I would want some sort of rules around right of first refusal and who kids can be left with so there’s no risk of a kid being palmed off on a girlfriend if he has work obligations

When do you get a break?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reads like he isn't very interested in parenting time and you are trying to be extremely accommodating in the hopes that he will be a more involved father than he actually wants to be.

Op here. Thank you for the objective read. What do you think is the right choice if that is the situation. Be less accommodating? Expect he won't be involved and just plan on that? Or push him to take more time and force him to become an involved parent (several people have given me this advice in real life, but I have my doubts about what it looks like in practice)?

Well, you're right to have doubts. I don't think you can actually force him to be a good parent. He'll just be a sh*tty parent for longer periods of time, or cancel more often, or hire a lot of help or fly in his mom or something.

Some kids prefer to have every week same routine. Other kids prefer not to go more than a few days without seeing either parent. Other kids have reasonable logistical reasons to prefer a certain schedule (like one parent's house is nearer to an activity that they do once a week). Some kids like consistency, others appreciate flexibility. Nobody can tell you what your kids will care about most.

As your kids grow older they will likely want more autonomy. They might not want the same things as each other. They may have times when they don't go to the same school as each other, or have very different activity schedules. There's really no way to predict this in advance. You can't make a schedule now and expect it to work until they are 18+. That's not how child development works. Expect it to be renegotiated.

Don't forget to consider the unexpected-- snow days, sick days, etc. Think through your ROFR language and what he's likely to do to cover time when he's got custody but has a conflict-- a nanny service? Friends, family? A babysitter? Remember, you won't have any control over what he chooses to do for childcare. It's not a violation for him to use childcare, as long as he observes whatever ROFR you agreed on.

It sounds like you're going to get the lion's share either way-- either by agreeing to it in advance or by him trying to shirk and playing the My Job So Important card. So I think it's better for you to agree to it in advance because then you can have a more consistent schedule, and also get child support accordingly. If you agree to 50/50 and he doesn't do his share, it'll be a whole process to get child support increased.

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on every other weekend and every other Wednesday from after school to after dinner. On average, he cancels about 3 times a year. They FaceTime 3 or 4 times a week.

Are you happy with this schedule? Is kid/kids happy?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reads like he isn't very interested in parenting time and you are trying to be extremely accommodating in the hopes that he will be a more involved father than he actually wants to be.

Op here. Thank you for the objective read. What do you think is the right choice if that is the situation. Be less accommodating? Expect he won't be involved and just plan on that? Or push him to take more time and force him to become an involved parent (several people have given me this advice in real life, but I have my doubts about what it looks like in practice)?

I think you drop the notion you can push him to do anything. The divorce/child custody process is not the venue to force your partner to change. Push for the schedule that you believe is good for the kids and ensures that you have what you need to do your job (ie aftercare paid for jointly).

We do 70-30 and it works out really well for stability. I think a fixed weekly schedule is better for everyone. My ex has kid on Thurs night - Saturday dinner every week. We are very flexible about holidays etc. but probably better to start out with a schedule for holidays and vacations written out.

I agree with PPs that he needs to have a plan to reliably take his custody time and plan for contingencies. He needs to not have early work mornings on his days and needs to have childcare in place for after school. That said I don’t see how forcing 50-50 solves that problem.

Anonymous wrote:This reads like he isn't very interested in parenting time and you are trying to be extremely accommodating in the hopes that he will be a more involved father than he actually wants to be.

Op here. Thank you for the objective read. What do you think is the right choice if that is the situation. Be less accommodating? Expect he won't be involved and just plan on that? Or push him to take more time and force him to become an involved parent (several people have given me this advice in real life, but I have my doubts about what it looks like in practice)?

We agreed on every other weekend and every other Wednesday from after school to after dinner. On average, he cancels about 3 times a year. They FaceTime 3 or 4 times a week.

Anonymous wrote:OP do you really want to continue to run your life around this man's work schedule? I understand if you want to maximize your time with your kids, but his late nights and travel are not your responsibility anymore! I would really, really think hard before you tell him he can keep his current habits when he no longer has a wife to pick up his slack.

Whatever you are considering, imagine as a thought experiment that your kids are having to do this with a new stepmother that they dislike, and new step-babies. Because that's potentially where this is headed. Mr. Important Job Mans often swap in a new woman because they can't really work and parent simultaneously on their own.

Thank you for this response. I think you are correct on both points above. I think for your first point, I need to think about the set schedule and holding boundaries (not flexing for him). At the same time, I feel like your point in #2 makes me lean toward sticking with the plan to take the lion's share of the parenting time. I do expect a stepmother at some point. I do not expect a stepfather. But I don't want to look back when my children are teens and regret decisions I made now because I didn't know any better.

Anonymous wrote:are the kids resisting being at the fathers?

Kids’ ages? Genders?

Is he the 30/20?

