Sounds like you have a good system worked out. Why change?

Anonymous wrote:Say you accept the apology and keep it surface level polite for your dh’s sake. It doesn’t mean you have to forget what she said or think better of her.

This is the way. Keep your distance. Narcissists love to suck you back in. It’s called hoovering.

And good for you for having a good boundary. People like this will suck you back in and then slowly start to repeat their same patterns. It’s ingrained in their DNA.

Good for you for having a husband who sticks up for you though. Don’t listen to the people on this board who are saying you have a husband problem.

Anonymous wrote:Say you accept the apology and keep it surface level polite for your dh’s sake. It doesn’t mean you have to forget what she said or think better of her.

+1.

Anonymous wrote:I've kept my respectful distance from my ILs for 30 years. No regrets.

This. Classy!
Life goes on.

You have a husband problem.

When she’s around or plans to be - can you not make yourself unavailable?

Your husband is an adult and should be able to manage your kids if she wants to visit without you around.

Also, this is your husband’s mother - not yours let him deal with her. You don’t have to.

Seems odd you didn’t know this about your man’s mother before marrying him.

Take the high road and accept her apology. Every time she shows sincere good behavior, welcome it. But you are not obligated to spend more time with her, unless she reforms to a point that you actually enjoy her.

Unless she keeps whining about her apology in which case use the neutral language suggested above, do you even have to mention it?
Deeds not words.
If you want to visit just be neutrally pleasant.

It sounds like your husband is aware that you’re not unreasonable. He made his mother apologize and it seems he’s not criticizing your choices now. Good husbands don’t want their wives mistreated and it sounds like he falls in to that camp.

Say you accept the apology and keep it surface level polite for your dh’s sake. It doesn’t mean you have to forget what she said or think better of her.

OP's husband loves her mother and OP says the MIL is great with her kids.

That's more than enough.

Suck it up, OP.

I commend you for writing a nuanced and balanced account, OP. It's not often we see that on DCUM.

My non-white father endured a distant relationship with my mother's white, racist, and classist parents all their lives because they were well-behaved in company and did not badmouth him, specifically. It was the only way the relationship could work. On the side my grandmother wrote White Supremacist tracts...

Maybe you should have a talk with your husband about it? Sounds like you're both reasonable people. A weekly visit sounds too much, though. Maybe get back in just for the Holidays, at first, and then play it by ear. You're busy, you know.

You can say "thank you for your apology, let's move on from this issue now" and that doesn't mean you ACCEPT her apology and doesn't mean you go back to chatting with her. Gives both you and her what you each want.

I've kept my respectful distance from my ILs for 30 years. No regrets.

Get over it.

My MIL is not a nice person. She is narcissistic and thinks she is better than everyone. She treats her siblings poorly, is mean to her extended family. People tolerate her to her face because she is very wealthy and they are occasionally treated to nice events and gifts. She has lost many relationships due to her behavior but she acts like she could care less bc the relationships were beneath her. She is also racist, xenophobic, classist, mocks people of different faiths, and the type of person who is rude to waiters.
Over the years, I have caught her in lies about other people (extended family) but I didn’t call her out bc it was none of my business. I have called out on many other obnoxious comments, as have my teens, and she dials back her prejudices.

My DH is an only child and my MIL worships the ground he walks on. He can do no wrong. She is also loving and generous to my two children. DH loves his mom, and he has a strong sense of duty to take care of and visit her (1-2 times/week) although they don’t talk much on these visits. I visited her weekly (with DH) until recently.

MIL has always been outwardly respectful to me, until about a year ago, where I overheard her lie about me (something she says I said)—to my husband. I immediately called her out on it and she insisted I said it and was severely affronted that I questioned her honesty. My husband asked his mom to apologize to me, but didn’t make a big deal bc she was already histrionic. I held my ground and have kept my distance from her since. I am 100% civil and polite but don’t speak to her unnecessarily.
I have stopped making any excuses for her and really can’t stand her. My kids love her as their grandma, but also don’t like her as they have seen her bad behaviors. They don’t like to spend time with her bc she is manipulative. DH knows his mom’s faults, but just lets it go as “it’s just the way she is.” Mind you, she is very sharp and is still working as a professional.
She has been trying to make amends, apologized and said she misunderstood or heard my words wrong. She says she wants things to go back to how they were. But I dont want to go back. I’m so much happier now with space from her . My husband visits her without me (I love it) and I see her at all family gatherings and keep things pleasant.

My issue is that i feel a little guilty about not accepting MIL’s apology (I’m an empath and dislike conflict). I’m also not sure how long my husband will be okay with me avoiding his mom (he’s awesome to my parents and siblings) before he thinks I’m being unreasonable. I don’t want this to cause stress between us.

Perhaps I want some corroboration that I don’t have to forgive or appease a mean, horrible, selfish woman just because she apologized, is old and my DH’s mother.