I gently remind my ILs that things are different today, that kids weren't in car seats when their kids were little, and seat belts weren't mandatory until the 70s, but as time goes on, things continue to get better/safer

Are there other cultural things you can do that are not harmful and will make them feel more valued? Or maybe spackate them — like I am worried baby will choke on the red string or get it wrapped about his little fingers and cut off circulation, but could you rock him and sing him that song for babies? I think that would help more than the string.

I have a clear memory from my childhood or being burned and my GM wanted to put butter on it. My mom was a nurse and knew that was dangerous. They compromised on tea bags so I laid on the coach with cool wet tea bags on my face for an hour.

You politely ignore all the crap, OP.

I have had different but in a way similar stuff from my anti-medical establishment, anti-vaxxer relatives. We are a doctor and scientist couple, and my aunts would bombard me with naturalist treatments, pseudo-science against vaccines, exhortations to avoid medications, etc.

We said thank you, repeated that modern medicine saves lives and kept exchanges courteous. There was no point in trying to dissuade them from their beliefs - they didn't have the cognitive reasoning and educational background to change them.

The phrase "You got to raise your children the way you wanted to, and we get to raise our children the way we want. Sometimes seeing something done differently is scary but I assure you we are following the baby's pediatrician's advice and have made sound decisions."

I don't care what cousins are told, or think or say about my parenting.

I did/do the things that I don't care about, if those things are easy. For example, one of my kids had hiccups often. So I would not have done the red string, if that had been asked of us.

I did do special outfits for my in-laws. So I would do the bracelet for visits, and just shrug it off if your in-laws notice the kid hasn't been wearing the bracelet in pictures.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just didn't do it. What could she do? I would just tell her that there are different ways of doing things.

Was she ever deeply or personally hurt by this?

My mother in law has her face visibly drop with sadness in each of the above instances

From her perspective we are rejective the only thing she has ever known

Perhaps. You can do things your way and decline well-intended advice without being rude or unkind about it. That's the best you can do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just didn't do it. What could she do? I would just tell her that there are different ways of doing things.

Was she ever deeply or personally hurt by this?

My mother in law has her face visibly drop with sadness in each of the above instances

From her perspective we are rejective the only thing she has ever known

Yes, she was hurt, but I'm not going to raise my child the way she wants just to make her feel better.

This is about cultural beliefs, and the fact that you are not following her cultural beliefs. I went through the same thing as a child of immigrants. I had to follow their culture even though we lived in the US, and this was at a time when there weren't many immigrants from my parents country at the time (late 60s/early 70s). That was really hard for me because I had to straddle two worlds, and I never fit into either.

I understand why our parents are hurt by it, but it's also not fair for them to expect us to follow all of their beliefs while living in a different country in the 21st century.

This is not to say that I don't follow ANY of the beliefs from that home country. Some of it has been found to be accepted by modern medicine, like acupuncture or cupping. But, things like tying a red string around the ankle when the baby has hiccups? Nah. I wouldn't follow that because it's like voodoo magic or something.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was born in a very, very different time and place from me (not rural mountains but different and dramatic in every way). If I had to do it over again I would listen to every little piece of advice she had! Because now she is infirm and I realize that she is one of the few people outside of me and kid’s dad who truly loves my kid unconditionally. And with the benefit of time, I now see the richness of the roots in the home country that adds meaning to my kid’s life. It’s hard to see that in the thick of parenting a newborn.

Fortunately - and this is a huge one - my doctor SIL had a baby 2 years prior to me and by the time mine came SIL had already drilled the necessary safety issues into MIL’s head as required if she wanted to be able to spend time alone with baby - safe sleep, car seats, choking hazards, etc.

So I guess my advice is - let them in! Set some clear boundaries on safety but otherwise embrace it.

IDK. To me, following a belief that's not based on science or medical research but just purely based on cultural beliefs as it relates to things like a baby having hiccups is not something I want to perpetuate.

There are some parts of that culture that I admire, but voodoo type beliefs is not one of them. I'm not going to follow beliefs that I think are ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:I just didn't do it. What could she do? I would just tell her that there are different ways of doing things.

Was she ever deeply or personally hurt by this?

