Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never felt like my worth came from being a wife. Ever. Didn’t you feel pride in yourself when you were 17? Are you a good daughter? Sister? Friend? Neighbors?

I think women are pressure to define themselves in terms of their relationship to others, so thinking about how you’re a good neighbor, friend, etc doesn’t really solve this problem.

OP, you are inherently worthwhile as a standalone human being. The problem is that your spouse couldn’t see that and honor it. That’s a reflection of them, not you.

NP and gosh where would we be if men felt any of this? How many men are genuinely good husbands, fathers, brothers, neighbors, friends. In my mind I can think of only a few.

I felt like this. I think I was a good husband most of the time but wife made me feel bad most of the time. Now she's ex wife. I feel better. Maybe she does roo.

Guy, let’s be real. If you were a good husband, you wouldn’t be divorced. I’m married and I look around and see what women put up with and if you weren’t tolerable then you were probably pretty terrible. That goes for your ex wife too, you weren’t good for each other or to each other.

Is it true that a woman feels a sense of shame if her husband is the least successful in his career compared to her friends or social circles husbands?

I don't think a man who is married to a home health aide is going to be ashamed compared to the successful lawyer whose husband is a store associate

Could this perhaps then be why so many women are single? If you exclude men in the C-suite, women are doing as well if not better than most men.

And especially now with the healthcare sector being the one that still has a healthy job market and a sector more likely to be dominated by women, women are having an earlier start to building wealth and assets compared to men. And men are increasingly avoiding college.

I know exactly what you are talking about OP. it helps to understand that what you are feeling is a product of misogyny. You will need to recreate yourself as a woman. you get to decide who you are and what’s valuable about you. That journey is exciting. once you start walking the path….cant nobody tell you ish!

Anonymous wrote:My DH left me and it put my self worth in the toilet, partly because it is very uncommon for a college educated woman to get divorced and not be the one to file. It’s no different than the feeling of being dumped in high school, but comes with financial and social consequences that are on a different level. It’s going to affect your self-worth for a while. Once I accepted that and let myself admit that of course someone in my situation would feel like garbage, I was able to start letting that feeling go.

Same here. I was blindsided and completely shattered. My self worth is still iffy at best a few years out. Friends tell me I appear to be doing really well, even if it’s only on the surface. It was a long marriage and it was hard to go from “us” to single in a few short minutes with no discussion. I’m really proud of how Ive handled myself, but I still struggle with all of it. I probably always will. It’s less about defining myself by having a man and more that I thought I was a smart person and I had no idea – so who even am I?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never felt like my worth came from being a wife. Ever. Didn’t you feel pride in yourself when you were 17? Are you a good daughter? Sister? Friend? Neighbors?

I think women are pressure to define themselves in terms of their relationship to others, so thinking about how you’re a good neighbor, friend, etc doesn’t really solve this problem.

OP, you are inherently worthwhile as a standalone human being. The problem is that your spouse couldn’t see that and honor it. That’s a reflection of them, not you.

NP and gosh where would we be if men felt any of this? How many men are genuinely good husbands, fathers, brothers, neighbors, friends. In my mind I can think of only a few.

I felt like this. I think I was a good husband most of the time but wife made me feel bad most of the time. Now she's ex wife. I feel better. Maybe she does roo.

Yep -- I finally felt fully "adult" when my life had the enhanced purpose, direction, and structure of being a good husband (or so I thouoght), dad, and provider. Her blowing up our family really threw me for a loop.

Anonymous wrote:I’m currently separated from my stbxh and I don’t see a reconciliation on the horizon. Among one of the hardest realities here is how my sense of self has changed. If I am not a wife and mother and I do not have a man who actively loves me and commits to me, what am I worth?

We receive so much validation in society as women for having been picked by a man, a high value man. And to be a wife and a mother is seen as the highest achievement. You have a lavish wedding and a baby shower to celebrate this milestone.

But what if you were never able to hit this milestone or it did not work out.

I’m feeling pretty terrible about it. 💔

Sorry you are feeling terrible about the dissolution of your marriage, but you should tone down your " high value" rhetoric.

Who is this "we" you speak of? You and Hillary Clinton? These are modern times. People are shouting from the top of the hill, urging women to have lives, careers, hobbies. If you did not listen, we will still support and uplift you. But don't claim women's self worth are tied to their spouses being " high value" men and lavish weddings.

