I would check out AskAManager.com

There are lots of questions similar to this one, and lots of good advice for new managers.

I like 16:51's advice. Sticking to work, not being distracted by tears, staying focused on the feedback and looking ahead to the future. Be matter of fact, offer them a moment to collect themselves, but proceed.

It’s not a you problem. It’s a them problem for sure. Maybe they do have trauma from a recent experience. Maybe they are manipulating you. Maybe they cry all the time anytime the emotions are heightened (I had one of those once).

Here’s the thing.
It doesn’t matter. You aren’t a therapist. You’re the manager.

So say things like ‘I know you had a difficult manager in the past… while some of that may still linger for you I want us to focus on the now…. I intend for us to have a positive working relationship not a negative or traumatic one, and It’s important to me that you understand my intentions as your new manager…. Having said that, there are performance issues occurring today that we need to discuss….’

Anonymous wrote:i call troll.

you cant become a manager without knowing this is a thing.

Knowing it's a thing and then having to deal with it are two different things. Plus this sounds like it's beyond the norm with employee acting like they have PTSD from an abusive work environment and that's preventing them from not only being able to do their job well but also take any feedback to make improvements. It leaves OP in a difficult situation

Op, give them some stern comments -- this is about the work.

It is not, and should never be, about their "feelings"

Tell them to find another place to work if they won't adapt.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All feedback in writing. Person references past trauma so it sounds like a them problem. I obviously don’t say that but feel as though they are skirting responsibility and trying to avoid future constructive feedback. I don’t know how to respond when someone cries about a past employer abusing them. It’s awkward and raising red flags.

What past trauma and how does that relate to the feedback.

I have documented past trauma (workplace and otherwise), but it has literally only come up twice in my entire career. Once when a male colleague got extremely hostile and combative, that triggered some responses from an abusive past relationship. The behavior was unprofessional regardless, so I didn't have to share the trauma. Another time when I felt very strongly, with incidents I could point to, that a male colleague was being dismissive and uncooperative based on my gender. This time I did share prior experiences where there was clear gender bias at work with my manager to show how they linked to the current behaviors, but I didn't specifically cite this as trauma even though I was probably more emotional about it.

Employees are people and they have lives and history, so you will sometimes have to account for it. But this doesn't seem reasonable.

i call troll.

you cant become a manager without knowing this is a thing.

Anonymous wrote:Are you male and the workers are female?

Is your workplace toxic? How often are you happy at work?

Are you actively reviewing people to be cut/fired and everybody knows that's in the wind?

Do these workers have access to training, mentoring, or anything else to close the performance gap besides your identification of deficiencies?

I have made changes to make the job easier for them where they struggled. It was a lot of work for me to do that but want them to be successful. Spent a lot of time training them, maybe too much? I’m a new manager so not involved in firing and nothing like that at my job.

Ignore tears and focus on what the problem is and what you want them to do to change it. Managing their feelings is their job, not yours. If they reference trauma, remind them of resources your company has that involve mental health benefits. You can always say "Why don't you step out to get a sip of water and pull yourself together before we continue." And then stand up and open the door so they'll leave your office. If you're on Zoom say "Why don't we reconnect in two days to finish this meeting once you've had a chance to calm down and pulll yourself together." The onus is on them to behave professionally.

Anonymous wrote:If people are crying during your performance reviews, it’s probably a you problem.

Feedback should never be a surprise.

That said, some people may get emotional when receiving feedback. If they are just getting choked up but otherwise responsive and receptive to the feedback, ignore it and hand them a tissue. If they’re arguing and engaging in histrionics to avoid accountability, end the conversation and say you will deliver your feedback in writing.

OP, here. This is not a performance review. Real time constructive feedback. I also give praise and make sure that is documented. Try to do the right thing. This is all new to me and want to be a good manager.

OP here. All feedback in writing. Person references past trauma so it sounds like a them problem. I obviously don’t say that but feel as though they are skirting responsibility and trying to avoid future constructive feedback. I don’t know how to respond when someone cries about a past employer abusing them. It’s awkward and raising red flags.

Anonymous wrote:New manager and not sure this is for me.

Is it common that when handling performance issues an employee turns the discussion into a conversation about their feelings rather than the work? How can you hold people accountable who feel like any remotely uncomfortable discussion will make them cry?

It feels like I have to spend hours prepping written and verbal conversation to counteract this landmine. How do you navigate this?

Like you said, you prep and you stay kind but matter of fact and refuse to be drawn in. It’s not about their feelings, it’s the work.

And there are lots of people who ignore feedback. I had an employee once whom I told on every assignment exactly what was wrong and reminded him multiple times to fix it. At the middle and year-end reviews he screamed at me and complained I never told him anything and I shouldn’t even have my job because I was younger than others in the office. Good times. I had another employee who did excellent work and seemed happy, and when asked would claim she was happy, and then at performance review time would literally sob about being unhappy. Sometimes it really isn’t you. Sometimes it is, or both. You get used to it.

Are you male and the workers are female?

Is your workplace toxic? How often are you happy at work?

Are you actively reviewing people to be cut/fired and everybody knows that's in the wind?

Do these workers have access to training, mentoring, or anything else to close the performance gap besides your identification of deficiencies?

Just tell them all feelings are ok, offer tissues and signal to security

If people are crying during your performance reviews, it’s probably a you problem.

Feedback should never be a surprise.

That said, some people may get emotional when receiving feedback. If they are just getting choked up but otherwise responsive and receptive to the feedback, ignore it and hand them a tissue. If they’re arguing and engaging in histrionics to avoid accountability, end the conversation and say you will deliver your feedback in writing.

New manager and not sure this is for me.

Is it common that when handling performance issues an employee turns the discussion into a conversation about their feelings rather than the work? How can you hold people accountable who feel like any remotely uncomfortable discussion will make them cry?

It feels like I have to spend hours prepping written and verbal conversation to counteract this landmine. How do you navigate this?