If the underlying conduct isnt enough for a protective order you're not going to get a carveout for activities at the kids school. If it is then try to get the school put into the order.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

So this is difficult, and I'm so sorry you are going through this, but the best way is for the kids to just stand up for themselves in front of people. Talk to your lawyer because you don't want to be accused of alienation, but the kids have every right to refuse his hugs and such and to say "Dad, you're making me uncomfortable and I told you to stop." He is doing this to look good in front of people, and if it makes him look like a jerk, he won't come anymore.

The bolded honestly does not seem like much. I have a friend who insists on (often playfully) hugging her high school kid even though he thinks it is embarrassing. I don’t think she should, but it certainly isn’t abusive!
Policing facial expressions could be a parent telling a kid who is sulking over to knock it off.
Many divorcing couples divulge personal things, such as whether there was a real or suspected affair, with older kids. None of this is good, but it’s certainly not abusive or worthy of not being allowed to come to the school.

This is a different scenario than a playful embarrassing hug within the bounds of an otherwise healthy relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kids have had such horrible experiences that they can't even handle him attending a sporting event or school event to watch them- there has to be something more. That level of fear, terror, horror - doesn't come from minor inappropriateness like what you describe (Dad hugging them, telling them to smile, asking what they discussed in therapy etc). The fact that they physically run away when he appears and they are traumatized that he might show up at their school - there must have been more major traumatic events that have happened to them that maybe you aren't aware of.

There was really intense verbal abuse and screaming and random unprovoked outbursts at the kids. There were also things like barging in through closed doors and pulling off bedcovers and chasing the kids down. But I think the bulk of it has just been insidious mental stuff that’s hard to capture and document. Their therapist has expressed concerns to me that something else has happened to make the kids feel the way they do but I have not been able to get to the bottom of whether there is more.

That's bad enough ffs!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

So this is difficult, and I'm so sorry you are going through this, but the best way is for the kids to just stand up for themselves in front of people. Talk to your lawyer because you don't want to be accused of alienation, but the kids have every right to refuse his hugs and such and to say "Dad, you're making me uncomfortable and I told you to stop." He is doing this to look good in front of people, and if it makes him look like a jerk, he won't come anymore.

The bolded honestly does not seem like much. I have a friend who insists on (often playfully) hugging her high school kid even though he thinks it is embarrassing. I don’t think she should, but it certainly isn’t abusive!
Policing facial expressions could be a parent telling a kid who is sulking over to knock it off.
Many divorcing couples divulge personal things, such as whether there was a real or suspected affair, with older kids. None of this is good, but it’s certainly not abusive or worthy of not being allowed to come to the school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

So this is difficult, and I'm so sorry you are going through this, but the best way is for the kids to just stand up for themselves in front of people. Talk to your lawyer because you don't want to be accused of alienation, but the kids have every right to refuse his hugs and such and to say "Dad, you're making me uncomfortable and I told you to stop." He is doing this to look good in front of people, and if it makes him look like a jerk, he won't come anymore.

When you meet about a restraining order, ask if the school can be a location he is ordered to stay away from.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

You posted before. This is not appropriate for a restraining order. You are not allowing him to see his kids. As a parent, he has every right to go to school events, activities and sports. You need to talk to your attorney. He is not abusing them and it sounds like he's upset because of your behavior. He needs a very clear custody order as you are withholding the kids and alienating them.

+1

OP, you’re also sharing too many personal and private details in your posts. You have an attorney and therapists—share the specifics with them, not here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

You posted before. This is not appropriate for a restraining order. You are not allowing him to see his kids. As a parent, he has every right to go to school events, activities and sports. You need to talk to your attorney. He is not abusing them and it sounds like he's upset because of your behavior. He needs a very clear custody order as you are withholding the kids and alienating them.

This is my first post on dcum about custody. There are a few people here with a lot of similar experiences and good advice and I am here to get it. I know that DH has a legal right to be at my children’s events so I am asking what protections can be put in place, if any, when this legal right is so at odds with their mental health and emotional states. I am not seeking a restraining order for him with the kids but asking if there is any other kind of legal protection that can keep him from being at small events when they feel his presence is upsetting and invasive of their safe places/activities.

I am definitely not withholding the children. There are days when I have done the opposite and literally pushed them out of the garage to go to his car to spend time with him that I have had to plan for him. Try to physically push your own tween’s body out a door to do something they refuse to do and then tell me if you still think it is withholding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

You posted before. This is not appropriate for a restraining order. You are not allowing him to see his kids. As a parent, he has every right to go to school events, activities and sports. You need to talk to your attorney. He is not abusing them and it sounds like he's upset because of your behavior. He needs a very clear custody order as you are withholding the kids and alienating them.

Anonymous wrote:If your kids have had such horrible experiences that they can't even handle him attending a sporting event or school event to watch them- there has to be something more. That level of fear, terror, horror - doesn't come from minor inappropriateness like what you describe (Dad hugging them, telling them to smile, asking what they discussed in therapy etc). The fact that they physically run away when he appears and they are traumatized that he might show up at their school - there must have been more major traumatic events that have happened to them that maybe you aren't aware of.

There was really intense verbal abuse and screaming and random unprovoked outbursts at the kids. There were also things like barging in through closed doors and pulling off bedcovers and chasing the kids down. But I think the bulk of it has just been insidious mental stuff that’s hard to capture and document. Their therapist has expressed concerns to me that something else has happened to make the kids feel the way they do but I have not been able to get to the bottom of whether there is more.

I am the first reply.

My situation was different from yours, in that my kids had protective orders too. But if you succeed in getting a protective order for yourself, I think in most states that can include a stay away order from locations where you are regularly found, which includes your home and your work, and I think can also include your children's school. I am not 100%, even for my state, and of course I don't know for sure for every state, but I'm pretty sure that the school can be named. Now, if your kids are also running into this at other locations that's not a complete solution. But it might help.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

If your kids have had such horrible experiences that they can't even handle him attending a sporting event or school event to watch them- there has to be something more. That level of fear, terror, horror - doesn't come from minor inappropriateness like what you describe (Dad hugging them, telling them to smile, asking what they discussed in therapy etc). The fact that they physically run away when he appears and they are traumatized that he might show up at their school - there must have been more major traumatic events that have happened to them that maybe you aren't aware of.

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

My STBX has become scary and unpredictable, and has initiated a private custody evaluation of himself while trying to get full custody. For now my kids see him for a small amount of time per week primarily in my hopes that they may one day salvage a relationship with him if his mental health improves and because I have concerns about additional legal action should I stop forcing them to see him.

STBX announced that he is going to start showing up at small school events and sports events. These aren't anonymous things with 400 people in an auditorium where the kids could slip away without 1:1 contact with him, but things like a small rock band concert with 20 kids performing after school and a reception after, or practice in an indoor volleyball gym with two rows of bleachers in the parent area. The kids are really, really upset about what they see as an invasion of spaces that are safe spaces for them. Right now, I don't have a way to keep STBX from showing up at school events or sports events. He hasn't been at any of their events since July and initially made a lot of excuses about work and then just stopped showing up, so this is a big shift in his behavior and the kids' expectations.

Is there a name for some kind of temporary order that would allow the kids to still have planned visitation with STBX but prevent him from showing up at events that they don't want him to be at? STBX has access to their activity calendars and so I cannot rely on the kids just not telling him about these things, which is what the kids hoped might work and still would not really be legally justified.