What is the consequence for refusing to take the meds? Has he ever taken them?
I have an 8th grader who started meds in 7th. Took a few months to get to correct dosing.
She is like night and day on Ritalin vs off it.
She knows she can focus and concentrate better on the meds.
There is no phone/tablet on school mornings at all. Phone doesnt go to school and she can only have it once everything else is completed after school. It charges in my room from 830pm onwards. She goes to bed/lights out around 930.
She’s very active in sports which helps channel the energy for us.
I wouldn’t let a 14yo just choose not to take meds though unless there was some awful side effects. He doesn’t get that choice if he wants privileges while living in your house.

This is OP. I just wanted to thank everybody for taking the time and sharing your stories. This is incredibly helpful. I am only here to listen and pick up some lessons and tips - nothing to share on my end yet. Nothing positive anyway and I don’t want to go into negative because that’s too much and too ugly.

I’m hoping one day I will come back and share our success story, but for now, there is none. Just wanted to be honest about that. Just need to keep reading and learning…

Anonymous wrote:My ADHD kid had been thrown out of two catholic schools that claimed they could handle ADHD (so much for "Christian" values), and we found Commonwealth Academy in Alexandria for gifted kids with ADHD. He enrolled in 8th grade after being brutally outed (we are not catholic) from a Mclean parochial school. It was like night and day. He graduated first in his class from C/A, attended UVA, graduated with distinction, earned his master's and doctorate from Cambridge, and is now at Yale Law School.

Wow! Congrats to him and you!

My ADHD kid had been thrown out of two catholic schools that claimed they could handle ADHD (so much for "Christian" values), and we found Commonwealth Academy in Alexandria for gifted kids with ADHD. He enrolled in 8th grade after being brutally outed (we are not catholic) from a Mclean parochial school. It was like night and day. He graduated first in his class from C/A, attended UVA, graduated with distinction, earned his master's and doctorate from Cambridge, and is now at Yale Law School.

Anonymous wrote:You won’t have a success story unless you take away all electronics and get more involved in his life. A computer should not be raining your child.

Mom of an ADHD kid who is about to graduate from college (knock on wood). I think this is bad advice to take away all electronics. My ADHD kid didn't like to read and hated and found boring most of his classes in school. Taking away electronics would have been the worst thing. Playing video games helped him connect with male friends at school. Being allowed to watch YouTube and TV meant he could learn about things he was interested in, or learn about class material in a way that was more useful for him (watching a documentary or a YouTube explanation).

Would I limit electronics use? Yes, by making certain hours and subject matter off limits. Would I monitor it by insisting on having user and password information on accounts - yes. Would my kid get in trouble for bullying someone online or being violent, yes. But, also would I talk to him about his interests as he explores online - yes. Would I play video games with him occasionally - also yes.

As for homework - I made sure my DC had a full neuropsychological evaluation which he participated in and the psychologist thoroughly discussed with him (and which he said "really describes" him). I insisted that the school provide accommodations and helped him understand how extra time and other supports could be useful, and advocated for him when school officials violated his accommodations. I repeatedly explained and offered psychiatric (medication) and therapy support and tutoring in a way that was non-judgmental and sent the message that I believed he was a good, capable kid who needed to learn strategies to do things in a particular way that fit his brain. At first he wouldn't try meds or therapy, but eventually he did, especially when I made it clear that it was entirely his choice to take meds or not and he could switch if he didn't like a doctor. He did use meds in high school, but eventually found his footing enough that he doesn't take them anymore.

Were there consequences for bad behavior or breaking house rules - yes. But, I also took a number of parenting classes and read many ADHD books and papers and learn that you can't punish an ADHD kid into better behavior or homework completion. Instead of punishing, I became his ally, working to help him figure out what he needed.

