I think a huge percentage of older people are lonely, bored, and depressed. If you can get them into something social that also has movement or food, that is probably the best possible outcome.

In theory I wouldn’t bother with anyone whose kids are already grown.
In practice I’ve been trying with my father who is 80 and I’ve decided he needs to have access to food, have a clean house, and access to medical care (but not endless follow up appointments “just in case”). That’s it. If he doesn’t want to socialize or eat I don’t care anymore. It is what it is.

My mom still has most of her marbles so I just keep stressing to her that if she wants to be able to continue living independently and traveling to see her grandkids she needs to do her physical therapy, get a decent nights sleep, and eat decently. She basically does.

I think if someone has dementia, or if they don’t enjoy doing things anymore, there’s no point. Just let them slide.

And some elderly people can be very very thin but still healthy. My grandmother was skin and bones for decades but lived forever and kept her marbles. She just couldn’t put any weight on and got sick if she overate. If they are eating reasonably, again, I wouldn’t fuss about the results.

Anonymous wrote:You can’t reverse time. Give them an Ensure and them be.

Toxic garbage. A glass of milk is a much better alternative.

Anonymous wrote:How much do you cajole an 88 year old Alzheimer woman to eat, and follow instructions to stay healthy? My mother is at about a stage 6 of 7 on the scale. She keeps wanting to walk around by herself, but is unstable. She doesn’t remember my instructions to stay put. She is very thin, but continues to offer me her food from her plate.

It is OK if she does not want to eat.

Anonymous wrote:My goal with elder care is to help the person feel secure and like themselves as much as possible. Being strong enough to manage daily activities is certainly a big factor for that so pushing hard on physical therapy might be worthwhile. Or not. If the reason they’re not doing that stuff is because they’re depressed, maybe focus on that.

This is an excellent goal!

How much do you cajole an 88 year old Alzheimer woman to eat, and follow instructions to stay healthy? My mother is at about a stage 6 of 7 on the scale. She keeps wanting to walk around by herself, but is unstable. She doesn’t remember my instructions to stay put. She is very thin, but continues to offer me her food from her plate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When do you just give up on cajoling someone who is basically a sack of bones into trying a bit harder? To do the physical therapy, to eat a real meal, etc. and when do you just realize that the end is creeping up and has to arrive somehow? Has anyone gotten an elderly person to get BETTER in any way? Or is it only an inevitable decline?

A “sack of bones.” How horribly insensitive you are. But your day will come.

Not at all. I sense OP's deep fear for her parent's welfare. My parents have become sack of bones too! My father complies with his fortifying drinks regimen. My mother, not so much.

This is on a case by case basis, OP. Forcing someone who is very old or very sick in mind or body into anything is cruel. If they want to die on their own terms, let them. On the other hand, educating someone who is slightly younger and not dying just yet, to make them understand that their bad choices are going to restrict what they're able to do in the future and reduce their quality of life, IS important.

I've tried to get my parents to stop smoking, for instance. Their doctors have told them too. My father was hospitalized three times in the last three months and doctors offered to get him specialized care to stop smoking, because it impacts the rest of his medical treatments for his auto-immune disease.

And nothing. We Facetimed when he returned home, and there they both were, still smoking.

My mother has consistently refused to get physical therapy for her chronic disease, even though it's FREE. As a result she's physically in far worse shape than she should be given the extent of her disease. Why the heck she refuses to go to physical therapy is beyond me, when she trots here and there for a host of other things and has no problems going to the dentist for implants, etc.

So then what does the adult child do? What is their burden of care for someone who just makes things worse for themselves? I'm prepared to do a lot to provide treatments and comforts for my elderly parents if they're reasonable. Not so much if they persist in doing things that will make care more complicated!

The problem is that I see their refusal to stop smoking or get physical therapy as a personal affront to me. I see it as disrespectful of my advice over several decades, and of my time and money and attention vis-a-vis their care. They don't see it like that - they're probably only thinking of themselves, their smoking addiction and their (inexplicable) refusal to do physical therapy. It's hard. All I can do is detach emotionally and physically and leave them to their own devices for a few weeks until I can get over myself and my feelings.

But it gets me down.

Anonymous wrote:When do you just give up on cajoling someone who is basically a sack of bones into trying a bit harder? To do the physical therapy, to eat a real meal, etc. and when do you just realize that the end is creeping up and has to arrive somehow? Has anyone gotten an elderly person to get BETTER in any way? Or is it only an inevitable decline?

A “sack of bones.” How horribly insensitive you are. But your day will come.

My goal with elder care is to help the person feel secure and like themselves as much as possible. Being strong enough to manage daily activities is certainly a big factor for that so pushing hard on physical therapy might be worthwhile. Or not. If the reason they’re not doing that stuff is because they’re depressed, maybe focus on that.

What age are we talking? Over 80? No. They are on the downhill part of life and it doesn't get better. Think about what makes them comfortable not what makes them better.

How old OP?

You can’t reverse time. Give them an Ensure and them be.

When do you just give up on cajoling someone who is basically a sack of bones into trying a bit harder? To do the physical therapy, to eat a real meal, etc. and when do you just realize that the end is creeping up and has to arrive somehow? Has anyone gotten an elderly person to get BETTER in any way? Or is it only an inevitable decline?