Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worked with kids like this. Each time he teases someone, he needs to write an apology note to that person and deliver it. The note should consist of four sentences at least and acknowledge what he did, apologize for it, say that it hurt the other kid’s feelings and was not okay, and promise to not do it again. He will get tired of doing this. It reinforces that we need to make amends when we hurt others. It will be very effective if you are consistent.

Wow. This is a great idea

Thanks! It is a great idea.

Anonymous wrote:I worked with kids like this. Each time he teases someone, he needs to write an apology note to that person and deliver it. The note should consist of four sentences at least and acknowledge what he did, apologize for it, say that it hurt the other kid’s feelings and was not okay, and promise to not do it again. He will get tired of doing this. It reinforces that we need to make amends when we hurt others. It will be very effective if you are consistent.

Wow. This is a great idea

I worked with kids like this. Each time he teases someone, he needs to write an apology note to that person and deliver it. The note should consist of four sentences at least and acknowledge what he did, apologize for it, say that it hurt the other kid’s feelings and was not okay, and promise to not do it again. He will get tired of doing this. It reinforces that we need to make amends when we hurt others. It will be very effective if you are consistent.

I'm the PP who suggested considering repair/apologizing.

I made this suggestion as a mother of a shy girl who dealt with a hyperactive, teasing boy every day for the last school year (2nd grade public). It was horrible and I was furious—every day she was teased, had her chair kicked, interrupted, talked over, accused of various nonsense. We would coach her to stand up for herself and he didn't even hear it. He did the same to other classmates but most kids were less affected by it.

The teachers and parents tried so many things (changing his seat ten times, various meds they were candid about, therapies, trips to the principal's office). Nothing helped. Literally his behavior was the same from Day 1 to Day 200, and my understanding is that there has been no change since that year. My daughter didn't get used to it and only grew more stressed; we were all relieved when the year was over and regretted not asking to switch classes.

If the boy had ever apologized to her or tried to repair, it could have helped calm her fight or flight reactions and help her contextualize things as less scary (since he wasn't physically aggressive). It might have humanized him. It might have given her a break. OF COURSE I wish he had stopped or been moved. But when this is the reality, it's helpful to think of any ways to make the experience less upsetting to other kids.

Have you read any social stories or books on friendship? I recommend it all the time but my DC really like “growing friendships”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a boy like this in my daughter’s grade and it’s very hard on certain kids. IMHO parents and teachers focus too much on prevention and not enough on repair.

Prevention seems like a pipe dream at this point (and the panicked adults only make the boy more stressed). I would work on apologizing in moments when he feels more in control. Then even if he does it again it doesn’t hurt as much for the more sensitive kids—they will start to take his teasing with a grain of salt. Hopefully then they will be less judgmental which will also help your son’s impulse control…

WTF. you want to condition the kids that are getting picked on? you want them to be less judgemental when they are the ones getting hurt? As long as someone says sorry, it is ok for them to keep doing it? so if my kid is getting hit all the time by OP's kid at some point, my kid should just take it with a grain of salt? again, WTF

To be clear, my son isn’t aggressive. I know that’s not the point you’re making.

He just wants to be socially accepted and he seems to be enjoying that other kids are laughing when he says not so nice things.

Thanks to a PP who talked about giving a compliment instead of a negative comment.

We have him in a social skills group as well and are working on strategies with his teacher.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t really matter why he is doing it. The school just needs to give appropriate consequences that you reinforce at home.

Disagree strongly. You can’t stop behavior without knowing what is causing it.

Yes you can. You absolutely can.

It can be helpful to give a substitute for when he is feeling like that (wanting to be funny/connect but not sure how to do it effectively.)

I mean ideally he wouldn’t be doing silly stuff or be off task but i would meet him where he is and focus first on not hurting kids feelings (which of course is good for those kids but also very good for your son bc acting like this is going to naturally cause kids to avoid him.)

I’d acknowledge the feeling and maybe role play with other options, like a short joke or something. Think of this like nicotine gum rather than cigarettes (meaning he’s probably not going to be able to substitute social ease and on task behavior immediately just as smokers don’t substitute kale for cigarettes.)

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:We have a boy like this in my daughter’s grade and it’s very hard on certain kids. IMHO parents and teachers focus too much on prevention and not enough on repair.

Prevention seems like a pipe dream at this point (and the panicked adults only make the boy more stressed). I would work on apologizing in moments when he feels more in control. Then even if he does it again it doesn’t hurt as much for the more sensitive kids—they will start to take his teasing with a grain of salt. Hopefully then they will be less judgmental which will also help your son’s impulse control…

WTF. you want to condition the kids that are getting picked on? you want them to be less judgemental when they are the ones getting hurt? As long as someone says sorry, it is ok for them to keep doing it? so if my kid is getting hit all the time by OP's kid at some point, my kid should just take it with a grain of salt? again, WTF

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t really matter why he is doing it. The school just needs to give appropriate consequences that you reinforce at home.

Disagree strongly. You can’t stop behavior without knowing what is causing it.

We have a boy like this in my daughter’s grade and it’s very hard on certain kids. IMHO parents and teachers focus too much on prevention and not enough on repair.

Prevention seems like a pipe dream at this point (and the panicked adults only make the boy more stressed). I would work on apologizing in moments when he feels more in control. Then even if he does it again it doesn’t hurt as much for the more sensitive kids—they will start to take his teasing with a grain of salt. Hopefully then they will be less judgmental which will also help your son’s impulse control…

It doesn’t really matter why he is doing it. The school just needs to give appropriate consequences that you reinforce at home.

ABA

Talk to him about positive attention and negative attention. Calling names gets you one and compliments get you the other.

My adhd son (7, medicated) has been teasing others at school - not in a targeted way, just impulsively using words like calling them a baby etc.

How do I address this with him - I am sure it stems from his trying to connect socially, as he can be socially awkward. He got ashamed and avoidant when I tried to talk about it with him.

I know the behavior isn’t ok. Any suggestions welcome.

He is medicated for his adhd but he gets side effects which has prevented us from increasing his dose.