I won't pretend it was all hunky-dory. There were definitely some moments when I wondered if he would graduate or go to college, but I kept supporting him, kept telling him college was one of many options, and I was there to support him. And, eventually he figured it out, with support. He's had some bumpy semesters for various reasons, but he's also had some great ones with great grades, accolades from professors, and professional opportunities.

Kids don't progress in a straight line - there are ups and downs but overall the progression is usually upwards.

Taking away electronics would have only increased the conflict and would have failed to recognize and solve the reasons he used them to begin with.

I’ll be honest, things got much better when he turned 25. His frontal lobe developed and he stopped fighting with the world. Still working on college, but much more motivated to finish now.

A couple of things that helped:
Homework supervision (sit next to him while he does it and where you can see the screen while he is online.)
Both parents on the same page with a plan for rule breaking. You don't have to address it in the moment if that escalates the situation, you can just state the consequence and walk away.

One of the keys for success with my son was getting the right support and services at school. It took time but mine needed a non mainstream public placement.

It was a really rough ride though and mine got into a lot of trouble with substance abuse, running away and other behaviors before things turned around.

I have a college student and it's not going that well, but it's better than it was. I think you have to find a way to disconnect from the power struggle because it only becomes a distraction from the other issues. There's no quick easy fix, it's a matter of your kid realizing he wants something and becoming willing to make changes and try things in order to achieve that. You can support but you can't make them do it. It may look horrendous for a while, and they may need that to realize they need to change direction.

I don't know what your marriage is like but if it is otherwise OK I would try to salvage it. I don't know who I would talk to about dc if not dh.

Anonymous wrote:Has he ever shown interest in anything? Sometimes kids do better in a vocational high school because it's easier to feel motivation and a sense of purpose when you are actually building/repairing/doing something.

+1. I don't know where you are, but DCPS high schools have a Career and Technical Education pathway where you can train to be an EMT, or work in hospitality, or become a computer maintenance tech, etc. Sometimes that type of hands on work is much easier for someone with ADHD.

Has he ever shown interest in anything? Sometimes kids do better in a vocational high school because it's easier to feel motivation and a sense of purpose when you are actually building/repairing/doing something.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Been there as well. Marriage counseling has actually been what has helped us the most to get on the same page and learn to communicate better with each other. We did not want our child's issues to destroy our marriage, and it easily can. This is a hard period, but things greatly improved when we began to show a united front. I needed DH to to step up and thankfully after a LOT of work by both of us, we've become aligned and much better at communicating. Good luck OP.

One other thing, we had to find something our DS loved to do or have that we could use as the carrot, and the stick. No work meant none of whatever he wanted. Meds would be an absolute requirement for me if he needed it. That's where DH and I had to work hard to get on the same page. We considered military school and DS was aware that this was an option if he didn't shape up. However, he did eventually find the benefits of counseling, meds, good sleep, adequate food and exercise. It took time, but his motivation grew over time. He's 16 now, still a hot mess, but trying so much harder and has a decent attitude most of the time. 9th grade was the hardest for us.

Hang in there!

You won’t have a success story unless you take away all electronics and get more involved in his life. A computer should not be raining your child.

My AuDHD child is a freshman in college (going part time -- plan is to take 5 years). Each year, he's done a little better than the previous year and taken a bit more responsibility for his actions. I have more faith now that he will graduate from college and live independently -- faith I didn't have when he was in 9th grade. But there was no dramatic turn around -- he's still autistic and ADHD, with related difficulties focusing on nonpreferred activities (which, unfortunately, includes school work). But he's still growing and developing, albeit several years behind his NT peers.

We are struggling with a 9th grader son with ADHD. He refuses to take medication, has no interest in any of the school subjects, lies about how he spends time (which is on social media at the time of homework practice), and generally breaks agreements and house rules.
We have family therapy sessions restarted every two weeks.

Relationships are strained and it feels we going towards separation with DH due to recurring conflicts.

Grateful if you could share your success stories if you were able to help your teen and turn things around. What were the major factors behind your progress? Thanks so much