It seems like this is a situation created by the parents. If this young person had so much trauma around shared custody, that he can't handle negotiating this, then that's the parents' fault. So, putting on him to fix isn't fair.

I can't imagine what it would be like being a little kid and not knowing what the holidays would be like. That sounds really terrible, and yet your DH clearly created that situation, since it's not that hard to create a predictable custody schedule. It sounds like both adults put their need to conflict over the need of a young child. Now, when they're dealing with a small fraction of what he went through they're whining?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately probably never.
This is why being a stepmom is so hard, but people still love to villainize them.

Welll, they get villainized because OP is so damn resentful. This is what a second marriage looks like. Complicated. If she didn’t want that she should not have signed up for it.

Why wouldn't she be resentful?
She wants her husband to herself without dealing with a kid that isn't hers and the ex forever.

Because any woman who marries a man with other wives and children in place better well not believe this. How selfish and awful towards your step son.

It’s not like he has a family of seven,OP. Are you really so controlling you couldn’t handle one more person at your table. This is why I would never, ever, be a man’s second baby mama. I’d know he would never be “just mine” from the start.

Even when you ss gets married and has kids of course you guys will still be coordinating with and *gasp* even interacting with the grandmother of his children. The fact that after all this time you guys haven’t managed to grow up and be cordial with each other looks very bad for all the parents in this picture, especially your husband but also frankly including you. Your wish that she disappear from your lives would cause tremendous pain to your ss who you claim to love. That’s not what love looks like.

Am I the only one who thinks the DH shouldn’t have to work out the schedule with the ex wife? This kid is 26 not a teenager. My DIL has divorced parents and her mother doesn’t get involved as to when she sees her father.

To the OP, which holidays do you always host? For example, do you always host Christmas Eve? Your DH should be laying out your family’s schedule and asking DS which events he can attend.

To answer your question, your DH is enabling.

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t want hurt either parent’s feelings.

Do you need to know in advance? If you buy his plane ticket, wouldn’t you know then? Or even if he just showed up - how does it matter? I don’t understand the issue if he is always welcome.

Tell your husband to stop complaining to you about it.

The stepmother wants to know because she expects it all to coordinate with her holiday plans with the step sibling.

I’m married to one of these kids and I would like your husband to please suck it up and deal with it and for you not to ask your stepson to carry this burden.

My DH is in his 40s and every holiday season is still a nightmare. Don’t put it on the kids. It’s not their fault.

He doesn’t want hurt either parent’s feelings.

Do you need to know in advance? If you buy his plane ticket, wouldn’t you know then? Or even if he just showed up - how does it matter? I don’t understand the issue if he is always welcome.

Tell your husband to stop complaining to you about it.

Yeah, the 26 year old should be making their own plans, not relying on their parents to coordinate amongst themselves. But that's on your husband. He can say to 26 year old, "We love you and want you here as much as possible, but you are an adult now, its up to you to manage your schedule, let me know your plans"


That's when the "shared custody" ends.

OP here. To be clear, I love DSS and he's welcome here for every and any holiday as much or as little as works for him. We live in the same city as ex wife, and DSS is a plane ride away. We have a standing offer to buy him tickets to come home whenever. I just figured at some point, like folks do when managing multiple families wanting visits on the holidays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately probably never.
This is why being a stepmom is so hard, but people still love to villainize them.

Welll, they get villainized because OP is so damn resentful. This is what a second marriage looks like. Complicated. If she didn’t want that she should not have signed up for it.

Why wouldn't she be resentful?
She wants her husband to herself without dealing with a kid that isn't hers and the ex forever.

She was naive and foolish to expect that ever to happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately probably never.
This is why being a stepmom is so hard, but people still love to villainize them.

Welll, they get villainized because OP is so damn resentful. This is what a second marriage looks like. Complicated. If she didn’t want that she should not have signed up for it.

Why wouldn't she be resentful?
She wants her husband to herself without dealing with a kid that isn't hers and the ex forever.

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately probably never.
This is why being a stepmom is so hard, but people still love to villainize them.

Welll, they get villainized because OP is so damn resentful. This is what a second marriage looks like. Complicated. If she didn’t want that she should not have signed up for it.

You were wrong to expect this would pass. This is why it sucks to have divorced parents. The logistical work never ends. It may never improve. If he has children it may be worse then. I do this with my parents and I loathe trying to coordinate everything. Wish I could just go home and have it be simple.

If you want him to just decide and announce his plans, you will have way less control of the schedule. Do you like that?

Your DH needs to suck it up. He chose to have a child with this person and that is on him. Set boundaries for his complaining to you.

Unfortunately probably never.
This is why being a stepmom is so hard, but people still love to villainize them.

My husband has been divorced for 25 years, we have been married for 18. My stepson is 26. In other words, he's never known anything but two parents who shared custody and have always had a contentious relationship. Honestly, I'm tired of it and thought we would be well past this by now. My stepson is single, and a grad student, but I still envisioned a relationship where we welcomed him to our house for the holidays, and he would let us know what events he was available for and when he was not available, or, alternately, let us know when he was available so we could schedule things like dinner or Hanukah celebrations with his younger sister (age 16).

Instead, he doesn't want to "get between" his parents and wants DH and his ex to divvy up the time. So I am now in my second decade of not knowing when I will see DSS for the holidays (note that it's the Monday before Thanksgiving and I have no clue what events he will be attending) and I have to listen to my DH complain about dealing with his ex.

So, what's the DCUM opinion? Is DH being enabling by continuing to allow this dynamic instead of just opening our house to DSS, not engaging with ex, and asking DSS to please just let us know his plans? Or is he being extremely kind by recognizing DSS didn't create this situation and it's his job to continue to take the brunt of the logistical challenge? Will it naturally take care of itself when DSS finds a more serious partner?