Anonymous wrote:We live a similar life and I know this sounds crazy but I just accepted it will never get better to try to recognize every tiny moment of good there is.

I am still exhausted and carrying way too heavy a load but my coffee is hot and I hear my husbands heartbeat when I lay my head on his chest and after all this we are still here - broken but together and that counts. It really counts. Even if it is not everything.

This is lovely. Thank you, pp, for expressing how I feel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does not sound like divorce would make your lives any easier or better. I hope things improve for you.

This is my take. A recent couple of friends .. watching them divorce.. it adds a massive layer of extra communication, difficult communication. It has added to their worsening life.

For a SN kid, I think you stay in the marriage. How will you coordinate on complicated issues at a distance? 2 houses for the child to need 2 sets of supplies.

+1. NP here with an extremely challenging SN adult child. We have been doing this marathon together for over 30 years. The only way we have been able to afford to save for retirement and meet our other ongoing expenses is by staying together and sharing the load.

Also BTDT. Violent kid with terrible mental health issues that were out of control for about a decade or so and before that other disabilities. It is so hard when you’re Going through it and so many days are about survival.

End of the story is that we stayed together and we rebuilt our relationship when time and circumstances permitted. My spouse is a really good person and really supported our son. So much of the time it felt like we were living parallel lives and our coupleness was gone, but because we were both there, we could both live our lives instead of having to always be present for our kids. Neither of us had to step back from our careers which are really important to us because we both stepped in when it was needed. And we could give each other breaks when we were totally spent.

Covid brought home just how important having another adult present was. I had to move with our kids to our other house because spouse worked in healthcare. I spent almost two months straight all alone trying to survive a seriously mentally ill violent child while not letting our other kids fall apart. Any thoughts I might have had about wishing for romance and that the grass might be greener were gone after that. I just wanted help and I wanted it from the only other person who loved our child.

Anyway, now that we’re past the worst and have time for each other, we remember why we wanted to be together in the first place. We spend most of our free time together because we’re pretty much each other’s favorite people and we Plan for it to stay that way. And we have this deep connection from having parented though terribly difficult situation for a decade of our lives, resulting in all of our kids being successful. I don’t think I will ever connect like this with someone else. No regrets for sticking it out and really happy with how things are now.

BTDT. Once exDH and I split, life actually became much easier. We now had defined time “off”. When we were exhausted we were only responsible for ourselves. If I wanted to veg on the couch silently, I could. No one was trying to engage with me. I felt that I finally had time for myself. When the kids were with their dad, I could go to the movies or out to dinner without feeling guilty. DD is the older child and we gave her the option of going to the same house as her brother or staying with the other parent. She did both depending on how she was feeling. When she got to HS, she asked to go to boarding school. It was a great experience for her and gave her the opportunity to have a somewhat normal teenagehood.

ExDH and I are still friends. In different circumstances, we both might have tried to make it work. We were both just so mentally and physically exhausted.

DS is now 15 and has been in a therapeutic school for 6 yrs. Life is so much better. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really hard. Be kind to yourself.

Anonymous wrote:It does not sound like divorce would make your lives any easier or better. I hope things improve for you.

This is my take. A recent couple of friends .. watching them divorce.. it adds a massive layer of extra communication, difficult communication. It has added to their worsening life.

For a SN kid, I think you stay in the marriage. How will you coordinate on complicated issues at a distance? 2 houses for the child to need 2 sets of supplies.

We live a similar life and I know this sounds crazy but I just accepted it will never get better to try to recognize every tiny moment of good there is.

I am still exhausted and carrying way too heavy a load but my coffee is hot and I hear my husbands heartbeat when I lay my head on his chest and after all this we are still here - broken but together and that counts. It really counts. Even if it is not everything.

We are going through this too and I don’t want to put too many details. We’ve openly discussed separating and divorce but always come back to staying together. Our situations are similar except kids are older.

