I have a boy and a girl.

Boys can be mean, but I would say most of them are still silly and can play together over a game or a structured activity. They could yell at each other, call each other stupid, cry and angry, but some of them could get back to play together. These are ES ages, and boys normally are not resentful. It is more challenging for quiet/introvert boys to mingle with rough boys.

For girls, it is challenging to introduce & get them together to play. We have met many girls happen to be not nice and they like to compare & compete over nothing. They are more opinionated & judgemental to decide who to hang out with. My sweet girl had a rough time in ES to play with most girls. She only plays with a few nice girls and many boys. She can play really well with stranger boys (younger or older, rough or calm), but she has challenges to play with girls of her ages or older(unless some older girls takes her as little sister).

Anonymous wrote:I have three teens (2 boys, 1 girl) and through the years I have found it to be the BOYS who are meaner. Which is not what I expected, at all.

Boys are mean differently. They say mean things to each other but it's meant to be a roast. I find it off putting, but DH said that's how boys communicate. DH is from the UK, so it's not like this is just an American boy thing.

Girls, oth.. omg.. the drama. DD has had friend drama in ES, MS, and now HS senior year. Hurt feelings, she said/she said, miscommunication, jealousy, social bullying (telling other girls to not play/hang out with her) ... I can't take it. DD has anxiety and panic attacks from all the drama. She is very sensitive, and perhaps a bit needy, so she doesn't take this type of drama well. It makes me stressed out watching her go through this.

Anonymous wrote:This is sad to read, but not my experience. I have a daughter and just yesterday I was telling my husband how you can really tell that kids are being raised with an emphasis on kindness now as compared to when I was growing up. We had our first soccer practice yesterday and they were all hugging each other after scores; there was another girl from her GS troop on the team and they greeted each other like a long-lost friends even though they'd only met once. I asked her if she really liked Larla, did they talk at the troop meeting? And she said "Mom, if you're in Girl Scouts together you *all* can be best friends."

I'm sure we'll run into relational aggression issues as they get older, but I'm glad it hasn't been an issue for my daughter yet.

It does sound like your daughter is very young. It's true that in preschool and kindergarten, the adults around kids tend to emphasize kindness a lot. I have found there is less of this as you progress through elementary school, and especially that other parents doing reinforce concepts of kindness at home. By 2nd or 3rd grade, the girls in my child's classes had become quite clique-ish and exclusionary, and I'd started to see quite a bit of unkind behavior. And this is at a school we chose for the nurturing and pleasant environment. I've also seen that other parents become more competitive about their kids around this age, especially around sports, and there is often effort to create separation. You'd think parents would be encourage to see their kids bond over shared interests at this age, for instance. But I've seen parents seek to emphasize that their child is on an advanced track in those interests, so not really like the other kids.

I do remember the "we can all be best friends!" phase but it just doesn't last.

Anonymous wrote:The boys turn mean at 11. Idk why, but they’re just behind the girls.

I'm noticing this with my second son who is 11, but never happened with my first son who is 14. Honestly, I wish he would be a bit meaner.

I have three teens (2 boys, 1 girl) and through the years I have found it to be the BOYS who are meaner. Which is not what I expected, at all.

I think both boys and girls can be highly competitive but that often girls compete over subjective things (who is better friends with whom, who is prettiest, who is the best at a somewhat complex and somewhat subjective skill like gymnastics or dance). Boys often compete over very black and white things like who is the fastest runner or biker, who is tallest, who has the best video games or gets the most time to play them.

I think the subjectivity of female competition often results in a lot of passive aggressive jockeying for position, and often shockingly mature "negging" or "mean girl" behavior even at a young age. I have seen 5 year olds debate "who Layla likes the most," already competing over access to the popular girl. I've seen 7 year olds discuss who has "the best body" (yes, really, it's deeply depressing). I've also seen girls compete over who is most fashionable (a totally subjective measure whose metrics can easily be manipulated or changed depending on your social power in the group). Another one: who has the best handwriting.

It think all of this just makes it harder to navigate social hierarchies for girls. In the end, the girls who tend to dominate social groups in elementary school seem to be (1) the ones from the wealthiest families, (2) the ones with older sisters, I think because it gives them access to certain cultural currency, and (3) the ones who are cutest and thus tend to be treated better by and get more attention from adults.

Anonymous wrote:Girls are biologically wired to be mean. Boys are wired to end up hunting/killing.

These stupid generalizations that proliferate online are partially responsible for some adolescents feeling confused about their own gender. Like, “if I don’t the way I’m supposed to be ‘biologically wired’ to feel, then who am I?”

No the opposite. I have boys and girls. The boys are just mean. I saw a boy break a little girl's finger (just came up and twisted it) with no remorse. The girls seem really kind and calm. All my daughters do is whine about boys in their classes. They get off topic during class and the teacher is just redirecting nonstop, they talk over girls and they're too rough on the playground.

Girls are biologically wired to be mean. Boys are wired to end up hunting/killing.

I've seen boys do the "roasting" thing at this age. Where they try out mean comments with their good friends but it's not serious.

Nope. Plenty of not mean girls. My 9 year old DD has about 4-5 friends who are fun, kind and stand up to bullies. DD has encountered 2 actual mean girls at school in her grade and is staying away from them. She is pretty sensitive to these things.
I have heard reports about my kid and a few of the friends from parents of kids I know who were bullied but feel comfortable with my kid and choose to sit with them at lunch and play during recess. We will see how it goes in older grades.

Anonymous wrote:This is sad to read, but not my experience. I have a daughter and just yesterday I was telling my husband how you can really tell that kids are being raised with an emphasis on kindness now as compared to when I was growing up. We had our first soccer practice yesterday and they were all hugging each other after scores; there was another girl from her GS troop on the team and they greeted each other like a long-lost friends even though they'd only met once. I asked her if she really liked Larla, did they talk at the troop meeting? And she said "Mom, if you're in Girl Scouts together you *all* can be best friends."

I'm sure we'll run into relational aggression issues as they get older, but I'm glad it hasn't been an issue for my daughter yet.

OP here. I felt somewhat similarly when my daughter was younger. The girls are now 9 and seems like very few nice girls. I feel like as soon as we meet someone or have a few play dates, the girl shows her true colors. Like the other girl may be a sore loser and have a massive tantrum over a board game or start hitting my child over a toy. The mean words are what is most shocking.

This is sad to read, but not my experience. I have a daughter and just yesterday I was telling my husband how you can really tell that kids are being raised with an emphasis on kindness now as compared to when I was growing up. We had our first soccer practice yesterday and they were all hugging each other after scores; there was another girl from her GS troop on the team and they greeted each other like a long-lost friends even though they'd only met once. I asked her if she really liked Larla, did they talk at the troop meeting? And she said "Mom, if you're in Girl Scouts together you *all* can be best friends."

I'm sure we'll run into relational aggression issues as they get older, but I'm glad it hasn't been an issue for my daughter yet.

The boys turn mean at 11. Idk why, but they’re just behind the girls.

I have two boys and a daughter. With my boys, we have mostly encountered stable families and boys play sports, do well in school, play video games and very little drama. They did scouts and all the boys were pretty nice.

My daughter has similar activities now and the girls all seem so mean! They are competitive, jealous, emotional and high drama. It is tiring. There are so few nice normal girls. My child seems like a fish out of water. Any activity or sport she tried, it starts out fine and it feels like anytime we get to know the other kids and familie, we find out the girls are not nice at all. I have felt this in Girl Scouts and dance especially.