Anonymous wrote:You dont seem to want advice. I would also recommend to commit but not marry. This is the least complicated phase. It will get more so with children's spouses and grandkids.

Can you describe how it gets more difficult with spouses and grandchildren? Once adult children are out living their lives, presumably they are less enmeshed in OP and her guy's lives. Maybe if there are issues in the future, OP and her guy can visit their adult kids/grandkids separately rather than host them at their house together?

Anonymous wrote:You dont seem to want advice. I would also recommend to commit but not marry. This is the least complicated phase. It will get more so with children's spouses and grandkids.

This. Children in college and in their twenties are often the lowest-maintenance children. They'll have graduations, they'll buy a house, they'll get engaged and marry, they'll have kids, and they will want their parents' time and attention to recognize and participate in all of it. And that's the best-case scenario! If anything actually bad happens, like say a major illness, being the parent of adult children can become tremendously time-consuming.

I have a friend engaged to a divorced dad with an adult daughter, and that aspect of their relationship has been turmoil for her for a long time. The daughter and dad had a very close relationship where, after the divorce, she was like a caregiver, confidant, or emotional support system for her dad, so any new woman in his life is in the position of encroaching on what she believed to be her role. It's bad enough that it will probably end their engagement.

You dont seem to want advice. I would also recommend to commit but not marry. This is the least complicated phase. It will get more so with children's spouses and grandkids.

Serious question: why the need to get married?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

I would break up with him just for taking 8 years to establish a cordial relationship. Maybe he would have done it on his own, maybe not, but either way it's unappealing.

You are signing up to play life on the hard setting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

Well, I don't think you're going to be willing or able to actually do the things that would make it easier for her. Honestly, stepfamily and stepsiblings are not always a good deal for adult children of divorce. Maybe your marriage will benefit his daughter in the long run, if you take care of him when he's old and you don't divorce. But it might not turn out that way. And there's no way you can credibly promise to do that-- it's basically a promise to stay married outlive him. And if she's still pretty young she might not even be thinking about that as a benefit you bring.

You need to open your eyes here. It's not just that it's hard for her emotionally! You say you are not in competition with her, but you 1000% are, and she knows it. You're proposing to consume a tremendous amount of his time and energy. You'll be wanting him to spend time with your extended family, and to play grandpa to your son's children if there are any. All that cuts into the time he has available for her and her future children. She won't be able to visit her father, ever, without potentially dealing with you and maybe your son and maybe your extended family too. Except when you so benevolently encourage 1:1 time so she gets what little you're willing to give her. And remember, she might not like you and your son as much as she's letting you think. (Wow, you went shopping one time in three years, that does not prove you are besties).

And if you're really not in competition, then you're going to have a prenup so that her potential inheritance stays exactly the same as it is now, right? Because if you don't, then the day you marry, her potential inheritance decreases dramatically-- maybe to zero. If you're really not in competition and she has nothing to lose here, put your money where your mouth is.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am dating a divorced dad with sons only.

If I had my own bio kids, I would like to have a daughter. I have lots of female friends. I am not a "guys girl" type. BUT ever dating divorced dads for several years, I came to the conclusion it's best to avoid dating men with daughters. Many, many daughters have issues with their dad's girlfriends/wives. It's just a thing.

No advice, really. just a warning - that's difficult.

I previously dated a divorced man who only had one child and he had a daughter. It was nearly impossible and I ended up breaking up with him. I don't think he ever found another long-term relationship. My boyfriend says that his daughter really likes me and enjoys spending time with me and she has never openly expressed jealousy or discomfort with me, but when we are together, I can often tell that she feels a bit sad that her father has a new person in her life. There were issues with the last girlfriend, but she was much younger at the time and it seems that there was competition with the gf's daughter. I have a really good relationship with my boyfriend and he is very supportive of me.

OP, I am dating a divorced dad with sons only.

If I had my own bio kids, I would like to have a daughter. I have lots of female friends. I am not a "guys girl" type. BUT ever dating divorced dads for several years, I came to the conclusion it's best to avoid dating men with daughters. Many, many daughters have issues with their dad's girlfriends/wives. It's just a thing.

No advice, really. just a warning - that's difficult.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

Don’t get married. Just keep things the way they are. It will get too complicated financially and emotionally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I are thinking about getting married within the next couple of years. I am a single parent and my son is a freshman in college. His father is deceased. My boyfriend is divorced (8 years) and he has two children (both in college). I have met his ex-wife and we have a few friendly exchanges. They had a difficult divorce, but with my help and encouragement, he has been able to move forward and be on at least cordial terms with his ex-wife. The kids often stay with us and everyone generally gets along well and I also encourage him to spend alone time with them. He is very close with his daughter and sometimes, I feel that it is difficult for her to see her father happy with another women again and moving forward with life. He thinks that I'm imagining it, but I have a lot of intuition and I want to make sure that she knows that I'm not here to compete for her father's attention and that she will always remain a priority in his life and that I am also here to support her. My boyfriend has been wonderful with my child.

I would love to hear from other women in blended families about how they navigated this topic especially with older or young adult children. I never thought I'd be in this situation until my life took some unexpected turns when I lost my spouse.

His daughter will make your life miserable. If you go forward with this then get premarital and in depth counseling for all of you involved. Your son may resent your boyfriend.

My son does not resent my boyfriend; in fact, he really enjoys spending time with him as well as his two kids. His daughter has not made my life miserable at all; she is very friendly towards me, but I can just tell intuitively that it is hard for her to see Dad with a woman that is not her mother.

I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I are thinking about getting married within the next couple of years. I am a single parent and my son is a freshman in college. His father is deceased. My boyfriend is divorced (8 years) and he has two children (both in college). I have met his ex-wife and we have a few friendly exchanges. They had a difficult divorce, but with my help and encouragement, he has been able to move forward and be on at least cordial terms with his ex-wife. The kids often stay with us and everyone generally gets along well and I also encourage him to spend alone time with them. He is very close with his daughter and sometimes, I feel that it is difficult for her to see her father happy with another women again and moving forward with life. He thinks that I'm imagining it, but I have a lot of intuition and I want to make sure that she knows that I'm not here to compete for her father's attention and that she will always remain a priority in his life and that I am also here to support her. My boyfriend has been wonderful with my child.

I would love to hear from other women in blended families about how they navigated this topic especially with older or young adult children. I never thought I'd be in this situation until my life took some unexpected turns when I lost my spouse.

His daughter will make your life miserable. If you go forward with this then get premarital and in depth counseling for all of you involved. Your son may resent your boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I are thinking about getting married within the next couple of years. I am a single parent and my son is a freshman in college. His father is deceased. My boyfriend is divorced (8 years) and he has two children (both in college). I have met his ex-wife and we have a few friendly exchanges. They had a difficult divorce, but with my help and encouragement, he has been able to move forward and be on at least cordial terms with his ex-wife. The kids often stay with us and everyone generally gets along well and I also encourage him to spend alone time with them. He is very close with his daughter and sometimes, I feel that it is difficult for her to see her father happy with another women again and moving forward with life. He thinks that I'm imagining it, but I have a lot of intuition and I want to make sure that she knows that I'm not here to compete for her father's attention and that she will always remain a priority in his life and that I am also here to support her. My boyfriend has been wonderful with my child.

I would love to hear from other women in blended families about how they navigated this topic especially with older or young adult children. I never thought I'd be in this situation until my life took some unexpected turns when I lost my spouse.