Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 20+ years. For context, I smoked a little marijuana in college and am not against it. I would be interested in trying some of the ultra low-dose cocktails but am a federal employee. My DH has always been very much against it and, to my knowledge, never tried it up until (possibly) recently. I was looking for a check which migrated from a universal location to my DH’s desk drawer when I found buzz drops. I asked him about them in a lighthearted way and he responded with annoyance and said he didn’t tell me because he cant talk about stuff like this with me and I would use it against him. That’s when it became clear he had every intention of hiding it from me. I feel so betrayed and don’t know whether I can trust him. Not only do I think it’s wrong to hide something like that but it’s also wrong that, instead of owning it, he blamed me. I could use advice on how to approach a discussion on this. And, what do I do if I’m not satisfied with the resolution? I’m just not okay with keeping stuff from one another.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not going to solve this without first working on your defensiveness and behavior that causes your husband to hide things. His statement that you would use it against him is an incredibly powerful statement about your behavior.

OP here- I’m not saying our marriage is perfect and I agree that whatever is behind that statement is also a problem. Over the past year, my DH started drinking every night, sometimes the equivalent of 4-5 hard alcohol drinks. He decided to do “dry January” and told me that I should mention it when he broke the rules. After “dry January” ended (mid-January), I mentioned a couple more times that I thought the amount he was drinking might not be healthy. He got defensive about it so I stopped. That might be what he means, but like I said, we have not discussed it yet.

Anonymous wrote:You’re not going to solve this without first working on your defensiveness and behavior that causes your husband to hide things. His statement that you would use it against him is an incredibly powerful statement about your behavior.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have minor kids? If so, that would really make me angry - because he’s a parent that needs to be available to take care of them, drive in case of emergency, etc. and him hiding if he is impaired is not compatible with that. On the talking front, I would definitely address that you deserve to be aware if he is under the influence. Also, if you do have kids, presumably they could have found his drops as easy as you did. Generally, it sounds like he has or is developing substance abuse issues. Maybe you start the conversation by telling him you are worried about that.

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 20+ years. For context, I smoked a little marijuana in college and am not against it. I would be interested in trying some of the ultra low-dose cocktails but am a federal employee. My DH has always been very much against it and, to my knowledge, never tried it up until (possibly) recently. I was looking for a check which migrated from a universal location to my DH’s desk drawer when I found buzz drops. I asked him about them in a lighthearted way and he responded with annoyance and said he didn’t tell me because he cant talk about stuff like this with me and I would use it against him. That’s when it became clear he had every intention of hiding it from me. I feel so betrayed and don’t know whether I can trust him. Not only do I think it’s wrong to hide something like that but it’s also wrong that, instead of owning it, he blamed me. I could use advice on how to approach a discussion on this. And, what do I do if I’m not satisfied with the resolution? I’m just not okay with keeping stuff from one another.

Anonymous wrote:You’re not going to solve this without first working on your defensiveness and behavior that causes your husband to hide things. His statement that you would use it against him is an incredibly powerful statement about your behavior.