Anonymous wrote:I don’t think “mean” is the right word but I think every woman should say “no” to a few small things early in the relationship without justifying or apologizing. So along the lines of “No, let’s meet at 7, not 9.” “No, I don’t want to meet for a drink; let’s do coffee.”

The problem is that a lot of women are super accommodating up front and then they get 6 months into a relationship before they realize that the guy they are with doesn’t like them enough to do any of the work. A little pushback early in the relationship is a great way to weed out people who can’t handle you having or expressing needs.

Definitely do at least a bit of this. A surprising number of men can't handle any kind of rejection, however mild, without dropping their masks and revealing the monster. This weeds out the most controlling types who expect you to "submit" in all things.

No loss. They're terrible leaders and usually selfish, stunted jerks. Just make sure you're in a safe place so that if/when he tantrums, you're okay.

Anonymous wrote:Having boundaries only feels mean when you are a doormat

Having boundaries only reads as "mean" to men who were expecting a doormat

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

This. It will feel “mean” to you, but it’s not truly mean. It’s being respectful towards yourself. Stop sacrificing your own interests constantly with the hope that a man will like you for that.

Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

I wouldn’t necessarily be mean to others since that is definitely not a solution to not enforcing proper boundaries.

Though if people do not respect your boundaries no one would blame you for being blunt w/your words if need be.

Dating rules for your 20s no longer apply to you, OP.

Ignore your friends; they are clearly less than mature.

I don’t think “mean” is the right word but I think every woman should say “no” to a few small things early in the relationship without justifying or apologizing. So along the lines of “No, let’s meet at 7, not 9.” “No, I don’t want to meet for a drink; let’s do coffee.”

The problem is that a lot of women are super accommodating up front and then they get 6 months into a relationship before they realize that the guy they are with doesn’t like them enough to do any of the work. A little pushback early in the relationship is a great way to weed out people who can’t handle you having or expressing needs.

Boundaries does not equal mean. Bad advice.

If you are mean and don’t respect them, you aren’t going to find anyone who respects you. A mean woman or a mean man do t make a good partner. In what universe would being mean attract a better partner? Do you want a guy to act mean? Would that attract you?

Guy here - happily married for many years. I certainly would not have fallen in love with someone who is mean or had any mean personality traits.

This sounds like terrible advice.

Having boundaries only feels mean when you are a doormat

Yes, you need to be mean. Don’t be a pushover.

No need to be "mean" but you do need to have boundaries of what speech and behavior you'll accept.

Yes, that rings true. Self respect is important, but be careful of attracting men who are too into "the challenge". That's bad news.

Apparently I’m too nice and a people pleaser with no boundaries. They’re telling me to attract a better quality man to start being a little mean. Is this a thing?