We are very happy. 6 years out. It was a shitty time in our marriage, not a referendum on the whole thing. At the time I would have said it’s over.

Together 27 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a woman who posted on here several times about her reconciliation that I think about whenever I see a thread on cheating (yes I read this forum too much).

Her prisoner/husband cheated and then did EVERYTHING she wanted to save the marriage. This means that he quit his job and now works remote, she has full access to his phone at any time, they signed a post-nup agreement, he had a vasectomy I think, therapy, AND he does more chores and she now has free time to herself and there are clear boundaries in the marriage. She insists that they are both so happy now and have regular lunchtime sex and he will be out if he ever cheats again but he never would because he has had therapy and is happy.

Just leave. Just keep your dignity and leave.

There was another one where husband had years of therapy, they "worked'" on the marriage but she won't trust him. I forget the rest but I felt she was just never going to get over it and should have just divorced rather than pretend if he did therapy they would still have a marriage.

I think it's possible to love someone and not trust them. Just think about all the issues with kids.

It's like running a marathon or getting sober . . . lots of people do it, but it's really hard and takes total commitment. You need to eat, breathe, and sleep accountability in order to do it right. And most cheaters are already lazy couch potatoes who probably aren't going to turn themselves into elite athletes.

As someone who's been there and done that and is now divorced after affair #2, I'll say . . . do NOT do any of the work for your spouse. Do not overcompensate. Do not get excited about tiny little bits of "effort." Don't give a ton of credit for "intentions" and ignore actions. Read Chump Lady. Read the book Fawning.

Anonymous wrote:There is a woman who posted on here several times about her reconciliation that I think about whenever I see a thread on cheating (yes I read this forum too much).

Her prisoner/husband cheated and then did EVERYTHING she wanted to save the marriage. This means that he quit his job and now works remote, she has full access to his phone at any time, they signed a post-nup agreement, he had a vasectomy I think, therapy, AND he does more chores and she now has free time to herself and there are clear boundaries in the marriage. She insists that they are both so happy now and have regular lunchtime sex and he will be out if he ever cheats again but he never would because he has had therapy and is happy.

Just leave. Just keep your dignity and leave.

There was another one where husband had years of therapy, they "worked'" on the marriage but she won't trust him. I forget the rest but I felt she was just never going to get over it and should have just divorced rather than pretend if he did therapy they would still have a marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Not possible.

I gave mine 2 years after dday. He did weekly therapy, biweekly couples therapist, started training for a marathon, switched jobs, reinvigorated his friendships again, was engaged with the kids. Then bam. 26 months past dday I happened upon another affair brewing. I left.

Ugh.

Not possible.

I gave mine 2 years after dday. He did weekly therapy, biweekly couples therapist, started training for a marathon, switched jobs, reinvigorated his friendships again, was engaged with the kids. Then bam. 26 months past dday I happened upon another affair brewing. I left.

Nope. It just never works.

It’s possible but you both have to get to the root of your own issues and what was going on in the relationship. It’s years of work. If you can do it, it’s absolutely worth it.

Yes, it is possible. When the WS does the hard work of self-reflection and growth and the BS is willing to offer a second chance. We are 15 years out from d-day and now have a family, healthy sex life, and so many plans for the future. In my experience though through spending time on infidelity message boards, most WS don't want to actually face the consequences of their own choices, and many WS/BS want to sweep things under the rug in order to not face the pain. In our situation, everything from the beginning was examined along with the A and together we rebuilt it all. Of course this may not be the path for everyone, but it worked for us. For others, reconciliation may not be the best choice, it all depends on the couple.

There is a woman who posted on here several times about her reconciliation that I think about whenever I see a thread on cheating (yes I read this forum too much).

Her prisoner/husband cheated and then did EVERYTHING she wanted to save the marriage. This means that he quit his job and now works remote, she has full access to his phone at any time, they signed a post-nup agreement, he had a vasectomy I think, therapy, AND he does more chores and she now has free time to herself and there are clear boundaries in the marriage. She insists that they are both so happy now and have regular lunchtime sex and he will be out if he ever cheats again but he never would because he has had therapy and is happy.

Just leave. Just keep your dignity and leave.

Anonymous wrote:Do people reconcile after affairs are discovered?

That would depend on the people and the situation and how much dedication they have to their relationship.

I reconciled and he did everything right. Transparency, therapy, etc. This lasted about 2-3 years.

Then he started doing things that weren’t “technically” cheating but pushing the boundaries. Like texting another woman until 2am, but it was never overtly sexual.

He also had very little interest in sex with me.

I saw the writing on the wall and left. I didn’t need to waste my time on someone who was so desperate for female attention he’d lock himself in the bathroom to text all night.

Yes, but men often cheat again.

My friend forgave her husband for cheating with a coworker in NY state.

They adopted kids a few years later. When the kids were in elementary, and they were living in Pennsylvania, and he had a different employer, she found out he was cheating at work again.

This guy is very fun to be around. He's cute-ish for a short, chubby-ish guy. But he's a selfish bastard.

That's the only example I personally know.

Since women have become economically more independent, they no longer put up with cheating as much. In olden times, I think it was a lot more common to forgive. Plus a lot harder for the cheating to become widespread public knowledge.


We live in an anything goes society. I personally would be willing to reconcile but I would keep an eye out. Some people think that's no way to live but I'm a preturnaturally vigilant person anyway.

Check out chumplady.com to make sure you aren't being fed a line of b.s.

I would not. Too much self-respect.

Do people reconcile after affairs are discovered?