I have 3 boys. The most fraught time between them and their dad was always between the ages of 16-18. This seems to be when dad of boy anxiety comes out the most even if they were oblivious to the boys before this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what’s going on with your son? It sounds like things went pretty far downhill. As a parent of a kid who took a really bad turn starting in HS, it can be really demoralizing as a parent and hope waxes and wanes. My spouse and I used to always say it’s a good thing we tended to be on the opposite ends of the emotional roller coaster so that we could support each other.

And, there are plenty of things that kids do that would make me feel like they are a loser. Heroin or fentanyl use, violence, other illegal activity, bullying other kids, sexually assaulting someone. If it were my child doing those things or even on the road to doing them and I couldn’t talk to my spouse about that, I’d feel like I didn’t have a real partner.

Definitely none of that! I'd have no issue with the strong language if that was the case! Our son is just unmotivated, extremely lazy and lacks any personality. DH also does the bare minimum when it comes to parenting and engaging with him and I'm frustrated hearing his resentment when he doesn't do anything to meaningfully engage with him. Everything is reactive and a little too late. I see the same traits in DH that I see in DS. I think they both need intensive therapy!!

So your husband doesn't like himself and sees in your son these same traits. Common, unfortunately, and can permanently ruin this relationship. Get your DH to a GOOD family therapist immediately. I would make him go before dragging son into it. This is 100% on your husband to recognize and correct.

Anonymous wrote:Just because your husband thinks your son is a "loser" doesn't mean he doesn't like or love him. Lots of losers are liked or loved.

Sometimes kids disappoint. It's ok to think that way. To your husband's credit, he told YOU he thinks your son is a loser--he didn't tell HIM.

The man deserves no credit. The word is an insult. Something bullies say. Trump uses the insult all the time and he’s not a good man.

You can say you’re disappointed in decisions your kid makes but sports? Who cares? He’s 17 and should decide if he wants to play games or not. Husband’s probably a big fat slob who needs to but out on this decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what’s going on with your son? It sounds like things went pretty far downhill. As a parent of a kid who took a really bad turn starting in HS, it can be really demoralizing as a parent and hope waxes and wanes. My spouse and I used to always say it’s a good thing we tended to be on the opposite ends of the emotional roller coaster so that we could support each other.

And, there are plenty of things that kids do that would make me feel like they are a loser. Heroin or fentanyl use, violence, other illegal activity, bullying other kids, sexually assaulting someone. If it were my child doing those things or even on the road to doing them and I couldn’t talk to my spouse about that, I’d feel like I didn’t have a real partner.

Definitely none of that! I'd have no issue with the strong language if that was the case! Our son is just unmotivated, extremely lazy and lacks any personality. DH also does the bare minimum when it comes to parenting and engaging with him and I'm frustrated hearing his resentment when he doesn't do anything to meaningfully engage with him. Everything is reactive and a little too late. I see the same traits in DH that I see in DS. I think they both need intensive therapy!!

Lacks any personality? You're as bad as your DH. Your poor son. I hope he finds chosen family who like him soon.

NP. Why must every other poster on here (including the responders here) catastrophize EVERYTHING? Yes, that was an unkind thing for DH to say, but you know, teens are frustrating and yes they can be disappointing. Your dh was expressing this to YOU. Why don't you talk to him about how you can parent together to help ds?

Anonymous wrote:So what’s going on with your son? It sounds like things went pretty far downhill. As a parent of a kid who took a really bad turn starting in HS, it can be really demoralizing as a parent and hope waxes and wanes. My spouse and I used to always say it’s a good thing we tended to be on the opposite ends of the emotional roller coaster so that we could support each other.

And, there are plenty of things that kids do that would make me feel like they are a loser. Heroin or fentanyl use, violence, other illegal activity, bullying other kids, sexually assaulting someone. If it were my child doing those things or even on the road to doing them and I couldn’t talk to my spouse about that, I’d feel like I didn’t have a real partner.

Definitely none of that! I'd have no issue with the strong language if that was the case! Our son is just unmotivated, extremely lazy and lacks any personality. DH also does the bare minimum when it comes to parenting and engaging with him and I'm frustrated hearing his resentment when he doesn't do anything to meaningfully engage with him. Everything is reactive and a little too late. I see the same traits in DH that I see in DS. I think they both need intensive therapy!!

There’s more to the story than you’ve shared. You only told us the start of your son’s going downhill and you glossed over just how bad things have gotten. You didn’t say anything about what kind of relationship father and son have had historically. You said your dh is in therapy, but not why. Is he depressed or anxious? Is he having trouble coping with your son’s issues? Is he feeling guilty for thinking of your son as a loser? How is your dh’s own self esteem? Does he see himself in your son?

Your husband is trash for this

So what’s going on with your son? It sounds like things went pretty far downhill. As a parent of a kid who took a really bad turn starting in HS, it can be really demoralizing as a parent and hope waxes and wanes. My spouse and I used to always say it’s a good thing we tended to be on the opposite ends of the emotional roller coaster so that we could support each other.

And, there are plenty of things that kids do that would make me feel like they are a loser. Heroin or fentanyl use, violence, other illegal activity, bullying other kids, sexually assaulting someone. If it were my child doing those things or even on the road to doing them and I couldn’t talk to my spouse about that, I’d feel like I didn’t have a real partner.

Yikes. The only example you gave of your DS's behavior is choosing not to do fall sports. Just because he doesn't have the same interests as your DH doesn't make his interests wrong. And if your DH can't see that, that's a massive problem that would make me question my future with him.

Just because your husband thinks your son is a "loser" doesn't mean he doesn't like or love him. Lots of losers are liked or loved.

Sometimes kids disappoint. It's ok to think that way. To your husband's credit, he told YOU he thinks your son is a loser--he didn't tell HIM.

Your whole post is about DH being the loser. Learn to live with it, or help him not to be one if that's what he wants.

There is one emotion from which relationships rarely recover: contempt.

I would raise this directly with your husband, as calmly as possible. Writing someone off at 17 is a tragic error as a parent. The consequences can be devastating. Your DH needs to sort himself out. Quickly.

Criticism and frustration are normal. Contempt? Less so.

Yikes. Your DH is the loser here.

It's been a long year and after disappointment after disappointment my DH is beginning to pull away from his son. It started to quickly go downhill in August when DS decided not to participate in fall sports, among other things and it has escalated since then. DH is now in Therapy, but unfortunately the other night he outwardly said what he's been thinking to me (not DS) which is that he thinks his DS is a loser. I'm absolutely heartbroken and conflicted after hearing that and can't unhear it. I've read stories about "not liking" your own kid and hear it's pretty normal, but I'm crushed by his designation and the tone in which he expressed it- disgust. My only point of reference is my dad who jokes that he doesn't like my sister as much as me...loves her, just doesn't like her like a friend.

Anyone have a spouse who genuinely doesn't like their own kid?