I think if it as a marathon. Maybe we will reconnect when they go to college. Maybe we won’t. Like you, there is no romantic anything but things generally are cordial. Neither of us are seeking affairs.

So, for now, I am dealing by having my own separate social life when I can. Just little things with I can like dinner with my friends. DH and I don't even do those things anymore. He does the same. We don’t often but we basically have different lives and the other one is home with the kids.

It might be a bandwidth issue. Divorce would not help that and would even make it worse. Relationships can have phases and for parents of SN children, the intense parenting phase is longer and more intense and that does not help the couple aspect of the parental relationship.

What helped us maintain a connection (not necessarily romantic at times) was to do something together- as close to daily as possible. Just 15-20 minutes - for a while it was Yahtzee at the kitchen table after dinner was cleaned up. Our children were in the room working independently. Then we moved to other games. Going for a walk around the block was beneficial too, but I don’t know if that is feasible for you- either just the two of you or with your son coming along.

This is a really difficult situation. My husband and I went through a similar phase. So I tend to think of marriage as having eras if you will.

When home life is incredibly difficult, having work that you deeply care about can be really helpful in keeping you feeling like a functioning human being in 1 front. We have had personal health issues in addition to our neurodiverse kids, so we have had caring roommate phases, and even 1 phase where I quit my job to prioritize kid stuff in high school.

Throughout our focus remains on supporting our kids to the best of our ability. I recognize this isn’t ideal personally, but we can live with it. We are also really good friends and we like hearing about each other’s work. For now that is enough.

Good luck figuring out what works for you. I have found that a therapist for me is more helpful than hanging out too much with my friends who are divorcing. Their lives are very different than mine at home.

You can easily live on $300K each and keep the nanny. It comes down to are you willing ot work on your marriage.

It sounds like the marriage is worth staying in - it provides the resources to support your children and your careers. While you are very different, it doesn't sound like it's toxic (from what you've told us). It sounds like the toll is heavy, but maybe you can find ways to make space for each of you individually to have weekly recharge time/activities (whether it be the gym, friends) and then small things to enjoy together as a couple and family.

$600k is solidly upper class even in the DMV.

I am so sorry OP. What a challenging situation.It sounds like you actually have a good marriage despite this. It isn’t what you dreamed of, but what I read sounds like a decent foundation. I also have to say you lucked out with the nanny. I have so much empathy for you. I may be missing something with your marriage, but what I read sounds good considering what you face.

It does not sound like divorce would make your lives any easier or better. I hope things improve for you.

After reading posts on the regular forums, I have to admit after years with an ASD aggressive child and DH and I trying each to work together and then to survive, things are on edge. Together we can afford specific child care with a nanny who has always known DS, now 12, and can coordinate services for him. We are UMC for DC ($600k HHI) and if we split into two houses it would come apart and our NT DD would also suffer. I feel like life is different in this situation where DS is so not adaptable and also has things that are working for him. It's also the case that our childcare situation is uniquely challenging and different than other cases -- most of my colleagues have no idea why we can't just leave DS at home or get a babysitter, when the reality is he is aggressive and we are insanely lucky to be able to keep a 1-1 aide at school for him. That said, DH and I are cordial at best and just worn out. the idea of real affection is a distant dream for me but I realize that chasing that would be horrible for my kids. DH is a truly good person, and he sees that too. We are both just at the ends of our ropes. We are really different people and yes it would be ideal if we also remained affectionate, but we are both really, really tired and also have big dreams as people that I think we each are holding onto in the sh*tshow of our daily life. It's hard to reconcile being beat up at home by a child with major health issues (so yes, it isn't as dangerous as it could be) and then go to work and lead major initiatives for the public good. DH is in his own position similarly.

I'm curious how you are dealing with this situation as a couple and if you have advice. Feel free to judge but keep in mind you haven't walked in our shoes and I probably haven't walked in yours. thank you for any kindness or wisdom.