I don’t do things for other people to get reciprocated. I do it because I like helping out and being kind.

My kids are at a school where they are the "poor kids" and I seem to be the only one hosting. I know our house is smaller and less impressive. The kids don't seem to care and the moms just drop off and never come in for coffee or anything. I don't care at all about reciprocation but I'd like if the moms stopped to chat for 5 minutes since their kids spend so much time here.

I grew up thinking the family across the street was so loving. I was at their house all the time. Later learned their actions were because they didn't want their kids at my house. My siblings were teenagers. Didn't want their kids in that environment. I thought we had a great family, no bad influence. The other family, hosting, was not the loving example I thought it was as a child.

Being poor or in a tiny apt is not an excuse. I grew up poor too and still had friends come over. Or you can take my kid to a park or playground, or tell me to pack lunch and take them on a picnic. There are endless free possibilities. You just don’t want to make the effort and it’s selfish.

OP I’ve found I need to be more forthright with some people. One school friend I hosted 4-5 times and paid each time because the mom said “ in their culture the host pays” but took my kid for lunch once. After the 5th time I stopped inviting.
Another friend I’ve asked about the kids getting together on Saturday and when she said yes I said great, csn they come to you this time so I can run a few errands.
This was after I had done several school pick ups and hosted several times.

I grew up the poor kid with a single mom who didn’t/couldn’t reciprocate. A lot of kind families fed me and drove me around.

I’m thrilled when my kids bring friends over, I love having a table full of laughter. I will feed them, I will give them rides home. It doesn’t even happen that often, but sometimes their parents say they don’t want their kids to stay for dinner because they can’t invite mine over to reciprocate. I truly don’t care about reciprocating.

So sorry OP, what form of reciprocation is acceptable to you and how soon do you expect it? (Seriously, no sarcasm)

Ugh, this is such an unhealthy, transactional attitude.

Do what you're comfortable doing. Don't do what you're not. If you want to invite kids over to play, do it. If you want your kids' friends to stay for dinner, invite them. If you're happy to give them a ride, do it.

If it feels like an imposition to you, dial it back. Say no. Lay low for a while.

But don't just quietly judge people who don't reciprocate as "rude" and spend time and energy mulling on it while still inviting them over! If it feels like you're giving more than you want, dial back. Otherwise, enjoy your kids' friends and your full house and stop expecting payback.

We probably host kids to play... 10x as often as my kids are invited elsewhere? Who. Cares. We often feed those kids at those times. Who. Cares. Hosting is often easier because I don't have to schlep my kids'.

Do what works for you and your family and what you enjoy and don't worry about everyone else. People have struggles you don't know about or understand and community is Good.

OP, you may want to think about asking for what you need. Ask. They can say no, or it leads them to think/ask if there is another way they can help. Don't let resentment build. If you're already resentful, you've let it go too far. It's a sign you're doing too much.

1. I earn less than everyone around me. I grew up upper-middle class and read a lot so I speak as if I'm college educated and you'd think I'm on your level, but I'm way below.
2. Due to #1 above, I live in a tiny apartment. It's VERY run down and no matter how much I clean, decades of dirt are in the linoleum, the decades old carpet is awful looking, the cabinets look like they'll fall off the kitchen wall, etc. Barely enough space for me and a small child, let alone said child's friends.
3. This one has been resolved, but I grew up in a weird household where each child could have one friend over per school year. I thought that was normal until my early 30's when it came out and a couple of friends insisted that is nuts. So for a while there I'd have one friend over a year as an adult. MAYYYBE two, but that was a wild and crazy year for me. As I said, now resolved.

Take what? What are you giving that they are failing to reciprocate?

I have realized as an adult that some people offer to do things believing it is *implied* that I will reciprocate. I didn't know this! In some cases I agree (I think playdates and carpooling should be reciprocated unless there is a reason why it can't be or why one family wants to host every time). In other cases, people will do things for me that I don't want them to do and then expect me to get them back and... no. That's you trying to manipulate me into doing things for you.

Like I had parent friends who used to bring toys and books they didn't want anymore over to our house. I also didn't want them -- my kids aren't younger than there's and we have tons of stuff already. But then later they started asking to "borrow" some of our kid stuff and I realized they thought it was a reciprocal arrangement. I was very annoyed. Why would you assume that? And it's manipulative to give people what appears to be a gift but is really an obligation. Just no.

Anonymous wrote:We all know some parents who are only comfortable with the kids going to their house. They do it well. But often they are just more rigid and are too anxious for the more casual environment at the home of others.

This is like the opposite of what OP is describing…?

We all know some parents who are only comfortable with the kids going to their house. They do it well. But often they are just more rigid and are too anxious for the more casual environment at the home of others.

I definitely take more now that I'm poorer and single but used to give more than others when I was married and had more money. Now I try to contribute a dish to the event, pick up a kid and take them home, make sure I show up on time and bring a nice gift, and invite people out. But nothing large beyond one party a year that is never reciprocated with a party invite in return. My circle has gotten smaller because I dont reciprocate as much. I think some groups do this stuff often and others rarely. There are some groups of women in my neighborhood that have get togethers several times a week. Others never and so they aren't used to reciprocating.

OP, maybe you're doing too much, More than the other parents appreciate, like way, way more. And they don't agree with the bar you've set. They don't think it's necessary or the style of parent they wish to be. Or believe is best. They go-along because it's so obvious that all that you do is so important to you. It's the parent you want to bo. But maybe they would actually prefer a lot fewer plans?

This hasn’t bothered me in a while. I was glad my kids all have a lot of friends. I just feel like some people are just takers. They never offer anything, just take take take.

I know some people have difficult circumstances. I don’t necessarily think it has to do with money but personality.

I wonder if it is lack of basic manners? There are some kids I have hosted, driven, fed countless times with absolutely no reciprocity. Reciprocation can be in ANY form.