Is he able to go to the same school as his friends? If not, he will be isolated wherever he goes. Just because there are lots of people around doesn't mean he won't have a period of loneliness and adjustment.

I would really push the idea that there are different paths in life. It's okay to not do what everyone else is doing.

I knew many high achievers in high school who failed out their first year away at college because they got depressed or they partied too much. I knew some who went to commuter schools and worked at the same time. All ended up graduating and are doing roughly the same now. Yes, some took longer but so what? In the end, the goal is getting the degree. Talk to him and understand what his best chance of success is.

What does he want to major in?

There are many different paths. Nothing wrong with choosing a nearby college or community college and commuting. It's shortsighted to think dorm-living is only path to independence.

Anonymous wrote:DS who has severe ADHD and hates school, wants to live at home and commute. He is very social and I am trying to figure out if we should just have him go the Junior College route or find a school that allows commuters. I am worried that when all his friends leave for college that he is going to feel very isolated.

OP, if he is that social, he will make new friends. Yes, his current high school friends will move on.

But I'm not sure what the issue is here. Junior College is a fine option as is a local 4-year as a commuter. I would be more concerned with the "hates school" part. What does he want to do with his life?

This option is definitely cheaper. When I was in college, I know many people who did this. Even some who commuted from DC to Baltimore. And it worked for them. A guy I know saved enough money to buy his first home for his college sweetheart and their eventual family. Living on campus can be overwhelming and isolating, it isn't for everyone.

My nephews both did that. I would recommend going straight to the 4-yr university vs. CC if possible. It can take a while to get involved in activities, get to know professors, start to make friends as a commuter but then you have to start all over again if you transfer. And, most students I know who tried CC->4 yr end up with some issues around credits and have to take >4 yrs to graduate.

Nephew #1 is taking 5 years to finish and #2 looks on track to take 6 years after a couple transfers.

Isn't this a kid who should be pursuing a trade and not going to college?

Are there local schools? For example, my child could easily go to nvcc or Mason. Or even Marymount in Arlington.

If that is an option, I don’t see a problem. For cost purposes, you might want to do community/junior college.

I know plenty of people who did that. Not everyone wants to live party dorm life. He will meet people in class. Personally I would prefer it that way. I had to move DD out of the dorm bc it was a nonstop party and enormous stress on those who like quiet and solitude.

I don't have a college student yet, but I have friends who've gone through this. One DS wanted to commute, parents convinced/encouraged/forced (?) him to live on campus, and there was a suicide attempt before end of first semester. Not saying this is common at all, but make sure you understand the real concerns behind the request (anxiety, laziness, something else). In this case, it was the inability to socialize and becoming completely overwhelmed to the point of a breakdown.

There is also a guide to raising teen daughters that makes the same point--make sure your kid is developmentally ready for college when it's time, because not everyone is, people mature at different timelines, and you don't want to send off a kid into the world before they are ready. Sometimes you have to do something less mainstream, like a year off, starting off as a commuter, etc. What are your child's long-term goals? Is this his way of telling you he doesn't want to go to college at all, or is it really about dorm life/something else?

Not sure why living at home will help with the hating of school being away was the part where my kids who hate school made them like it.

Let him. He's identified what he needs to succeed and told you. That's fantastic! FWIW, I commuted to college because of poverty. Graduated on time, got into my choice grad school and got an assistantship so it was free. I was social too but socialized with people at work and others who commuted. Not sure you are in the DMV but there are so many schools here, and young adults, that your child will easily be able to be social and succeed in school, with your support.

You should be proud of you. You provide a great home environment that allows him to succeed when he's out of the home. Remember that the ADHD brain takes in way more information than NT brains do. So coming to his familiar, safe and happy home after college gives his brain relief that a dorm room will not.

Anonymous wrote:Hates school AND has no interest in being part of the campus scene? That's a recipe for not making it past freshman year. Tell him to pull himself together.

Yes, that will cure him



If your son makes an effort to get involved with the school activities, he will make friends.

Maybe he's telling you what he can handle and how he plans to succeed at college

A neighbor's son graduated without applying to any colleges. Took him a couple of years - friends came home, friends were successful at college, friends moved on. I think it took a little while of him seeing that to motivate him.

He ended up doing two years at Community College (while living at home), then transferred and finished College in VA. Then went on to law school.

Some kids just need a little extra time?

Hates school AND has no interest in being part of the campus scene? That's a recipe for not making it past freshman year. Tell him to pull himself together.

DS who has severe ADHD and hates school, wants to live at home and commute. He is very social and I am trying to figure out if we should just have him go the Junior College route or find a school that allows commuters. I am worried that when all his friends leave for college that he is going to feel very isolated.