recently graduated from med school and prior to that was living in an apartment that she rented from us (we purchased it as an investment property)
I’m struggling to know when enough is enough when it comes to support. We have the means to do it, which is why we still do. She has a job, she’s not living at home and she mostly has her mental health back in order…but financially and career wise she is struggling while watching the girls she went to highschool with in our small town flourish.
I guess I’m not entirely sure what my question is - just seeking to learn from others who maybe have been through something similar