You most likely don’t need to go to everything. I’d consider what is the minimum that you need to participate? Once a week? Once every other week? That may be more doable.

It’s okay to be selective about the events you go to. If they’re purely social events and not about building revenue generating business, I’d go much more rarely. If it isn’t crystal clear to you which types of events matter, ask people above you what types of events they think matter for advancement in your field/organization/line of work. Ask men and women with children and other caregiving roles within your organization what events they attend and how they decide. Ask them what events they regretted missing out on.

Also consider shifting some of these evening gatherings into midday lunches, coffee breaks, or exercise classes. Happy hours after work aren’t the only option. If heavy duty socializing truly is an essential job function, I’m willing to bet that you’ll find other people want alternative options to the after hour happy hour. They’re probably bored by it by this point in their career.

Also, I have to say that it’s reasonable to miss a night at home. Whether you want to spend it working is a valid question (I personally spend my night off going to yoga class), but it’s not all or nothing. You will probably end up a happier parent

Anonymous wrote:If your job requires a lot of happy hours and socializing after hours, do you go to everything or did you scale back after kids? I work in advertising and trying to imagine how I could make it work after kids

My team goes to weekly happy hours. I’m the only one with small kids. I try to go every other time unless my spouse is traveling. Works okay for me.

Anonymous wrote:The goal is to be successful enough once you have kids that you no longer have to do the after-hours slog. I'm in sales; I used to work exhibit shows at night, jump at every dinner opportunity, go on every trip. Now, I do none of that. I put in the dues in my 20s and the first half of my 30s, then I had kids, and I only work normal business hours.

so what is your purpose but to abuse your staff?

The goal is to be successful enough once you have kids that you no longer have to do the after-hours slog. I'm in sales; I used to work exhibit shows at night, jump at every dinner opportunity, go on every trip. Now, I do none of that. I put in the dues in my 20s and the first half of my 30s, then I had kids, and I only work normal business hours.

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thank you! I’m really curious to hear why the company specific social capital wasn’t a good use of your time. I feel like you hear so much of the opposite - but the best performers I know keep coworkers at a distance especially.

It was a high-turnover organization, and my options in my field when I left had nothing to do with whether my senior manager liked me or whatever. And at this point, a job with mandatory evening socializing would be competing not just against being with my kids, but also external paid consulting and against industry networking events, which have been a lot more useful to me. And I can invite coworkers to those as well.

Anonymous wrote:If your job requires a lot of happy hours and socializing after hours, do you go to everything or did you scale back after kids? I work in advertising and trying to imagine how I could make it work after kids

I quit. But, I had a much more intense job that wasn't 9-5, and supervisors weren't supportive of me having a child. Social work doesn't generally have happy hours and socializing. The only way to make it work is to take a 9-5 government job or be a therapist with your own hours. The pay isn't great.

Op here, thank you! I’m really curious to hear why the company specific social capital wasn’t a good use of your time. I feel like you hear so much of the opposite - but the best performers I know keep coworkers at a distance especially.

I left a job in part because the hours weren't sustainable, and networking expectations were some of that. My kids were 1 and 3 at the time.

As they got older I was able to start doing more evening networking stuff, but I still wouldn't work at a job where there was mandatory after-hours socializing. Looking back on it, getting that kind of company-specific social capital was a really bad use of my time.

If your job requires a lot of happy hours and socializing after hours, do you go to everything or did you scale back after kids? I work in advertising and trying to imagine how I could make it work after kids