I think there is more to what you are saying. If both parents are on board with the arrangement then it’s really simple to file a mutually-agreed upon parenting plan with specifics or even one without any specifics depending on your jurisdiction. I’m guessing you actually have worries about your DH’s ability to commit to a real plan and questions about your kids’ resistance to being with him. I wouldn’t suggest a full parenting evaluation or whatever it’s called in your state, but what’s really going on here? Is your DH pushing for more time than he can reasonably commit to and your kids don’t want to be with him, and DH expects you to flex around his schedule? If so, I’m currently in that situation and a casual understanding is just not going to cut it. “Cooperative” and “coparenting” are not compatible with a parent who has an inflexible and unpredictable schedule and is typically just marketing language from that person or their attorney to get a more favorable outcome.

Sorry to sound paranoid but you’re raising a lot of red flags here.

Thank you. This is exactly the type of gut check I am looking for. Yes, he's the 30/20. The children are the same gender (first and third grade).

I'm second guessing myself agreeing to 70-80 percent - even though I want to be with my children as much as possible - if it's letting him off the hook for parenting in some way. And if it's better for them to spend more time with their father, and/or I will regret as we get further into this and it's constantly me flexing to accommodate him.

It's hard to tell if my kids truly don't want to be with him, or it's just something they say when they don't get their way, or they are feeling anxious about transitioning between two homes.

This reads like he isn't very interested in parenting time and you are trying to be extremely accommodating in the hopes that he will be a more involved father than he actually wants to be.

OP do you really want to continue to run your life around this man's work schedule? I understand if you want to maximize your time with your kids, but his late nights and travel are not your responsibility anymore! I would really, really think hard before you tell him he can keep his current habits when he no longer has a wife to pick up his slack.

Whatever you are considering, imagine as a thought experiment that your kids are having to do this with a new stepmother that they dislike, and new step-babies. Because that's potentially where this is headed. Mr. Important Job Mans often swap in a new woman because they can't really work and parent simultaneously on their own.

IMO the best thing would be for your STBX to get a different job or expert some boundaries at work, rather than leaning on his ex-wife to be constantly on call and skipping out on his parenting time on short notice. If your real goal is stability and parent involvement, his chaotic work schedule isn't going to be conducive to that. I also do not think 80/20 is in their best interests if he is a competent parent. 20 just isn't enough, period. They'll realize he doesn't want the time with them badly enough to change jobs.

You need to really consider why your STBX is okay with 20%, and has gotten an apartment in a less convenient place that requires them to share a room. It's almost like he doesn't care about having them much...

Yes it is typical for kids to resist either the new home itself or the requirement that they transition. Nobody wants to live in two houses, that is why! It's a pain. It's time-consuming. It takes up their bandwidth. As they become tweens and teens, they may resist it more, because they will be feeling a drive for autonomy. And if they come to dislike either home for whatever reason (logistical, shared room, new stepfamily, whatever), then they'll resist it because of that.

are the kids resisting being at the fathers?

Kids’ ages? Genders?

Is he the 30/20?

I think there is more to what you are saying. If both parents are on board with the arrangement then it’s really simple to file a mutually-agreed upon parenting plan with specifics or even one without any specifics depending on your jurisdiction. I’m guessing you actually have worries about your DH’s ability to commit to a real plan and questions about your kids’ resistance to being with him. I wouldn’t suggest a full parenting evaluation or whatever it’s called in your state, but what’s really going on here? Is your DH pushing for more time than he can reasonably commit to and your kids don’t want to be with him, and DH expects you to flex around his schedule? If so, I’m currently in that situation and a casual understanding is just not going to cut it. “Cooperative” and “coparenting” are not compatible with a parent who has an inflexible and unpredictable schedule and is typically just marketing language from that person or their attorney to get a more favorable outcome.

Sorry to sound paranoid but you’re raising a lot of red flags here.

Looking for some wisdom or "been there done that" advice on our situation. Assume a best-interest standard rather than a default 50/50 setup, with both parents currently cooperative and focused on co-parenting effectively. The children are in early elementary school.

Both parents work and can afford some childcare support (afterschool coverage and occasional babysitting). I (the mother) have historically managed the children’s lives and routines—drop-off, pick-up, bedtime—and have a more flexible job. The father’s work can include unexpected early mornings, late nights, and travel. We both agree that an every-other-week 50/50 schedule isn’t the best fit for our family right now. The children’s school and friends are near our home, which we both agree I will keep. The father’s apartment is farther from school and smaller (the kids share a room there).

We are discussing something closer to a 70/30 or 80/20 schedule to keep routines consistent, while still giving both parents meaningful time with the kids. I’d love to hear from anyone who’s found a schedule along these lines that works well for children of this age. We would like to balance stability, parent involvement, and time for each parent to recharge.

For those who have been through similar transitions, did your arrangements evolve as your kids got older, and if so, what worked best long-term? Also, is it typical for kids to initially resist time at the other parent’s new home, even when the co-parenting relationship is positive?