My niece hangs out at her BF's home without him all the time but they've been together since freshman year and live together. His parents live nearby and hers live in another state. She took a job in his town. She doesn't know many people there so if he is traveling, she often hangs out with his family. They seem to enjoy having her around.

You handled it well. You aren't trying to control her life, you are trying to control your own home and family life. You and rest of the family have a right to relax without uninvited company.

When I read this kid came to your home without your DD, I thought, "This is odd." The young man needs very clear boundaries. I would not give him a Christmas gift no matter how small.

OP, it sounds like you handled it completely appropriately. As others mentioned, your daughter is an adult and it’s hard to see adult children in lees than desirable relationships. I went through this with my own son. You are correct in not alienating her, especially in this situation. You don’t mention her career path, but hopefully her degree will take on a path away from the boyfriend. Best of luck!

We are good at setting firm boundaries. That guy would not be welcome at our home when our DD wasn’t here. And then we wouldn’t answer the door after that. We’d have had no problem saying “Chadles, you’ve been here all afternoon, it’s time for you to go home now.”

And we’d each give our DD some big talks about abuse, alienating, and the savior complex.

He thinks she has good earning potential. And you are a backup ATM. Mental health issues, drug use, credit card debt, uncertain career or earning prospects...but good looking.
She thinks he's a catch, huh?

Your daughter is an adult and this is the guy she wants and the kind of behaviour she clearly wants to continue as she is staying with him. Women are capable of assessing their own situation and making their own decisions. They aren’t passive participants in life. Assuming she is competent then she has thought it through and has decided she wants to be with him.

You can set your own boundaries when it comes to your home and how often you need to see him but your daughter isn’t a child. She is making an informed choice. This is who she wants to be with.

OP here - here's the update. Overall DD took things fairly well (I asked her to ask BF to spend Christmas Eve/Day with his family this year - they live about 2 hours away). Our conversations were a little rocky at first (she joked about him being exiled) but things are good now, and back to normal. BF is still going to come here after Christmas and I got him a little gift, told my other kids they need to be nice etc. He is clearly important to her, and I'm not trying to break them up despite my concerns, just wanted a little space. As for BFs visits with us when she is not here, that stopped after I said no for staying with us for Christmas Eve/Day. She will be home on break for over a month, so I expect to see him quite a bit during that time. I'm glad I set the boundary for Christmas, and we will see what happens now. And, as to his appeal - he is very tall, good looking and crazy about her - I can see the chemistry, and it seems genuine. He treats her well, always brings gifts and plans fun outings etc. In many ways he is a good BF even though he can be controlling and is not traditionally ambitious. He has a good relationship with his family - he even brought his mother to meet us at our home once and she is very nice (that's another story). Anyway - I'm glad i did what I did. One day at a time.

Any update OP?

What does your daughter see in this guy besides hoping to “save” him? What’s the situation with his family?
Agree continue to set boundaries, especially with your planned Christmas events. It’s a good thing she is pursuing a degree OOS.

Continue w the boundaries.

I’ve not been through it (younger kids than you) but continuing to set boundaries seems what you do. He was inappropriate to come uninvited for Thanksgiving and without the link of your child; I think after that I would’ve had a polite but assertive chat. Imagine your child dumps him - you want to have protections in place so someone mentally unwell would not hurt her or a family member.

My daughter's BF is smothering They have only been dating less than a year, but he is jealous, possessive, gets mad when she is with her friends and he wants to be with her every second they are together. They met locally, shortly before she left for grad school oos. He still lives nearby and comes to our house all the time even when she is not here - bringing food/gifts, wanting to watch Football with us etc. Over Thanksgiving he planted himself here for the whole weekend even though I assumed he would be spending the holiday with his family. We got through it, but it was unsettling for my other kids because they didn't expect him to join us for every single aspect of the weekend. I was so glad when it was all over - and almost immediately my daughter asked if he could spend Xmas with us (his suggestion)- the whole thing - our Christmas Eve gathering with close friends, Christmas day - etc. I said no - that he should go stay with his family this year. I felt a little guilty, but the rest of my family (including myself) would not be cool with him being here. I'm not getting involved with their relationship - she knows my concerns with his mental health history, drug use, credit card debt, lack of a college degree and work ethic. She is a lovely sweet person and has a bit of a savior complex - I think she thinks she can turn him around but so far, not much has changed except he he has becoming increasingly clingy and possessive. I don't think this relationship will last but I want the break up to be her choice and I don't want to drive her away in the meantime - that said the rest of our family needs a break from this guy. This is so weird - hoping to hear how others have handled similar situations. (for context she is 25 and he is 27).