My mother in law has her face visibly drop with sadness in each of the above instances

From her perspective we are rejective the only thing she has ever known

My MIL was born in a very, very different time and place from me (not rural mountains but different and dramatic in every way). If I had to do it over again I would listen to every little piece of advice she had! Because now she is infirm and I realize that she is one of the few people outside of me and kid’s dad who truly loves my kid unconditionally. And with the benefit of time, I now see the richness of the roots in the home country that adds meaning to my kid’s life. It’s hard to see that in the thick of parenting a newborn.

Fortunately - and this is a huge one - my doctor SIL had a baby 2 years prior to me and by the time mine came SIL had already drilled the necessary safety issues into MIL’s head as required if she wanted to be able to spend time alone with baby - safe sleep, car seats, choking hazards, etc.

So I guess my advice is - let them in! Set some clear boundaries on safety but otherwise embrace it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was my in-laws. I would just smile, nod, and then ignore the advice.

What about any follow up questions? They live nearby so we all see each other frequently

How would you handle them asking a week or two later if you’re doing X thing?

"Oh, I've have my own way of doing things. Thanks for the advice . . . I'll think about it."

I just didn't do it. What could she do? I would just tell her that there are different ways of doing things.

I guess it helped that DH is from another country where they did things differently from my mom's country. So, I would tell her that DH's mom didn't do it that way, and he's healthy as a horse. Of course, my mother would say, "But larlo has our blood, and we are different." My kids are 17 and 20. They aren't that different, other than being smaller framed compared to Europeans, but not short (I'm Asian).

Like, my mother was aghast that I took my newborn outside in a stroller, covered with a blanket, when it was sunny but a bit windy, just to get some air - for myself and my baby. In my mom's culture, you do not take a newborn outside for like 100 days. There was no way I was not going to go outside with my baby for 3 months. Or another thing was I should not touch cold water after giving birth, or shower. Um. yea, that also wasn't going to happen. These beliefs stemmed from the harsh living conditions that mothers from my mom's home country went through. While I understood why they followed these beliefs, obviously, a lot of it was due to the lack of modern medicine that we are privileged to have here.

The other gem was sleeping with the fan on -- fan death is what it's called. I was a bad mom for letting my kids sleep with the fan on because they might die. OH boy.

I did pick and choose the things from both cultures, and the American culture, that I thought made sense, and of course, I researched topics on my own.

Needless to say, my mother and I don't see eye to eye on many things.

Anonymous wrote:This was my in-laws. I would just smile, nod, and then ignore the advice.

What about any follow up questions? They live nearby so we all see each other frequently

How would you handle them asking a week or two later if you’re doing X thing?

This was my in-laws. I would just smile, nod, and then ignore the advice.

For people from immigrant families or families with entrenched folk beliefs:

How did you handle the sincere insistence from grandparents that you must do X for the baby’s sake?

I’m talking parents-grew-up-in-rural-mountains kind of entrenched beliefs, where they sincerely think not doing certain things is harmful for babies

Our baby’s grandma is insisting we do a red string on his forehead to cure hiccups, and when I said “well the hiccups are because he ate too much and his tummy is pressing against his diaphragm” she later told our cousin, in a bummed out but also exasperated tone “these kids don’t believe in these things any more”

We have also been gifted a red and gold bracelet to tie around our baby’s ankle or wrist to protect against evil eye. Grandma asked us “so are you going to put it on?” And I said “we’ll see”

(Wife and I had already said before the pregnancy we wouldn’t do that)

The thing is, it’s not just that we “don’t believe in these things” but from their perspective, when you grow up in rural mountains with a subsistence farmer family while your own children grow up in a major metro in the U.S. the culture is entirely different.

Yes we don’t believe in the red string for hiccups, but also this was the first time in our lives we had ever heard such a thing

To them they assume we know these things because to them it was their entire world, it’s the only thing they were exposed to

We don’t want to be rude, but we’re also not going to do these folk beliefs. (There’s also the issue of them seeing us do something they’re not familiar with, feeling weird about, then rationalizing a reason to object to it)

How have other people handled this? I would really appreciate any experience or advice from people who know how entrenched these beliefs are and that they are shared from a place of sincerity to help the baby