Two years ago, we went through the process with an open mind, doing everything the school asked—testing, counseling, meetings, outside support, etc. This was at a relatively rigorous school.

Unfortunately, our experience with the school’s Learning Specialist was not as supportive as we’d hoped. There was little transparency, and interactions felt very transactional and impersonal, especially given that the tuition was among the highest in the area for DMV private schools.

While the school offered some support—or at least made it appear they did—much of the recommended assistance came from outside sources, which we were strongly “encouraged” to hire.

Although we worked hard to take advantage of the opportunities provided and did see some improvements, it became clear that the school was seeking a very specific student profile: athletic, social, and with minimal learning differences. Over time, communication dwindled, discussions shifted toward “fit,” and we ultimately decided to apply elsewhere.

DC’s current school, also considered rigorous in the area, has incorporated more age-appropriate expectations and better support in the classroom. Unlike the previous school, the classroom teachers here are actually empowered and equipped with the skills and tools to teach students the skills they need to succeed. There doesn’t seem to be an over-reliance on just the Learning Specialist’s evaluations and strategies.

We were very upfront with the new school about our child’s experiences and needs when we started, and the school has been both open and proactive in working with our child. They’ve never made it feel like a deficit or labeled our child’s needs as a shortcoming. Sometimes, it just comes down to finding the right fit.

I have only my experience to share.

My kid struggled in kindergarten, her first year in private school. She was having difficulties behaviorally, socially, and academically. The school was exceptionally kind and accommodating, while also insisting that we get her evaluated. We did, and she was diagnosed with autism. By the spring, we decided to move her to a school with more experience with her needs. They never said we had to leave, but it was clear. I will forever be grateful to them for being kind, clear, and direct about our daughter's difficulties.

If your child has a disability, it is always appropriate to advocate for the support they need, but also be open to the need for a different school. Most private schools only do a few things well and it benefits no one to keep trying beyond a school's expertise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP, have similar questions…once started on that path, typically how likely do things actually turn around?

That’s really going to depend on what the problem is and how responsive the child (and sometimes the parents, who aren’t always receptive to hearing about or dealing with issues with their precious angel offspring) are to making needed changes.

Plus, no one here is going to have any data beyond their own experience at how often students are counseled out, or how often student issues are caught and fixed before having to be counseled out.

Agree you can’t speak to others’ experiences but if asked a different way, for those who have actually gone through the process, can anyone share if things have actually turned around?

Anonymous wrote:NP, have similar questions…once started on that path, typically how likely do things actually turn around?

That’s really going to depend on what the problem is and how responsive the child (and sometimes the parents, who aren’t always receptive to hearing about or dealing with issues with their precious angel offspring) are to making needed changes.

Plus, no one here is going to have any data beyond their own experience at how often students are counseled out, or how often student issues are caught and fixed before having to be counseled out.

NP, have similar questions…once started on that path, typically how likely do things actually turn around?

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in meetings that are part of the counseling-out process.

It starts by meeting with the parents outside of a typical parent-teacher conference. As a previous poster mentioned, the concern is always academic achievement or behavior. If it’s behavioral, the issue is usually affecting the academic performance of that child or other children in the classroom.

The purpose of initial meetings is almost always to get appropriate support in place for the student. The school will share what resources they can reasonably provide (varies a lot by school) while also stating expectations for the family—neuropsychological testing, using a tutor, etc. Then the school monitors to see if the student can catch up to academic and/or behavioral expectations once supports are in place.

Were the resources (testing results, support) helpful and/or used appropriately?

I’ve been in meetings that are part of the counseling-out process.

It starts by meeting with the parents outside of a typical parent-teacher conference. As a previous poster mentioned, the concern is always academic achievement or behavior. If it’s behavioral, the issue is usually affecting the academic performance of that child or other children in the classroom.

The purpose of initial meetings is almost always to get appropriate support in place for the student. The school will share what resources they can reasonably provide (varies a lot by school) while also stating expectations for the family—neuropsychological testing, using a tutor, etc. Then the school monitors to see if the student can catch up to academic and/or behavioral expectations once supports are in place.

OP, many, many students have anxiety as well as learning profiles these days. Even the most rigorous schools try to meet the need or they'd be out of business. Try not to get anxious yourself because your child will pick up on it and it'll just make things worse. Help him/her to make friends. Talk to the education center (all schools have one) about support and possibly getting a diagnosis. It's worse to avoid understanding your child's challenges due to fear of some label. Having an LD doesn't mean your child isn't just as bright or brighter than their sibling.

There are some very rigorous schools that do a better job than others in destigmatizing a learning difference. I hope you're at one of them instead of one of the ones that pretends that 20% of their students don't have a diagnosis.

Anonymous wrote:by unimaginable commute, how long are we talking?

Not OP, but I would guess the logistics of juggling kids at two different schools is a large part of what makes it unmanageable, not just the actual length/distance.

by unimaginable commute, how long are we talking?

It sounds like you might suspect a learning difference, OP. You mention it twice. It might be helpful to get ahead of the game by getting your child an assessment. If there is an issue, you can start to address it before it becomes a problem that might make the school try to counsel out your child. You don’t even necessarily have to share the results with the school if you can manage the issue without their cooperation and are afraid they would push your child out reflexively without actually seeing if that’s the best course.

At the end of the day, these schools want the kids to be successful and happy. Not every school is right for every kid, so they will want to try to make the right fit if the current institution isn't going to work. It usually take a couple of years to know, so if this is your kids first year at the school, I wouldn't worry about it too much, though you will want to pay close attention to the homeroom teacher's comments when you have parent meetings.

Anonymous wrote:You may find some older discussions if you use the search term "counseling out" instead.

The main reasons are academic struggle (no matter the reason) and disruptive behavior. But they don't usually counsel a kid out until after trying various interventions.

+1

You may find some older discussions if you use the search term "counseling out" instead.

The main reasons are academic struggle (no matter the reason) and disruptive behavior. But they don't usually counsel a kid out until after trying various interventions.

We have two DCs previously at different privates but commute has gotten unmanageable. One is very bright and social (comfortable in her skin) but can sometimes be less focused, while the other is very focused but somewhat introverted and can be socially anxious. We just transitioned to a rigorous private and so far they seem to be doing well but have heard of the school being very quick to coach kids out at the first sign of learning differences.

What are some of the early signs of coaching out at high pressure, rigorous private schools?

Does this happen more often in elementary, middle or high school?

Are there specific students who tend to be more “targeted” in these high pressure environments? Social anxiety, attention, learning differences. Thanks in advance.