My sister is happily divorced. She has a great career and wonderful friends. Most of the women I know would be in a similar situation to my sistder. Sure, they will miss the love/romance they once shared with their spouses. But this " high value" men talk is ridiculous.

You lost me with the lavish wedding and baby shower. Those are purely external status symbols that reflect nothing about your actual relationship; they’re certainly not indicators of a happy marriage. But if that’s what you value, you’re going to have a really hard time, and you’re going to be at risk of repeating the same relationship patterns.

You have to take some time to get to know yourself and practice self-care. It’s probably best not to be in a relationship for a while. Build friendships, participate in activities that are meaningful to you, spend time with people who don’t measure value in superficial ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never felt like my worth came from being a wife. Ever. Didn’t you feel pride in yourself when you were 17? Are you a good daughter? Sister? Friend? Neighbors?

I think women are pressure to define themselves in terms of their relationship to others, so thinking about how you’re a good neighbor, friend, etc doesn’t really solve this problem.

OP, you are inherently worthwhile as a standalone human being. The problem is that your spouse couldn’t see that and honor it. That’s a reflection of them, not you.

NP and gosh where would we be if men felt any of this? How many men are genuinely good husbands, fathers, brothers, neighbors, friends. In my mind I can think of only a few.

I felt like this. I think I was a good husband most of the time but wife made me feel bad most of the time. Now she's ex wife. I feel better. Maybe she does roo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never felt like my worth came from being a wife. Ever. Didn’t you feel pride in yourself when you were 17? Are you a good daughter? Sister? Friend? Neighbors?

I think women are pressure to define themselves in terms of their relationship to others, so thinking about how you’re a good neighbor, friend, etc doesn’t really solve this problem.

OP, you are inherently worthwhile as a standalone human being. The problem is that your spouse couldn’t see that and honor it. That’s a reflection of them, not you.

NP and gosh where would we be if men felt any of this? How many men are genuinely good husbands, fathers, brothers, neighbors, friends. In my mind I can think of only a few.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never felt like my worth came from being a wife. Ever. Didn’t you feel pride in yourself when you were 17? Are you a good daughter? Sister? Friend? Neighbors?

I think women are pressure to define themselves in terms of their relationship to others, so thinking about how you’re a good neighbor, friend, etc doesn’t really solve this problem.

OP, you are inherently worthwhile as a standalone human being. The problem is that your spouse couldn’t see that and honor it. That’s a reflection of them, not you.

It’s a very different relationship though.

I find the people who struggle the hardest were the ones who secretly and not so secretly bought into the idea that they had value because they snagged a certain kind of man.

So OP - why did *you* buy into the nonsense?

Spend more time around women, especially those 10-20 years older than you. 50s-60s women are the absolutely best.

It's like this whole other world nobody even knows exists, where we all do whatever TF we want.

Anonymous wrote:I never felt like my worth came from being a wife. Ever. Didn’t you feel pride in yourself when you were 17? Are you a good daughter? Sister? Friend? Neighbors?

I think women are pressure to define themselves in terms of their relationship to others, so thinking about how you’re a good neighbor, friend, etc doesn’t really solve this problem.

OP, you are inherently worthwhile as a standalone human being. The problem is that your spouse couldn’t see that and honor it. That’s a reflection of them, not you.

My DH left me and it put my self worth in the toilet, partly because it is very uncommon for a college educated woman to get divorced and not be the one to file. It’s no different than the feeling of being dumped in high school, but comes with financial and social consequences that are on a different level. It’s going to affect your self-worth for a while. Once I accepted that and let myself admit that of course someone in my situation would feel like garbage, I was able to start letting that feeling go.

I never felt like my worth came from being a wife. Ever. Didn’t you feel pride in yourself when you were 17? Are you a good daughter? Sister? Friend? Neighbors?

I’m currently separated from my stbxh and I don’t see a reconciliation on the horizon. Among one of the hardest realities here is how my sense of self has changed. If I am not a wife and mother and I do not have a man who actively loves me and commits to me, what am I worth?

We receive so much validation in society as women for having been picked by a man, a high value man. And to be a wife and a mother is seen as the highest achievement. You have a lavish wedding and a baby shower to celebrate this milestone.

But what if you were never able to hit this milestone or it did not work out.

I’m feeling pretty terrible about it. 💔